Hellsing's Diaster Vacation
by Azure Zangetsu
Summary: The Major has the greatest idea in the world! Invite Hellsing to a vacation with Millennium in California! Things may not go as planned by our favorite Nazi Major as the story unfolds.
1. Invitation

Schrodinger walked the halls of Millennium's South American Headquarters with a frustrated and bored look on his face. He hated this place when there was nothing to do, and his xbox wasn't helping him get over his boredom at all. In fact, he was bored because of the damned thing! He was stuck on a part in Halo where he had to drive a stupid warthog through a stupid ship to get to a stupid longsword fighter and escape a stupid ring to save the stupid universe. And it was the last level too, which he had tried and failed to beat nine times already!

Frustrated and bored, Schrodinger had taken to wandering the stronghold in search of the one person that had any chance of beating the level for him: Captain Hans. But at the moment, Hans was not in his room, nor was he in the bathroom, the mess hall, the target range, the planning room, the main hall, or any of the other usual places he would usually be.

So he went to the one place where he _wouldn't_ expect the lycanthrope to be: outside. Schrodinger knew that the Captain absolutely hated being out in the hot weather with the sun beating down upon him. Wolves were mostly night-drawn animals and winter was the Captain's favorite season, even though he never showed it. Schrodinger thought of a place where Hans wouldn't be and instantly teleported himself there.

He looked around, now on top of the hill not far outside of the HQ, no trees or cover from the sun. It must've been a hundred and twenty degrees up here! The teen immediately teleported himself to a better place, a waterfall not far from the base, where there was a cold pool of water at the bottom. The cat boy grinned widely and stripped down to his boxers. He jumped into the air.

"Yahoo!" he yelled as he hit the water doing a cannonball. He swam out to the middle of the water and flipped over to his back. A cold shiver ran up his spine as the water chilled him to the bone. But it was an enjoyable cold, seeing as everything else out here was baking like it was in an oven. He breathed a sigh of relief and looked up at the waterfall, where upon the rocks that the water poured down upon, he spied a familiar figure being berated by thousands of gallons of water.

Schrodinger flipped back over and swam over to his comrade and clambered up the mossy, wet surface of the rock the lycanthrope was sitting upon, a dour look upon the Captain's face. Schrodinger finally gave up and teleported to the Captain's side, immediately being forced down to the rock's surface. He struggled, and was only able to pull himself to his knees. He stared up at Hans, expecting at least a glance, but he received nothing.

"Kapitan…some help here…" Schrodinger gasped. Hans pulled the boy forward and into his lap. Schrodinger mimicked Hans and sat Indian-style with his legs crossed, turning around to see why the werewolf was sitting outside of all places. When he looked up at the lycanthrope…there was something wrong with him.

Hans' face was beet-red and his he was panting heavily. Even more unnerving, the Captain's tongue was lolling out. Schrodinger reached up and pressed a finger to the lycanthrope's forehead, immediately drawing back as quickly as he could. Hans' body was burning up! Schrodinger immediately hugged Hans to his chest and teleported them into the Major's personal office.

Schrodinger watched with near-horror as Hans slumped to the floor, panting worse than before. Schrodinger turned to the Major.

"Ve have a problem Herr Major! Ze Kapitan…vell, look!" the cat boy shouted to his superior. The Major shrugged and walked over to Hans tilting the lycanthrope's chin up so that he could look Hans in the eyes.

"Hmmm…zis is unexpected. Take him to ze medical bay und Dok vill take care of him," the Major replied as he returned to his desk and continued planning battles and explosives and war in general. Schrodinger teleported them to tthe Med. Bay where Dok took quick and eager custody of Hans' sickly body. The werewolf looked back at Schrodinger and nodded in thanks before he blacked out. The cat boy was ushered out of the room by Dok and whimpered softly.

He hoped the Captain was alright. He still needed to man to beat that level!

* * *

Hans groggily awoke and sat up, head throbbing with pain and agony. He felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to his temples and then fired a round from the _Schwerer Gustav_ right next to his ear. He put a hand to his face and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes with a heavy yawn. He paused. Something about his yawn hadn't sounded normal at all. He blinked a few times in confusion and then waved off the feeling of sudden apprehensiveness.

He stretched his body, but something else seemed wrong with him right now as well. His chest felt heavy and his arms felt lighter for some reason. He looked down to examine himself. And much to his surprise…he had breasts! Hans looked around immediately for a mirror and found one on the table next to her. He put it in front of his face and howled with agony.

He looked like a girl! Hans examined himself more closely, just to make sure his eyes weren't fooling her. He had, feminine, eyes, a smaller chin, a more oval-shaped head, bigger and fuller lips, a button nose…and he had dog ears too. Hans slumped forward and whimpered like a beaten dog and looked at his chest. He was a girl!

Immediately, Hans reached down to try and dispel her thoughts of doubt, and found that she was horribly correct in her assumption of being of the female gender. She had no manhood! Hans howled this time, pained and broken. She almost cried. She wasn't a man anymore! The lycanthrope looked around and found a bloody shirt on the floor. She quickly threw it on and buttoned up the buttons, however uncomfortably, up as far as she could on her chest, which was about to burst out of the tight shirt.

She growled softly, but simply threw the sheets off of her body and hopped out of bed. Due to the werewolf's more…womanly, figure, Hans' combat pants and boxers fell to the floor. She immediately pulled them up and flushed bright red. She really was a girl! She had seen…_it_! Hans held up her pants and boxers, accidentally stepping out of her boots as well. She looked down at her feet, which were slender, like a girl's. She growled again, but still said nothing. She opened the door to the Med. Bay and Schrodinger stared up at her with a goofy grin on his face.

"Kapi…eh?! Wer bist du?" the cat boy asked suddenly. Hans glared down, but then sighed inaudibly as she realized that Schrodinger wouldn't recognize him like this. She stood up straight and looked back down at Schrodinger.

"Vaffen SS Hauptsturmfürer, Hans Gunsche." Schrodinger looked up at the lycanthrope blankly.

"No you're not. Der Kapitan ist a guy." Hans grabbed Schrodinger and lifted the cat boy up by his head and growled menacingly, flashing her canine fangs. Schrodinger let out a laugh and Hans let the boy down, pushing past him and walking towards the Major's office where she knew she'd find the short officer. The Major had _a lot_ of explaining to do for this one! Schrodinger stood in front of Hans with a microphone in his hands.

"Attention everyone, ve have an intruder," the cat boy announced. Hans kicked Schrodinger between the legs and the boy dropped like a lead weight, a shrill cry coming forth from his mouth. Hans stepped past the slumped boy and made her way down the hall. Farther through the Millennium HQ, Hans found herself walking up upon Zorin Blitz, a cigarette being lit up in her mouth. Hans made no move to speak nor interact with the butch she-vamp.

But much to Hans' aggravation, Zorin's arm shot out in front of the werewolf and the she-vamp blew smoke in Hans' face.

"Who do you think you are, eh? Valking around zis base like you're von of us. I'm surprised ze Major's guard dog hasn't taken care of you yet," Zorin said smugly, shifting her scythe on her shoulder. Hans growled deeply and backhanded Zorin against the wall, walking cleanly past the she-vamp as she slumped to the floor with a broken jaw. Insult avenged. And Hans was getting tired of this constant misunderstanding of his identity.

Eventually, and without any more interruptions or mistakes, Hans opened up the Major's office door and entered, finding Dok and the Major leaned over the desk. Hans lunged across the room and grabbed Dok by the neck, slamming him against the wall. She growled menacingly and her fangs elongated. Dok smirked.

"Vat did you do to me?!" Hans roared. Dok chuckled to himself.

"Vat unexpected results. I didn't think zat you would turn into a girl. My firebrand experiment yesterday didn't vork on a lycanthrope, hmmm…" Hans thought better of punching him. That would require her to let go of her own clothes and have them drop to the floor. That wasn't happening again. She threw Dok across the room and turned to the Major, this time in a more apologetic manner. The Major simply grinned.

"Vell, since zis has happened, like Dok said it might, I have gotten you a new uniform. And secondly…Schrodinger!" the Major called. The cat boy teleported into the room with a folded uniform in her hands.

"Ja?" he asked. One look at Hans made him drop everything and back up against the wall. "Ze crotch-kicker! She lives!" he cried in terror. Hans looked at the Major with a dissatisfied look on her face. The Major shrugged.

"Schrodinger, zis ist ze Kapitan. Please take him…her? To ze Hellsing Manor vit zis message," he ordered, handing Hans a sealed letter. The werewolf made sure neither the Major no Schrodinger were looking before she put on her new uniform. But the panties…she left them with her old clothes. There was no way in Hell that she was going to wear panties. After she'd buttoned up her greatcoat, which was a little tight around her chest, Hans grabbed the letter and Schrodinger grabbed her hand. They were instantly teleported into Integra's office.

Upon arrival into the Hellsing Manor, Hans was greeted by having her comrade's brains splattered all over the wall behind them and Integra yelling for Alucard. Hans stood silently as Alucard shifted through the floor right in front of Integra, a manic grin on his face as she held out his Jackal pistol. Hans adjusted her hat and held out the letter intended for Integra. The vampire looked at the letter accusatively and aimed his pistol at it.

Hans immediately roundhouse kicked Alucard's arm off and slid the Jackal away with her foot. The original vampire grinned maliciously and turned to his master.

"Master, I do believe that this is the werewolf I fought in Warsaw. You may very well know the other one," he said as Schrodinger seemingly rose from the dead with his arms forward and hands limply held out. Integra's eye twitched, but she ignored Schrodinger and turned to Hans, examining her feminine form closely. She curled a finger and Alucard leaned in to listen. Integra yanked his ear and roared.

"THIS IS A GIRL YOU IDIOT! THE WEREWOLF YOU FOUGHT WAS A GUY!" Alucard grinned widely and stood back up, facing Hans with a toothy grin as his arm regenerated. The vampire's eyes flashed an even deeper red.

"Oh, this is him alright. I'd remember a werewolf's scent anywhere, and this one reeks of my blood," Alucard replied smugly. Hans spun on her heel and kicked forward just as a draculina with a huge sniper rifle burst through the door, kick in progress. Hans' kick negated Seras' kick and send the latter to the floor. Hans instinctively reached for her Mauser C96, but her belt held no weapon for her to draw. She growled as Seras stood, clearly confused.

"Wait…you're a girl?!" she cried. Hans kicked her in the jaw and she stumbled back. Well…being a girl had a few perks. she could kick a lot higher without trying. Seras aimed her rifle and Hans lunged forward, only to be caught by Alucard's black tendrils of shadow.

"We wouldn't want you to lose the top half of your uniform, now would we? It would be very embarrassing to have a half-naked _she-wolf_ in my Master's office," Alucard said with a snide grin. Hans relaxed a bit and walked back to Integra, handing her the letter. she stood quietly by as Seras walked over to her master and whispered furiously about Hans'…condition. Integra finished the letter and let her head fall to her desk.

"That bastard. Crap…now we gotta go all the way to California and take a vacation with a bunch of Nazis. Alucard, go get us some beach-wear," Integra said, clenching her teeth for the last part. Hans arched an eyebrow and Alucard disappeared through the wall. Seras looked confused.

"Why don't we just not go?" she asked. Integra looked over at Hans and shook her head.

"You think we can take him…her, whatever, on and win? Not only that, but that cat boy can just go back home, bring a nuke, and blow us all to bloody hell. I'm sure that this werewolf here can fight…are you a girl or aren't you?!" she asked. Hans nodded shamefully. Integra settled back into her chair quietly.

"Um…Master, what do we do with them while we're waiting?" Seras asked. Integra lit up another cigar.

"Get her a decent bikini or something. That pervert Major wants to see what he and his mad scientist's creation looks like," she said. Hans flushed bright red and Seras tried to hold back a giggle. Hans growled deeply, but it turned out to be more of a feminine thing than she had planned, so she cut her warning short and followed the young draculina to her room.

After locking the door, which was completely useless due to Alucard's power to warp through walls, Seras asked Hans to unbutton her greatcoat and Hans did so quickly. Seras grinned sheepishly.

"Vas is it?" Hans asked. Seras stuttered.

"I-I didn't e-expect you to be so…well-endowed. Your cup size is bigger than mine." She flushed red. Hans was a bit lost here.

"Cup size?"

"Y…you have bigger boobs than I do. I might not have anything to fit you," she said as her face turned redder. Hans rolled her eyes and Seras rummaged through a wardrobe closet to find something to fit Hans. After a few moments, Alucard warped through the ceiling, head first, and grinned widely.

"And her you g-" Hans kicked Alucard's head into his chest and the vampire disappeared, leaving a neon green bikini on Seras' bed. Hans groaned. she was going to wear this?! It barely covered anything…and Hans was admittedly embarrassed about the size of her chest compared to the amount of fabric on the swimwear. Hans shivered at the thought of going outside with this thing on. Seras turned around and looked confused.

"How do you already have a…was it master?" Hans pointed to the ceiling and Seras nodded.

"Well, in any case, you and I both need a shower. And since we're both girls now…I guess it wouldn't be bad to take a shower together. Hans froze. His body may be that of a woman, but his mind was completely male. Seras looked at Hans and grinned.

"Calling me Hans ist a bit…veird?" Hans was at a loss for words.

"Well, we can just call you Hansa, because that's the feminine form of your name, right? Now let's shower Hansa," Seras said, walking over to the bathroom door. "Hansa" followed Seras and shot an apprehensive look over her shoulder. If Alucard, or Schrodinger for that matter, peeked, she'd kill both of them for good.

Meanwhile, Alucard turned on a T.V. with Schrodinger at his side. On the T.V. there was an empty shower. Alucard grinned widely.

"Vas ist das?" the Nazi boy asked. Alucard chuckled darkly.

"This, my good man, is going to be your first lesson on the female anatomy. Press the record button down there and sit back. This may take a while." Schrodinger did as told and the bathroom dor opened. Alucard's grin widened and Schrodinger's cheeks turned red. The vampire put his feet up on the table the T.V. was on and tilted his fedora up.

"Ah! Zat ist ze Kapitan! Und Seras too?!" Schrodigner cried. Alucard nodded.

"And now your lesson begins," the vampire said. Neither pair of eyes left the T.V. screen for the next half-hour.

* * *

_A/N:Okay, writing Hans off as a girl was a little weird for me, but hey, I thought I'd give it a shot. Next chapter soon. Please Review._


	2. The Major, the Heir, and the Archbishop

_A/N: Wow, I got three reviews in the span of nine or so hours. I really didn't expect this to take off so well…wow! Thank you for reviewing. I'll try to keep the quality good for as long as I can, but that's up to you to decide. I hope you enjoy this chapter. It still feels weird writing 'her' for 'him' though.

* * *

_

Hansa stepped out of the shower and flushed bright red as she looked at herself in the mirror. Seras stepped out next to her with a heavy yawn and a shiver. The lycanthrope stared at the both of them in the mirror, tracing every dip and curve of her own form in particular. She wanted to cry right now. Only an hour or so before, she'd been of the _male_ gender.

Seras walked over to a closet and opened it up to retrieve two towels. Hansa looked around the room. It was a bit cramped in here, nothing like her bathroom back in the Millennium HQ. Back home, she had a bathroom twice this big and with more furnishings. She felt a little guilty comparing the two places. But Seras threw a towel at the werewolf, running into her train of thought. Hansa shook the memories of home from her head and mimicked Seras in wrapping a towel around her chest. The draculina giggled.

"Aw, you act just like someone who's not used to having such big boobs," she joked. Hansa cast her gaze downward.

"I…I'm not used to zem. I've only been like zis for a little over an hour," Hansa admitted uneasily, still trying to get the towel around her chest right. Seras' eyes softened and she whimpered.

"You poor thing. You're a boy trapped in a woman's body, aren't you? Not even my master would be so cruel," Seras said sympathetically. What, did she think that this was some sort of punishment? Hans didn't even want to think about that. If this was an accident, then the Major would absolutely _torture_ anyone as punishment.

Seras helped the 'new' woman with her towel and cocked her eyebrow for a moment. Hansa looked up to where Seras was looking, but couldn't see anything. Seras turned her around and pointed to the mirror.

"Vhat?" Hansa asked. Seras grabbed one of the lycanthrope's dog ears.

"What exactly are these?" the draculina asked. Hansa turned her gaze down.

"Ze…zey are vhat I got vhen I voke up as a girl. I don't know how zey got zer." Seras shrugged and opened the door back to her room. Hansa followed her out and began to dress back in her uniform. Seras again, looked a bit confused.

"Ja?" Hansa asked, almost annoyed at these looks that Seras was giving her.

"Why are you wearing boxers instead of panties?"

"Because! Because I don't like panties! Zey are for girls!" Hansa replied, a red tint to her cheeks. She hadn't meant to say it that loud, or so fiercely for that matter. Seras shrugged and remained silent as they both dressed out in full uniform and left the room for Integra's office. Upon arriving in the Hellsing's office, Hansa and Seras found a very pleased-looking Alucard and Schrodinger standing before them with four bags in their hands.

Integra sat at her desk to get some last-minute paperwork done. After a minute, she called Walter in, but the older butler kindly declined the offer to go with them, saying that Alucard had apparently left him something that he would enjoy in the VCR. Schrodinger grinned widely and Alucard simply tipped the brow of his oversized fedora down over his eyes. Integra stood up and everyone grabbed Schrodinger. He closed his eyes and they were instantly teleported away.

Hansa opened her eyes and let go of Schrodinger, seeing as his arm was reaching out to her chest. She dropped him with a kick between the legs. How dare that little bastard! Hansa was still his superior! Schrodinger teleported away with a slight murmur. Hansa breathed a sigh of relief and looked around. This was California, beach to the left, metropolitan city to the right. Hansa grabbed the bag with her name on it and slung it over her shoulder. A few moments later, the Millennium group arrived at the beach.

This group was smaller than Hansa had expected it to be. There were only Zorin, Rip, Dok, the Major, Jan, and Luke. None of the vampire soldiers had come along. Not that Hansa minded anyway. She didn't want anyone to see her like this, and she would have already flipped her collar up higher if it could be done. Jan took one look at the lycanthrope and cracked an evil grin.

"So, how'd you like to sneak away toni-" Hansa cut him off mid-sentence and dropkicked the perverted vampire copy in the head, sending him to the ground. Jan frowned and stood back up, his forehead with a big black bootprint on it. Hansa smirked and Luke simply averted his eyes. Rip looked at the werewolf with a strange sort of gaze.

"Kapitan…you changed into a girl?" she asked dumbly. Hansa gave the she-vamp a slight nod to satisfy her curiosity. Zorin had nothing to say, still made about the defeat she'd been handed not two hours ago. Hansa turned around and it took the Major all of three seconds to receive a hard _slap_ from Integra. The man simply sighed with contentment.

"Ah, frauline, please follow me. I have rented out the entire third floor for our use. Would you kindly accept this gift as an olive branch for the time being. We can go back to killing each other after this vacation is over." He leaned in closer. "And between you and me, I think the Captain needs a short break, considering now he's a girl until we can fix this," he finished. Integra growled, but after looking at Seras' hopeful face and Alucard's uncharacteristic, genuine grin…she cracked. Integra shook the Major's hand and Seras leapt onto Hansa, wrapping her arms around the confused lycanthrope.

"Share a room with me, oh please Hansa!" she cried. Alucard furrowed his brow and everyone stared at the ditzy draculina. Hansa was confused.

"Vhy exactly do you vant to share a room?" she asked after a silent moment. Seras grinned like Schrodinger would have.

"Because now I have someone to do girl stuff with!" she exclaimed. Alucard butted in.

"What about Zorin and Rip? Couldn't you do girl stuff with them too? Or how about Master? She's a girl too," he said with a leer. All three of the aforementioned women turned annoyed gazes to the draculina. Hansa backed away silently, expecting something to crush the girl in a few seconds. Seras shrugged.

"Zorin is scary, I thought Rip was a guy when I first saw her, and Master…I don't think she would like that kind of stuff. I don't want to share a room with them. I wanna share one with Hansa." Both Zorin and Rip drew their weapons, but the Major snapped at them and they just as quickly made the instruments of destruction disappear. Seras hid behind her new friend and shivered quietly under the glare of her master's master. Alucard chuckled.

After a few minutes of arguing between the two leaders, the rest of the vacationers entered the beachside resort. Inside, the nine subordinates were greeted by a very interesting surprise. At the front desk, yelling his lungs out, was Enrico Maxwell with Yumiko, Heinkel, and Father Anderson. Hansa thought it a little bit _too_ funny that the holy official was having trouble with the boy at the front desk.

"I reserved rooms three-o-three to three-o-seven weeks ago! What do you mean they're reserved already?!"

"Look here, I don't care if you're the bishop of Rome-"

"THAT'S ARCHBISHOP YOU MORON!!!" the enraged Enrico roared at the top of his lungs. Father Anderson put a hand on the archbishop's shoulder and then immediately whipped his entire body around, three bayonets in each hand. He grinned evilly and Heinkel drew her pistols. Yumiko stood by with a blank look on her face, katana still on her back. She was completely clueless. Anderson cocked his head to the side when he looked at Hansa.

"Wait…you're the werewolf? I thought that he was a man?" Hansa growled, but stayed silent, instead, looking over to Alucard for a quick retort, which she knew the vampire was going to have.

"Oh, I suppose you forget how easily it is for one to fool the great Father Alexander Anderson," the original vampire replied as he changed into a young Girly-Card. He quickly changed back after making his point. Anderson began reciting holy scriptures, but Enrico butted in.

"Who do you think you're fighting?! Get over here and help me!" the archbishop ordered vehemently. Before anyone else had time to speak, the Major strolled into the lobby with Integra in tow, grumbling to herself about life being unfair and her father not having to deal with perverted Nazis. The Major actually smiled for once and walked up next to Enrico and the infuriated archbishop glared down at the happy major.

"Vould you like to spend ze next few days in ze rooms you vanted?"

"What's it to you?" Enrico asked angrily. The Major shrugged and turned to the man at the front desk.

"Please add Archbishop Enrico Maxwell, Father Alexander Anderson, Heinkel Wolfe, and Yumiko Takagi to the room list. This is Major Montana Max here for rooms three hundred through three hundred and ninety nine. I'd like the keys for eleven of them," he said. The desk man immediately handed the Major the requested items and the short officer handed Enrico his desired room keys before distributing the rest to his invited guests. Enrico hurried to the elevator, as did everyone else. Alucard simply sank into the floor with a leer.

"This vacation is gonna be fun…" he murmured with a dark chuckle.

On the elevator, it was a disaster. Anderson and Enrico were squished against the wall by Yumiko, Heinkel, the Major, and Dok. On the other elevator, there were Integra, Hansa, Zorin, Rip, and Schrodinger. The last mentioned was practically in heaven as he was squished in between a group of exclusively women, primarily Seras and Hansa. Seras waited impatiently for the door to open, and when it finally did, Schrodinger pressed every button by dragging his hands over the panel. Hansa leapt out of the elevator with Seras in tow just as the doors closed. Schrodinger teleported out just after they were on the floor and appeared between them.

Seras frowned and picked up the perverted cat boy by his ear. Schrodinger clawed at the air as Seras lifted him up and Hansa collected all three of their bags. The draculina looked at her friend and walked to their room, unlocking the door and throwing the cat boy inside. She had a very sneaky grin on her face. After Hansa had gotten in and set their bags down, Seras locked the door back and giggled darkly.

"So, what should his punishment be Hansa?" she asked, winking at her friend. The lycanthrope unbuttoned her greatcoat and threw the garment aside, causing Schrodinger's eyes to go wide with wonder. All Hansa had on now was a tight t-shirt and a bra Seras had lent to her, which was too small. The werewolf smiled coyly.

"I don't know Seras. Maybe we should smother him to death, or we could take turns sucking the life out of him," she offered. Seras' face turned a tinge of pink and Schrodinger's eyes lit up like white-hot suns. He stripped off his shirt and Seras unbuttoned hers down to the midline of her chest. She smirked as Schrodinger's gaze fell upon her cleavage, eyes wider than before. The draculina stepped forward, hips swaying and a shy look on her face.

"Pwease don't hurt me Schrodinger. I'm just an innocent little girl," she mused. The boy began panting as his ears shot straight up. Hansa folded her arms under her chest and a smile crossed over her face.

"Schrodinger, I have a favor to ask of you," she purred seductively, curling a finger for him to come closer. She was going to get this little pervert _very_ good. Schrodinger almost floated over to the werewolf and dropped to his knees, eyes full and hopeful. Seras slowly drifted behind him and took hold of his wrists. Hansa winked and Seras planted her foot on the back of his head. Suddenly, she slammed his head into the carpet at his feet. Schrodinger closed his eyes to teleport, but Hansa put her bare foot on top of his head. And let out an evil howl of victory.

"Not gonna vork zis time Schrodinger. You can't teleport vhen you're pinned down. Und now…revenge for your perverseness und zat fucking video tape," she said. Schrodinger's eyes filled with terror.

"NOOOOO!!!"

* * *

Alucard pulled out a blood packet and hungrily began to empty it quickly through a straw as he clenched the object in his off hand. He shifted through the floor outside of his fledgling's room with Seras' badge in his grasp. How in the holy hell was she ever going to take care of herself when he was dead and gone…if that ever happened? The ancient vampire shook the thought out of his head and was about to knock on the door, but a _very_ strange noise interrupted him and caused him to pause. Then he heard it again.

"Say it!" his fledgling's voice yelled from inside the room.

"No!" Schrodinger yelled back.

"Say it! Say it now Schrodinger!" she yelled again.

"Okay! I…"

"You what?" Seras said in a malevolent tone. Schrodinger cried softly before continuing.

"I love eating golden carpet! I love eating golden carpet!" he yelled as he cried. Seras laughed in that tone again. Alucard choked on the blood packet and pressed his ear to the door. Had he just heard that right?!

"Say it again!" Seras yelled. Alucard dropped his blood packet.

"Vhy?!"

"DO IT!"

"I love eating golden carpet!" the boy cried. Alucard almost laughed. He really _had_ heard that right.

"Hey Seras, is it my turn yet?" Hansa asked. Alucard cocked an eyebrow._ Both of them?_

"Here you go Hansa," Seras said. There was a quick shuffling noise and then Hansa's voice picked up.

"C'mon Schrodinger, isn't this fun? You wanted to share a room with us? And now you get to, so say it."

"Kapitan! No, don't- mfph!"

"Say it!"

"I love eating golden carpet!"

"Say it again!"

"I love eating golden carpet!" Alucard took his ear away from the door, picked up his packet of blood, and made his way down the hallway. All the while, he couldn't help but envy the boy. _Lucky Bastard…

* * *

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_A/N: Hope you like it. Lucky Schrodinger! =D_


	3. From Volleyball to Ice Cream

About an hour after Schrodinger had been allowed to leave and everything was unpacked, Hansa and Seras were ready to go. Integra knocked on their door and Seras opened it up, surprised to find everyone else with her boss. She turned to Hansa, who was hiding behind the corner and only just peeking around. She didn't want to be seen like this, not in a bikini. She had been a guy earlier today after all. This was the first embarrassing thing she'd ever had to do in her entire life! Seras smiled gently and threw a towel over her shoulder.

"C'mon! Don't be shy!" she urged. Hansa scowled, but slowly came out from behind the corner with a beach towel in her hands. She stepped out of the room with Seras and everyone, including Integra, stared at her. Hansa blushed.

"Nice bod, sexy," Jan commented. Hansa smacked him half way down the hallway. Everyone else simply stared, except for Dok who was scribbling in a small notebook. Luke again averted his eyes. Alucard phased through the wall behind Seras and wrapped his arms around the fledgling vampire.

"Hmmm…I wonder why nobody expected to find the werewolf like this? Maybe Schrodinger knows her anatomy a little better," he said with a leer directed at the boy. Schrodinger cowered behind Integra.

"Don't hurt me Kapitan! I didn't mean it!" he cried. Hansa shrugged and looked down the hall as Enrico and his three bodyguards came out of their rooms, all dressed for the beach. This was the first time the archbishop might have been out of uniform in a year! Anderson grinned evilly as Alucard phased through the floor and disappeared completely. After the Iscariots caught up, everyone headed for the beach.

At the beach, Alucard was waiting for them, umbrellas already set up, as Integra had probably told him to do. Hansa laid her beach towel out under the umbrella with Seras and the draculina sighed contently, leaning back in the shade. Hansa wasn't very much much enjoying herself here, mostly because it was very hot and very sunny. Besides that, everything was just fine. Seras seemed to be enjoying herself, along with the rest of the vacationers.

"It seems that everything is going well…so far," Integra commented. The Major glanced at her and then let out a sigh of relief.

"Yes yes, but what are we going to do? It's not like we can just sit around and do nothing," Enrico complained, clearly annoyed that there was no entertainment for _him_. Hansa grinned.

"How about a game of volleyball?" she suggested. Nobody disagreed and Alucard sat quietly under an umbrella, his shadow tendrils trailing under the sand and then coming up in the form of a volleyball net. He opened up a book and put on a pair of dark-tinted sunglasses. Integra stood up and looked around.

"I'll choose the teams since Enrico is gonna complain and whine about it. Let's see…how about, Seras, Hansa, Rip, and Zorin against the Major, Dok, Anderson and Enrico?" The archbishop furrowed his brow.

"I'm playing?"

Indeed. Since _you're_ the one who complained about being so bored." Anderson dragged his superior out into the sunlight and drew a rectangle around the volleyball net with his foot.

"Aye, come on nae. Yer not one ta pass up a nice game 'o fun, nae would ye?" the paladin asked cheekily, turning back to the team Integra had picked to face him. Seras and Zorin took back field while Hansa and Rip too up front. The Major took up front against Hansa and Dok went against rip. Anderson and Enrico took up their positions against Seras and Zorin respectively. Luke tossed them a volleyball as he turned to leave.

"I'm off to find a restaurant," he said. Jan looked around and his over-pierced lips turned into a grin.

"I'ma find me some hot chick and take her ta heaven," he said, running off down the beach. Anderson suddenly drew a bayonet up in each hand and chased after the perverted vamp-copy.

"Thou shalt not comit adultery!" he yelled after Jan. Integra pointed at Schrodinger and Hansa smirked.

"You, fill in for Anderson until he gets back." Schrodinger reluctantly took Anderson's place. Enrico used his position as the archbishop of Rome to get the first serve. The ball went up and came down at Seras. She smacked it back over the midnight-black net and it headed straight for the Major. The cyborg effortlessly flipped his wrist and sent the ball back over the net at Hansa. The lycanthrope, not one to be outdone, jumped up and smashed the ball back down. Schrodinger cowered and then teleported behind Enrico. The ball hit the sand. Point for the girls.

"You idiot! Hit it back!" Enrico yelled, kicking Schrodinger back into place. When the cat boy picked the ball up, and found that smoke was rising from it. He whimpered, but served the ball up into the air. The Major grinned.

"Kapitan, stand down," he said, folding his arms across his chest. Hansa froze and sat down on the ground. Order received. Rip growled and seemingly out of nowhere, pulled out her rifle. She baseball smacked the volleyball into the air and it came down at Dok, who spiked it back at Zorin, who easily flipped out her scythe and hit the ball back with the flat side. It came down at Enrico and the archbishop hit it back at Seras, who did the same as Hansa and jumped up, spiking the ball back at Schrodinger, who repeated his cowardice. Point for the girls…again.

Enrico, infuriated that Schrodinger had let the ball reach the ground for a second time, threw Schrodinger into the sand and threatened to have Anderson castrate him if he ran away again. Schrodinger paled visibly and the Major shrugged.

"Zat might solve ze hyperactive problem." Schrodinger paled to an almost paper white and gulped with fear. Rip grabbed Hansa by the shoulder and pulled her up to her feet.

"Vhat are you doing?! We almost got scored on!" she yelled. Hansa glanced at the Major before answering.

"It vas an order," she replied stoically. Rip growled, but simply went back to her spot. Hansa looked at the Major and the cyborg raised his eyebrows.

"Oh fine, play ze game. I vas cheating," he admitted. Hansa nodded and took her jump stance. Schrodinger served right to Hansa. She jumped up with a malicious grin and slammed the ball down at Enrico this time. The archbishop tried to return the ball, but failed as it bounced off his hands and hit the ground. Alucard raised his arm, still reading his book, and pointed over to the girls team.

"And, to nobody's great surprise, the winners are the girls. Woohoo," he finished boredly as a shadow tendril came out of his shoulder and flipped the page. Seras jumped up and down with joy and everyone else turned to Enrico, Rip and Zorin included. Schrodinger appeared at Hansa's side and his gaze fell. Hansa arched an eyebrow as the boy spoke.

"Th-thank you Kapitan. You didn't hit me zat time." Hansa scratched her head and then put a hand on the boy's head.

"Don't vorry. I wasn't going to get you chased after. You already ate carpet earlier," she explained. Alucard broke out into laughter and Integra simply relaxed again. Seras wrapped her arms around the two part-animal people and smiled.

"Alright, now what should we do?" she asked cluelessly. Schrodinger's stomach growled.

"Let's get ice cream!" he suggested happily. Hansa shrugged and Alucard tossed Seras a wad of cash.

"Take that and leave me alone. I need to relax while I'm here," he said. But Seras knew better than to take literally what he said. He was giving her the money so that she could have fun. The draculina thanked her master and left with the other two in tow. Enrico ran away as he was chased by the other four, yelling for Anderson to save him. Alucard couldn't help but crack a grin.

"Oh, having fun are you?" Integra asked.

"At least I got my annoying fledgling, the cat boy, and that damned werewolf out my hair for a while," he replied, flipping the page again.

"I know better than to believe your words, Dracula. You wanted her to have fun, getting soft over the years?" Alucard scoffed.

"Look who agreed to go on a vacation with _Nazis_ of all people. Besides, you know that you wanted to see me without a shirt for a while now." Integra's cheeks tinted a bit pink before she put a fist in her servant's gut.

"Say that again and I'll have that annoying fledgling of yours moved to your room with her friend," Integra almost yelled back.

"Okay, I was wrong. You wanted to see me naked, is that it?" Integra fumed.

"YOU BLITHERING IDIOT!"

* * *

After finding a Baskin 'n Robins, Schrodinger dragged the two women into the store with him, a happy grin plastered all over his face. Seras looked at all the flavors and Hansa sat down at one of the small tables and waited for Schrodinger to order his pre-dinner ten scoops of ice cream, like he always did when he got to have his favorite food. Seras turned back to Hansa and cocked her head to one side.

"You don't want any?"

"Oh, I'll have a scoop of chocolate und a scoop of vanilla on a cone," she replied. Seras looked at Schrodinger, who was busy ordering a variety of combinations for ten double scoops. Seras ordered a double chocolate cone and paid for everything. After Schrodinger had made five trips to the table with his ice cream, he began to chow down on his treat_s_. Seras sat down across from Hansa and began with her treat as well. Hansa waited for a moment as she watched Schrodinger chow down a little _too_ fast. She could wait for this one.

Schrodinger got about half way through his first cub of ice cream before he held his head and squeezed his eyes shut. Hansa cracked a grin as the boy shook violently in his chair. Seras couldn't help but giggle as the boy rocked from side to side as a result of a terrible brain freeze. After a few seconds, Schrodinger calmed back down, taking a deep breath as he carelessly began to chow down too fast once again. Hansa began with her own ice cream, eating the whole scoop of dark chocolate in one hungry bite. She had to admit, ice cream was one of her favorites too.

"Oh wow, that was impressive," an unfamiliar voice said from behind the werewolf. She turned her head to find three boys in their late teens standing behind her, one of them with his arms folded across his chest.

"Und vat is it to you?" Hansa asked giving her ice cream cone a very slow lick.

"Not much, but I'd like to get to know you better. How about you and your friend come with us. Mark here can keep the kid company," the teen suggested. Hansa pretended to think for a moment and then shook her head.

"But…he is my boyfriend," she replied. Seras almost coughed up her ice cream and Schrodinger stopped dead in his tracks. The three teens looked from Schrodinger and back to Hansa.

"But…you can't be serious. You sure you'd choose him over me? _I_ know how to please a woman," the teen replied smugly. Hansa had another surprising reply, one that made the draculina across from her flush red.

"Oh, ve had _lots_ of fun not too long ago. Und my friend over here too." Seras' eyes suddenly turned away. The three teens looked shocked.

"I call bullshit. No way," the teen retorted. Hansa shrugged and wiped her ice cream on Schrodinger's cheek.

"Oh my, come here and I'll clean you up," she said seductively. The boy, not wanting to make his superior angry, obeyed and moved over to her. Hansa quickly grabbed him and wrapped her arms around his back, forcing her overly-curved chest to his flat one. She dragged her tongue along his cheek, slowly licking away the ice cream on his face with a full lick. After he was clean, she went in and kissed his neck seductively. She could already tell that Schrodinger was going to have a seizure if she did any more, so she let him sink into her lap. She looked back at the three teenagers and one side of her mouth formed a grin.

"I can't believe it. That lucky little fucker," the teen said in awe. Hansa finished her ice cream with one bite and finished off Schrodinger's cups as well. Seras left with the two of them, Schrodinger almost unconscious over Hansa's shoulder. The lycanthrope grinned. Schrodinger owed her _big time_.

* * *

_A/N: Well, I hope you liked this chapter. I dunno if it was funny or not, so I need you guys to review and tell me. Thanks! =D_


	4. Shenanigans

Later that day, a huge storm rolled in and Hansa was forced to go back inside, literally being dragged back by Alucard's various shadow tendrils. How she loved the rain and the art of a storm! How she loved to howl in the rain and let Mother Nature's fury at work! But it was all ruined, ruined by a vampire and the Judas Priest that had helped him drag her back. By the time they had gotten her off of the beach, she was wrapped like a mummy in shadow and with holy scriptures keeping her bound.

She growled deeply and snapped and bit at the shadows and paper, but it was to no avail. The two had already gotten her inside. She finally relented and Alucard let her go, grinning widely as his shadow form returned to him and he stared at his hand. Hansa tore his arm off at the elbow and threw it to the ground. Alucard shrugged.

"That's too bad. I was gonna use that hand later." Hansa caved his chest in with a punch. Anderson scratched his unshaven face guiltily.

"He's got a game of scrabble later. He's gonna need both hands fer thaet game," he said in a thick Celtic accent. Hansa glared daggers into the vampire's back as he sank into the floor. The lycanthrope grumbled and made her way to the elevator where Seras was holding the button for her. Schrodinger was standing in the corner, eyes glimmering as Hansa entered the cramped compartment. She ignored him as the elevator went up and deposited them on the third floor. Schrodinger ran off to his room and a huge crack of thunder rocked the building.

Schrodinger's ears flattened and he teleported out of sight. Hansa scratched behind her ear and Seras took her arm. The draculina dragged Hansa to their room and opened the door, only to find Schrodinger curled up in a ball on the sofa. Seras closed the door behind them and furrowed her brow. Schrodinger cringed as thunder cracked again and shook the building lightly. The lycanthrope sat down next to cat boy and put an arm around his shoulder. Seras sat down opposite of him and leaned her head against his.

"Vat are ve going to do vit you?" Hansa asked to no one in particular. Schrodinger shivered with fear from the thunder.

"Well, maybe he could stay here…just for tonight," Seras offered. Hansa shook her head. She looked Schrodinger in the eyes.

"You're a big boy now, so hurry back to your room and go to sleep. It'll be varm under ze covers, okay?" Schrodinger nodded slowly and teleported away in the blink of an eye. Seras breathed a sigh of relief. Hansa laid flat on the length of the sofa and put her legs over Seras' thighs. The younger of the two looked up at the ceiling and smiled faintly.

"I'm jealous of you Hansa," she said, almost in an admitting way.

"Vhy?" the werewolf asked, a bit confused.

"Well…you're hot no matter what gender you are. I'm jealous because Master looked at you like he's never looked at me before."

"Und you think zat's because he vants to have sex vit me?" Hansa asked, straight to the point. Seras flushed red and looked the other way.

"Well, not exactly. I mean- that's not it really…but, he looks at you like he enjoys your presence. And…what you mentioned before."

"Don't be jealous frauline. Inside he burns up because I have not been tampered vit. I am a natural monster, und he knows zat I'm still a man up here," the werewolf replied as she tapped herself on the head. Seras' lip pouted.

"But you have such nice breasts! I can't match up to you!" It was Hansa's turn to blush and look away. She still thought that the extra weight her chest had gained was simply a nuisance and something that made her slower in a fight. It definitely did make it awkward to wear anything tight.

"_I_ have big breasts? Ha! Vhen Schrodinger came back to ze HQ after seeing you, he vouldn't stop talking about his _booby qveen_," Hansa retorted with a smirk. Seras pouted her lip again, but there was a faint smile too. She ran a hand up Hansa's thigh and leaned over. Hansa felt a chill climb up her spine and reach her neck. Seras' hand crawled up further, tracing the inside of her thigh.

"You're so pretty. You do know what two girls do when they're alone, and have some free time on top of that," she said with a smirk. Hansa felt something grow warmer between her legs and growled.

"Nein. I'm not going to do zis unless _I_ can get some fun out of it. Vait until I'm a man again frauline, und I'll do exactly zat." Seras' hand reached the lining of Hansa's bikini. The werewolf felt the heat between er legs get warmer, and a light pink blush crossed over her cheeks. How was the feeling this much different from what it was like as a male?! Seras leaned in close and Hansa raised her hands against her friend. It was no use. Her body was barely obeying her.

"Just kidding!" Seras exclaimed, grinning like a Cheshire cat. Hansa scowled and kicked Seras off, heading for the shower. "But Hansa!" Seras cried.

"No, don…don't play like zat! Zat vasn't funny!" Hansa yelled as she slammed the shower door. Oh, if she had her real body, she'd have broken the draculina's hips with her own. This wasn't funny, this was just plain cruel!

* * *

"Hey, Anderson, let's go see what the others are doing," Enrico suggested. Father Anderson looked at his superior and arched an eyebrow.

"Eh? What's yer hurry? We got all tomorrae and tha day after thaet tae!" he replied, debating whether or not he should take off his coat. He had no idea what was going through the archbishop's head. The man didn't _ever_ work, and Anderson was always left to clean up his messes too! But the archbishop simply rubbed his hands together sneakily.

"We'll go to that Protestant whore's room first, and then we'll get that Nazi bastard. What should we do to them, draw on them, shaving cream on the palm?" he suggested in a hushed tone. Anderson cracked a smile. Enrico was still just a kid. All he wanted to do was pull a few childish pranks, no harm there. Anderson buttoned up his coat and opened the door.

"After ye, Archbishop sir," he said in almost a sarcastic tone. Enrico pulled on a black coat and swiftly walked out the door. Outside, the lights were all out and all was quiet, save for the soft pitter-patter of the rain outside and the occasional soft rumble of thunder in the distance. Anderson thought that this place felt like home, up until the part where Enrico tugged on his collar. The tall paladin leaned down and Enrico whispered into his ear.

"Hey, let's try Integra's room first. Her pet should be running about trying to scare the life out of some children right now," he said with a slight grin. Anderson knew better. Alucard was probably waiting for them on the other side of the door, but Enrico was an archbishop, and he'd yell _very_ loud if Anderson failed to do what he said. The paladin sighed in defeat and walked all the way down to the other side of the hallway, single Hungarian bayonet in hand. He reached the doorway and stopped to listen for anything odd.

Not a sound could be heard besides the rain outside, so he drew back his arm and pushed the bayonet into the door's automated lock. He twisted the blade and the door unlocked easily, letting even Enrico push it open without any effort whatsoever. The archbishop quickly set to work finding his way around in the dark room. He waved Anderson over in the incredibly dim light and pointed to a figure on the couch.

"That _must_ be her. Only someone like her would so lazily throw themselves on a couch like that when there's a bed not ten steps away. C'mon, I have some of your shaving cream with me," Enrico said. Anderson was tempted to snatch the bottle back and wake Integra. That's why he hadn't been able to shave! Enrico had stolen his shaving cream! The paladin silently removed his bayonet from the door and stepped behind the archbishop, who set to work on one knee, trying to find Integra's hand.

Before he could do anything, however, there was a shiny pole pressed firmly against his neck. Anderson heard a few clicking noises behind him.

"I didn't think you'd actually do it. Trying to assassinate your rival, huh?" Integra asked from the couch, sliding her silver blade against the holy man's neck. Anderson simply watched. Enrico could really learn a lesson here! Anderson turned around to leave, but found that another dark figure blocked his way. This one was a man with a large fedora on his head and with a dog at his side, a dog with six glowing red eyes.

"Help me you idiot," Enrico whispered furiously to Anderson, tugging on his pant leg. The paladin paid no attention as the doorway was swallowed by darkness, leaving eight red eyes to shine though.

"Scream all you want, you're not going to be heard," Alucard said in a malicious tone, Baskerville growling at his side. Anderson drew up more bayonets from his coat and held his arms out to his sides.

"Good nae. I wouldn't want tae wake anyone else wit this fight. Let's rumble, in the name of God, AMEN!" Anderson leapt at Alucard and Baskerville, a frenzied look on his face. Maybe Enrico's decision to sneak in here hadn't been such a bad one after all.

* * *

Jan Valentine sat on the floor with a scowl on his face. Luke sat in a chair not far away, almost happy that his brother hadn't gotten his way for once. Jan was so ticked off that the Paladin, Father Anderson, had prevented his raping of a girl today. Luke simply chuckled softly as his brother gave him the finger, a dark aura around him.

"Why the fuck was he so worried?! It's not like I was gonna kill her or anything! I was just gonna rape her!" he stated, fuming angry that he'd been stabbed through the heels and been left unable to walk for the next few hours until Dok fixed him up like usual. Luke simply tried to pass the time by reading, but Jan's books, every single book to his name, were pornographic. And frankly, some of them were just disturbing. Luke tossed his brother the latest issue of _Playboy_ and put his head in his palm.

"I'm going out for some fresh air. You do whatever you need to do while I'm gone," he said, quietly leaving his brother alone. Jan didn't even move for the magazine. Luke shrugged as he closed the door behind him. Maybe Jan was changing? He heard the ruffling of a magazine cover and shook his head. Maybe he was staying the same after all, who knew?

He walked about half way down the hallway before he found that one of the doors was still unlocked. Being the good-natured person he had been known to be, (except towards Alucard) he gently opened the door to tell whoever was inside that they should lock their door before Jan got loose and decided that he was in need of a woman to ease his anger. But behind the door, he found a very strange surprise awaiting him.

"Er…am I interrupting something?" he asked nervously as Yumiko Takagi sat on the floor before him, a blank look written all over her face…her body garbed only in her undergarments. She looked like she was doing something indecent to herself. Yumiko flushed bright red and then her eyes took on a different look, one of rage and malicious intent. She grinned evilly and stood up, grabbing her katana off of a nearby chair.

"Get over here suit boy. You're just in time to help me, because this kinda stuff is hard by yerself," she said, slamming the door shut with her sheathed katana. Luke cringed with fear. She was going to kill him with that thing! But instead of ramming her katana through his gut, she grabbed him by the collar and dragged him back into her bedroom.

"Stop it! Not like this!" Luke yelled, but Yumie paid no attention at all.

"Hell yes, like this. I'll make you scream my fucking name by the end of the night, even if I have to cut you up to do it," she said in a threatening tone. Lightning struck and thunder rumbled loudly. Luke's scream in terror was drowned out by nature's will to have him kept here all night. Yumie unsheathed her long blade and threw Luke onto the bed roughly. The vampire shivered with fear. He'd be lucky to see the next dawn, that is if he could by any slim chance survive the night…

* * *

Hansa shrugged as what seemed to be a faint scream died down with the sudden blast of loud thunder. She curled back up under the covers, back to back with Seras, seeing as there was only one bed in the room and there were two occupants. Hansa had no idea how Seras had convinced her to paint her toenails and say who she would sleep with, and it couldn't be a girl, which would have to make Hansa's choice make her seem gay in reality. She was still a man at heart. And the game wasn't fair! Hansa didn't have a master she was bound to and had to choose as her life-long lover!

But even still, she had chosen after a while. But Seras had laughed at her. Who else among these dirty assholes would she want to sleep with?! She had only chosen Schrodinger because it would have been over quickly, and he'd do whatever she told him to…

Hansa tugged roughly on her ears and growled very softly. How dare Seras make her think _gay_ thoughts! She'd get the draculina back one way or another. And her vengeance was never swift. It took _weeks_ for her to get over something, and this was a big issue. Well, at least Seras hadn't forced her to use pink nail polish. She had brought a few of the good colors, and gray was the only color Hansa would use. Fortunately, Seras had been smart enough to get some, and Hansa now had gray toenails.

She sighed briefly and pulled the covers further up to her cheeks. She really wanted some sleep. Today had been one sick joke by the Major and Dok. How dare they turn him into a girl! He'd get them both back for sure. Before she could contemplate what she was going to do to them, a _very_ soft noise interrupted her and her ears shot straight up. An intruder!

"Kapitan…" A massive thunderclap sent a chill down Hansa's spine.

"Schrodinger? I thought-"

"Please don't be mad Kapitan. I'm…I'm scared. I don't vant to be alone Kapitan. Pl-please let me sleep here tonight. I promise I'll be good," he whispered, tears in his eyes. Hansa felt sorry for him. Schrodinger had always come to her room back at the HQ whenever there was a storm and curled up in a ball until it was over. However annoying it was, there had never a word spoken between them then, the werewolf quietly watching over the cat boy until the storm had passed, or he had fallen asleep, whichever one came first. Hansa stood up and walked over to Schrodinger.

"Shhh…don't vorry. Hansa ist here to make things better," she said, cradling the boy's head against her chest. She practically carried Schrodinger into the next room and lay down on the sofa, letting him curl up onto a ball. She hugged him to her body and his trembling ceased. She breathed a sigh of relief and put her cheek against his.

"Goodnight Schrodinger," she said. The cat boy actually purred softly like a cat before answering.

"Goodnight Hansa," he replied meekly, simply snuggling up closer to her as he continued to purr. Hansa planned to go back to her own bed when Schrodinger fell asleep, but she wound up leaving consciousness with him and falling asleep, curled up with him on the sofa. Not that it really mattered much, but Schrodinger's boxers seemed to be a little tight against her thigh…

* * *

_A/N: Okay, I NEED REVIEWS PEOPLE! If you liked it, or any part of it for that matter, then tell me! I need to know! Thanks. =D_


	5. Dreams and Queens

Hansa's eyes flashed open as an odd clicking noise rang in her ears. She slowly tried to sit up, but something held her down, something that was breathing softly against her neck. She looked down at herself and found Schrodinger nestled against her chest, arms wrapped around her back tightly, as if he was afraid to let go. His legs were intertwined with hers and he had a very embarrassing disposition pressing against her thigh. The clicking continued and the lycanthrope's ears went straight up… it was the door!

She immediately picked the sleeping Schrodinger up and almost jumped into the bathroom to hide herself and the boy from whoever was intruding. Seras was in a bedroom, and Hansa could easily pounce from here to the bedroom door, if the draculina hadn't already been alerted to the foreign presence. The door opened and someone stepped into the pitch-black living room.

"Hmmm…thought I heard someone rush somewhere quick. Maybe…" Jan Valentine's voice whispered from the other side of the door. Hansa immediately searched for a place to hide Schrodinger and herself, and the only place to go was the shower. She slid the shower door to the side and put Schrodinger in, getting into the cramped compartment and Jan opened the bathroom door, turning on the lights. Hansa thanked God that the shower's glass walls distorted the image of a person down to a peach-colored blob. Jan snickered.

"Vampire girl?"

"Guess again," Hansa retorted, putting a finger to Schrodinger's lips as he awoke slowly. Jan tapped the floor with his foot.

"That's odd. I thought you'd take a shower with the water _on_ and without your clothes on." Hansa growled, but begrudgingly removed her clothes and slid the shower door a fraction of an inch, depositing her undergarments on the floor.

"Lucky me, you caught me as I just go it," Hansa said sarcastically. She heard Jan snicker again as the lycanthrope turned the water on. She growled.

"Oh well, maybe I can ju-"

"If you don't get out in five seconds, I'm going to tear _it_ off und bury it," Hansa threatened. Jan silently left the apartment without a single word. He didn't doubt for a second that Hansa would go through with it. The werewolf let out a sigh of relief as Jan closed the apartment door behind him and began walking back down the hallway. He wasn't going to do anything in here! That enough was true.

Hansa turned her head back to the other occupant of the shower, and found him with wide, awe-filled eyes and tongue lolling out. He looked like someone who had gotten his first real-time glimpse of a nice pair of…Hansa looked down and realized that she was bare-chested. Yeah, Schrodinger would have those eyes right now. He'd just gotten his first real-time glimpse of a nice pair of breasts. Hansa let out a groan as the boy's nose began to bleed. His embarrassing disposition begged to be released from its confines of his wet boxers. Hansa couldn't help but feel a little bit sorry for him. It was three in the morning, and Hansa wasn't going to fix that problem for him, no way in hell.

But the cat boy grinned sneakily and disappeared for a few moments before reappearing with his hands behind his back.

"Schrodinger," Hansa asked in a maternal tone, knowing that the cat boy was up to something that couldn't be good. She shook her head and felt something sharp prick her arm. Immediately, she grabbed the cat boy by the neck and pushed him against the wall, but he still wore a sneaky grin on his face.

"Don't fret Kaiptan. You won't remember a thing," he said. Hansa looked down at her arm and saw that he had a syringe in his hand, pushing some strange blue-tinted liquid into her vein. She ripped the medical instrument out of her arm and tossed it out of the shower, falling back with her head spinning. Schrodinger removed his boxers and put them with Hansa's clothes.

"Schrodinger…vhat…no…" Hansa said as she felt the boy's hands crawling up her sides. Schrodinger silenced her as his lips found hers.

"Don't vorry. Like I said, you von't remember a thing…" Hansa's body felt hot, and she hugged Schrodinger to her body. He felt cool, soothing to her burning body. Schrodinger simply grinned.

"I'll…I'll kill you vhen…" Hansa tried, but her threat died in her throat as Schrodinger kissed her again.

"Time to go to heaven," the cat boy purred, tracing the mid line of Hansa's body. She arched her back against him. She'd kill him for sure if she didn't die herself! She felt like she was drowning in pleasure!

* * *

Hansa's eyes shot open and she sat straight up, hearing a heavy _thud_ soon thereafter. The lycanthrope looked down to see what had fallen, and was awestruck to find Schrodinger on the floor, rubbing his head as he blinked away tears.

"Ow! Kapitan, it's three in ze morning. Vhat are you doing?" he asked annoyedly, standing back up and instantly blushing. He had a rather embarrassing need confined beneath his boxers. Hansa's eyes went as wide as dinner plates and she covered her mouth. She…she had been raped! Schrodinger had drugged her in the shower and had his way with her! How could this be?! She immediately rushed to the bathroom and flung the door open, cat boy trailing behind her tiredly. Hansa slid open the shower door and ran her hand along the bottom of the bathtub. Dry as a bone.

She turned around and grabbed Schrodinger's boxers. Dry as well. Hansa felt her own body, trying to find some trace of defilement that the boy could've missed. She felt nothing. The lycanthrope trembled with fear for a few moments before the cat boy meekly whispered something into her ear.

"I think you vere dreaming earlier. You vere mumbling somezing about ripping zomezing off…und about me…und killing somevon," the cat boy finished his statement with a hint of fear in his voice. Hansa knelt down and hugged him softly.

"It vas nozing, so go back to bed on ze sofa. I'm…" she stopped dead in her tracks. Great that it had been only a dream…but that meant that she had just dreamt a _sex dream_ involving only herself and Schrodinger! She looked at the boy and he stared back at her…only he was staring at her chest. She growled softly, but sighed after a moment. If she were a boy again, she'd probably be doing the same thing, more than that really.

She went back to the sofa and snuggled up with him again. They were both asleep until Seras woke them up the following morning to go back out to the beach.

* * *

Hansa sat in the cool shade of an umbrella next to Alucard, who was still busy with sunglasses on his face and his nose in a book. She was enjoying her stay now that she had ridded herself of the horrid memories of last night's dream. She shook her head violently and the vampire next to her chuckled to himself. Hansa glared as he spoke.

"Getting rid of some fleas are you?" he asked.

"If I vas, it still vouldn't be as bad as ze things you carried," she retorted. The vampire shrugged.

"Fair enough. At least I wasn't the one that had a sex dream last night about a certain adolescent boy," the vampire replied in an emotionless tone. Hansa flushed red and then realized the magnitude of the vampire's statement. She turned her head to him and stared worriedly into his eyes, covered by the dark surface of his sunglasses.

"You vouldn't dare," she growled menacingly. Alucard pushed his sunglasses down a bit.

"And you think I could forget warping through the wall to check in on my poor fledgling, only to find you on the sofa, snatch wet, grinding your hips against Schrodinger's, moaning his name in your sleep? Oh no, that is _far_ too memorable to simply slip from my mind." He continued to read.

"Und you think I'll sit here vitout a response, huh? Vell, if I vere you, I'd be more vorried about zose video tapes under ze lining of your coffin, along vit a pair of Integra's panties. Oh yes, I'd be _very_ worried." Alucard's grin faded instantly and his face twisted into something between a ferocious grimace and a demeaning leer. He slowly closed his book and turned his head to the lycanthrope, who smirked deeply.

"Hmmm…I wonder what you did last night. Did you and my fledgling do any _naughty_ things while I was out and about scaring war veterans?" he asked with false-kindness, a carefully-crafted hatred beneath his fake benign gaze. The lycanthrope flipped a tuff of hair out of her face.

"Wouldn't you like to know, Mr. I-know-everything-my-fledgling-knows. Too bad last night is a secret," she said, benignly, but with an unmistakable threat beneath her tone. Alucard nodded silently and returned to his book.

"Still can't believe it though…" he murmured. Not another word was spoken between them before Seras ran up to the two. Hansa glanced at Alucard, but the vampire made no more, nor even looked up to acknowledge that his fledgling had arrived. Hansa stood up and Schrodinger teleported to her side, hugging her waist tightly. Hansa managed to pry him from her body without hurting him. He simply grinned up at her with Seras trying to calm him down.

"Okay Schrodinger, just wait for me to tell her," Seras said, grabbing the cat boy in a headlock and lifting him off the ground. He squirmed in her grip and Seras rolled her eyes. Hansa put a finger on the tip of Schrodinger's nose and he immediately stopped what he was doing and tried to pry her finger off of his body. Seras furrowed her brow.

"It disrupts his sense of smell, zo he vants to rid my finger from him. It always works," the lycanthrope explained. Seras nodded.

"Well, Schrodinger…he accidentally bumped into the guys that you made jealous of him when we got ice cream. And now, they, er the thing is…"

"Vhat?"

"Zey challenged me to a contest, und zey said zat I could get two of mein friends to help me. I told zem zat ze Kapitan vould be enough, und zey said yes. But…ze condition for losing is zat you have to have sex vit all of zem," Schrodinger said, squirming to get away from Seras. Hansa grabbed the cat boy by his chest, her fingers tearing into his flesh as she picked him up. It looked like she was holding him up by his collar, only it was his skin.

"Vhat did you just say?" she asked menacingly. Schrodinger's eyes filled with tears.

"But zey called you a whore…und a slut. I couldn't sit zer und let zem do zat. It vasn't right," Schrodinger tried to explain. Hansa threw him to the ground and licked the blood off of her fingers.

"Ver are zey now?" she asked. Seras pointed to her right.

"Not too far down that way. I suppose it's alright if I go too?" Hansa grabbed Schrodinger by the arm and dragged him all the way to where the teens were waiting. She dropped him upon arrival and the one from before stepped forward.

"I'm Mark, that's Kyle, and that's Jeremy. I suppose you'll get to know us _very_ well in a few minutes." Mark said with a smug grin on his face. Hansa flipped a tuff of hair out of her face and Schrodinger stood beside her, a worried look on her face.

"I'm sorry," he said guiltily. Hansa rubbed his head and scratched behind her ear. This shouldn't be too hard. Mark looked back at Kyle and nodded. Out of six sports bags appeared three weight lifting bars and several dozen weights. She looked down at Schrodinger and he grinned widely.

"Varrent Officer."

"Don't worry. I could talk at von year old, I can lift a good amount of veight." He grinned cheekily as the three teens began to set their weights on the bars. Mark spoke up after the job was done.

"Okay, so the contest is to see which side can lift more combined weight, us or you. Hey, kid, where's the 'kapitan' you were talkin' about? Some French guy?" Schrodinger shook his head.

"No, zis is ze Kapitan," the cat boy explained, jerking a trembling finger to Hansa. The lycanthrope did not look pleased.

"What?! She doesn't look like she could lift a finger to us! The hell're you talkin' about?" Mark yelled. Schrodinger's ears flattened and he turned to the superior officer.

"Kapi…"

"Schrodinger, I can do zis von by myself. Do you vant to sit out?" she asked with a smile. Schrodinger hid behind Seras and shivered violently. Not only was Schrodinger the cause of her rather embarrassing dream, talk with Alucard, and reason for this stupid contest…but these, these _children_ were mocking the last of an entire race! Hansa's blood boiled and she waited for the three teens to get ready. Once ready, they began to get cocky.

"This is two-twenty." Jeremy lifted it above his head with much effort and held it there. "So, how big do you like 'em?" Next was Mark.

"Okay, three hundred," he said, lifting his weight above his head, arms trembling slightly. "Cake walk!" he exclaimed hoarsely. Kyle was last.

"Okay, two-sixty." He lifted the weight and held it over his head, much like the other two. "Okay, combined weight of seven hundred eighty." Hansa cracked her knuckles and the three teens immediately dropped their weights. The werewolf walked up to the bas of weights and rolled out every set she could, for a total of almost a thousand pounds, even without the weight of the other three bars. The loaded up her bar as heavy as it could be, then the other three with what was left. The three teens watched with smug superiority.

"I'm sorry, but do you really think you'll be able to even roll those?" Mark asked. Hansa picked up all for with absolutely no effort and grinned maliciously.

"Dear me, I might not be able to pick all of zis up," Hansa exclaimed softly with mock-worry. Mark grinned.

"I guess that means you come with us then," he said. Hansa turned to Schrodinger and waved him over. The cat boy nervously stepped to her side and whispered into his ear. Immediately, Schrodinger puffed his hest out and his eyes turned blood red. Two pillars of grey smoke came out of his nostrils. He grabbed all four of the weight bars.

"For ze boobie qveen!" he said, heaving as the weights left the ground. Hansa knelt down behind him and wrapped her arms around his back.

"I may consider it too, depending on how well you do," Hansa teased, licking the shell of the cat boy's furry ear. Schrodinger's face turned red with fury and his ears shot straight up. What little muscle and sinew he had on his arms stuck out like cables as he lifted the nigh two thousand pounds of weight above his head, hands blood red and entire body trembling. He glared at the three teens.

"Nobody touches my beauties!" he roared as the weights flew through the air towards the three bewildered teens. They ran even before the weights had hit the ground. Hansa was impressed with Schrodinger. She hadn't expected him to be able to actually lift all four of them. She had prepared to lift three herself and leave one for Schrodinger. This was a nice change of pace for once. Schrodinger suddenly fell back into the lycanthrope's arms and looked up into her eyes, ears perked up and a red tinge still trying to leave his cheeks.

"Zo…I will get to see ze boobie qveen's boobies?" he asked cheekily. Hansa looked over at Seras, whose jaw had dropped to the ground, and nodded. She put her finger on the cat boy's nose and he fidgeted, waving his arms tiredly in a vain attempt to rid himself of the annoying disposition.

"Und I might show you mine if you don't pass out after hers," Hansa replied, pinching his cheek lightly. She stood up and held Schrodinger by the back of his swimming trunks.

"Kapitan?"

"Ja?"

"Vhy vas your basing suit vet when you voke me up zis morning?" he asked. Hansa's eyes twitched and she stopped walking.

"BECAUSE YOU TOUCH YOURSELF AT NIGHT!" Hansa replied, throwing him as far as she could back the way she came. _Vhat an annoying little brat!_ Hansa clapped Seras on the back and gave her a thumbs up.

"You're scary," the draculina commented. Hansa only scoffed.

"True, but at least _I_ don't have to show zat pervert _my_ chest," she retorted with a smirk. Seras ran ahead as fast as she could, screaming.

"MASTER, HELP ME!" Unfortunately for her, Alucard was on Schrodinger's side this time.


	6. Ze Sasqvatch

_A/N: Dedicated to blacksand1!!!!!!

* * *

_

Hansa sat on the beach, a frown upon her face as Schrodinger continually bothered the Major about eating something that would fill his stomach. His fight…rather _slaughter_ with Seras hadn't proven to be as fun as the cat boy had hoped. First, Alucard had feigned being the cat boy's ally and held him down while Seras continually stomped him into mush, only to have him return again and crying for Hansa to help. Right now however, he and Seras had made up and he was busy on begging the Major for money so that he could go eat. The Major held firm and simply ignored the boy's pleas, working on something with Dok instead.

Eventually, the werewolf was so fed up with the crap, that she ripped a few hundred dollars from the shadow tentacle Alucard had hung over her and grabbed Schrodinger by the back of his swimming trunks. The boy teleported them to Hansa's and Seras' room with a grin. The lycanthrope snapped at him. She set him down and unpacked her uniform.

"Schrodinger, go put on your clothes und ve'll go get somezing to eat, okay?" Schrodinger's eyes went wide and he immediately teleported away. Hansa changed with lightning speed and got her greatcoat buttoned up just before he returned, in casual clothes instead of his uniform. Hansa pulled a picture out of her bag, something that the Major had given her yesterday, and showed the boy. Schrodinger took her hand and immediately, they were in front of the building. Hansa grinned, for this was the home of the biggest burger in the world, the Sasquatch! _Bigfoot Lodge…yummy food._

Hansa could barely contain her excitement and she literally dragged Schrodinger into the restaurant by his wrist. When the two entered, they were greeted by a waitress, who Schrodinger gawked at with wide eyes. She had brown hair and soulless gray eyes. She was pretty too, and she looked to be about sixteen to seventeen year old, nice figure. Hansa held Schrodinger up and the cat boy simply stared. The girl smiled gently and put her hands under her chin, looking back at Schrodinger.

"You're just a cutie. Would you like a table for you and your friend?" she asked, scratching behind the cat boy's ear. Schrodinger purred softly and the girl giggled as she took them to their table and set down two menus. Hansa had no need for hers. Schrodinger waited for a minute before he ordered. The waitress flipped open a notepad and smiled again.

"Okay, so what'll it be?" she asked. Hansa handed Schrodinger her menu.

"Von Sasquatch." The waitress furrowed her brow and eyed Hansa for a moment.

"C-could you repeat that please?" she stammered. Hansa folded her arms across her chest.

"Von Sasquatch. I'm hungry. I haven't eaten in two days," Hansa said. The waitress scribbled the order down and turned to Schrodinger.

"And you?"

"A hamburger, medium vell, und three orders of French fries. Und…a coke?" The waitress scribbled down the boy's order and quickly ran back to the kitchen. Inside, there was heard a hearty laugh and a big man with a cook's apron came out of kitchen, scratching the side of his forehead with the blunt end of a butcher's cleaver. He looked at Hansa and then back to the waitress, saying something to her. The waitress pointed to Hansa and the lycanthrope nodded. The chef grinned widely and beamed proudly.

"We have another challenger! Table five has taken on the Sasquatch challenge!" Everyone turned their eyes to Hansa and a bewildered Schrodinger. The cat boy looked nervously up at Hansa, but she didn't even give him a second glance. She looked up at the ceiling and scratched behind her ear.

"I just hope zis doesn't take too long. I don't vant to vait," she murmured, stomach growling with tremendous noise. She let out a discontented sigh and waited. It wasn't long before an 'order up!' could be heard and the waitress carried out Hansa's lunch.

So big was the damned burger that she carried it with two hands. Hansa had recalled the hamburger being enormous, weighing in at a whopping seven and a half pounds, but hell, she didn't remember it looking like a fucking truck tire! The waitress brought out Schrodinger's lunch and stood in front of the booth, a grin on her face.

"Alright, rule is that you get an hour to eat this monster or you don't get your picture on the wall. So far…there've only been four people who have done it. Are you ready?"

"I…I need a cleaver," Hansa stated. After a few moments, the chef brought out a cleaver, freshly sharpened.

"Here you go. One cleaver. Good luck, and God bless you if you get half way through this thing. Bowel obstruction is sure to follow, it always does." And with that, Hansa chopped her meal into eight pieces and chopped the cleaver into the table. She grabbed a chopped part of the burger, which was slightly reminiscent of a nine-inch thick slice of pizza, and opened wide. This was a cake walk compared to some of the stuff she'd eaten back at the HQ!

* * *

Meanwhile, the Major was having a few issues to deal with, one being the fact that he couldn't get anywhere _near_ Integra now that Alucard was sitting beside her, a toothy grin on his face because he knew that he was keeping the Major at bay. The old Nazi, bitter because this ancient enemy was fucking around casually with another man's love life, decided to turn the tables, so he had Dok come up with a more…_potent_ formula than he had administered to Hans. And after he was done, the Major dipped a blow dart into the glowing blue concoction. He grinned slyly.

"Oh Alucard, look over zer! A little boy vit a silver cross!" the Major shouted. Alucard glanced over to the place where the Major had pointed and as soon as he did, the Nazi fired a blow dart at the vampire. It flew towards and struck Alucard in the neck. The vampire, thinking that this was simply a joke, removed the dart and continued reading his book. But no sooner had the dart hit the ground, the vampire's body began to light up and white steam billowed from his mouth.

Integra glanced at Alucard and glared.

"Quit it Alucard. That's annoying," she said. Alucard furrowed his brow.

"It's not _my_ fault Master. Actually, I feel a bit ill," the vampire stated, shifting down into the sand and out of sight. The Major triumphantly sauntered over to Integra and plopped his pudgy form down upon the towel her pet had occupied only moments before. Integra growled.

"What do you want?" she asked, reaching for her silver blade. The Major shrugged.

"I simply vant to talk," he replied. Integra relaxed a bit, but still kept her hand on her blade.

"What about?" she asked harshly. The Major let his gaze wander.

"About a few things. Such as…ze fact zat my subordinate und yours seem to be getting a lot closer."

"How so?" Integra asked, fingers loosening on her blade.

"Vell, for von, Seras seems to be enjoying her vacation…even vitout her master," the Major replied. Integra shrugged.

"That may have something to do with the fact that YOU CHANGED YOUR WOLF INTO A GIRL!" Integra roared. The Major simply rolled his eyes. Integra ran her milky-tan fingers through her stark blonde, almost white hair. Her cold sapphire eyes seemed to glare at the world. The Majroe was simply attracted to her for the prowess she commanded, and the bloodshed she could create with one word, even a snap if she wanted to.

"Zat vas not my intention," the Major deadpanned. Integra let out a frustrated sigh and began massaging her temples.

"Damned headaches," she murmured. The Major stood up and stood behind her, one hand on her shoulder and one on the back of her neck. In response, Integra's blade pressed against the back of his neck.

"What in the bloody hell do you think you're doing?" she growled angrily. The Major pressed roughly on her neck and a few cracks could be heard. He pulled up on her shoulder. Another crack, and then he let go. Integra blinked in confusion, and then lowered her blade, her expression changing to one of confusion. She looked back at the short, pudgy major and the man arched an eyebrow.

"Ze reason you had headaches vas because three vertebrae ver misaligned by a few qvarters of a millimeter. I just realigned zem," the man explained, taking his place back beside the Hellsing. Integra looked confused.

"Alucard?" she asked. Suddenly, the Major's beach towel engulfed him and was lifted off of the ground. It was Alucard alright…just not the normal one. Sure, the vampire had his Girly-Card form, but that paled in comparison to this form in terms of feminism. This form was much like Hans' new one, only Alucard had black hair and red eyes. He looked boredly at his master.

"This seems to be my new default. I feel a bit ill. I'm going to go torture the valentine brothers now…and Enrico if he's still sulking in his room." Alucard tossed the beach towel aside and as he walked, sank further into the ground until he was gone completely. The Major escaped from the makeshift sack and found that Integra had a furious look in her eyes.

"Er…vhat is it?" he asked nervously. Integra drew her silver blade.

"Pervert! Trying to make your own harem are you?!" she yelled, slicking at him as he flipped backwards and began to run away. Unfortunately for him, Integra was hot on his heels.

"Dok, make a cure already! Ze prototype didn't vork! It vas just supposed to turn him into his girl form! You idiot!" the Major yelled as he ran. Dok grinned widely and shrugged.

"All in a day's vork. Please excuse me while I return to ze makeshift lab." Dok walked back to the hotel with a hearty laugh. They'd just turned Alucard into a girl! Unfortunately, the effect was only going to last a few hours, so the prototype wasn't a permanent thing. He sighed deeply, but couldn't help laughing again. Alucard was a woman…a woman! He'd have to catch this one on video. It was just too priceless.

* * *

Hansa chomped down on the last little bit of the almighty Sasquatch Burger and a loud applause rang out through the whole restaurant, many congratulating shouts as well for her feat of the impossibly large burger's demise. She'd finished it in about twenty minutes, but without any sort of problems like everyone else who had attempted it. She looked at her waitress, Uruya, whose jaw had dropped already. The chef who had cooked the thing for her stood by as well, amazed. Hansa heaved a pleased sigh and grabbed her greatcoat off the back of the booth, getting ready to leave. Uruya was busy getting the camera and the shirt that Hansa got for finishing the plate of food that was scarier than some horror movies.

"Wait! You have to get your picture and your shirt!" the waitress called out. Hansa stopped and waited while Schrodinger finished up with his third milkshake. Hansa waited and Uruya came back with the camera. The lycanthrope took her place against the wall, greatcoat over her shoulder. Uruya told her to smile, but Hansa could only bring herself to smirk. The camera flashed and a picture came out. Uruya wrote down the information and put a pin through it. She handed it to Hansa.

"Hn?"

"Put it up on the wall. It's your legacy here now," the waitress replied as she began to scratch behind Schrodinger's ears again. The cat boy instantly leaned his head against her and purred softly. Hansa walked over to the wall and pinned her picture up onto it, looking at the others who had accomplished the mammoth task. Hansa, on the other hand, was still hungry and probably going to eat somewhere else after this too. She turned back around and received another applause, to which she cracked a grin and shrugged. She walked over to Schrodinger and he hugged Uruya s tightly as he could.

"Kapitan! I think I'm in love! Uruya is nice, und she doesn't hit me or rip my throat out like you und Seras do!" Hansa scoffed.

"Sure, _both_ of us do zat." She turned to the waitress, who was still scratching behind Schrodinger's ears.

"Oh my God, you're so cute. I just wanna grind you up and eat ya," she said in a playful tone. Schrodinger was immediately behind a table.

"Both of you are conspiring against me! I knew it!" he stated, pointing an accusing finger at the two. Hansa shook her head.

"Vhy are you not surprised by zese?" Hansa asked Uruya, pointing to her dog ears. The waitress smiled.

"I've seen a lot of weird things in my day."

"You must be at least forty to say 'my day' out in public," Hansa teased.

"I am not that old!" Uruya huffed back with her hands on her hips. Hansa smiled.

"Oh vell. It vas nice meting you. Dankeshon for ze food," Hansa said, giving Uruya the cash for the food. "Keep ze change," she said. Schrodinger made his way to her side and they walked out the door.

"Bye!" Uruya said. Schrodinger waved goodbye as he teleported Hansa and himself back to the beach.

When they got there, they found that both Jan and Luke were running away from a vampire woman with a big six-eyed dog and a shadow arm. Not only that, but there was Seras playing cards with Rip and Zorin, the Major tied up and serving as the support of the legless card table. Integra was laid out with Alucard's necromancy book over her face, silver blade in hand.

"Just like ve left zem," Hansa muttered. Schrodinger hugged Hansa's hip.

"I'm tired Hansa. Let's got to sleep somevhere varm." Hansa set a hand on his head.

"How about you just take a cat nap on ze beach." Hansa looked over at the Iscariots, who were idly lying about on their own beach towels. Enrico looked like he was in a bad mood, and Anderson was idly trying to cheer him up. Hansa plopped down next to the Archbishop and Schrodinger laid down with his head in her lap. Yumiko yawned and rolled over onto her back in the sun as Heinkel cleaned her gun. Anderson sighed.

"Nae how aboot we go and get ye somethin' ta eat? Eh?"

"Nothing around here suits my tastes, pig slop, bleh!" was the spoiled brat's reply. Anderson grit his teeth in frustration.

"Alright. I'm tryina help ye here, and I'm jus' barely fightin' off tae urge ta smack ye!"

"You wouldn't dare!" Enrico retorted.

_**Smack.**_

Hansa raised her hand and planted her palm across Enrico's face so hard that he was knocked on his back. Enrico sat back up, teary-eyed and dizzy. Hansa rested her hand on Schrodinger's head and petted it slowly, scratching behind his ears idly as he napped. Enrico's face turned entirely red, not from the slap, but from uncontrolled rage and anger.

"HOW DARE YOU!" he roared at the top of his lungs. Hansa growled at him with such a menacing tone that she almost scared herself. Anderson scooted away a few inches. Whatever thoughts Enrico had, they were gone as he balled up and cried for his mommy. Hansa smirked. _Coward._

"Well put wolfy. Neat a get him ta eat somethin' around here," Anderson muttered as he flopped back on his beach towel. Hansa looked around her and sighed. Something was going to happen soon, she just knew it. Nothing _ever_ stayed peaceful for these three organizations, and now that they were all in the same place, something unexpected was well overdue. And so…

"Mignonette! It must be fate that we should meet up here! Is it not?"


	7. Subs and Tomahawks

_A/N: Oh my, Pip has arrived. Let's see who else can make their cameo appearance…

* * *

_

As it was, Hansa was rather displeased the next day. She lay on the sand next to Seras, who was idly talking to Alucard about everything under the sun, which excluded them because they were under umbrellas. Hansa on the other hand, had Pip talking to her. And the perverted Frenchman was making every move to get into her pants, which were now on. Hansa had been forced to wear her combat pants due to Pip's tendency to try and trace her thighs with his hand. She looked over at Seras, who was smiling brightly and giggling as she and her master conversed.

Hansa sighed. It was for her friend, so she could bear it for a while. Besides, she had a way to irk the Frenchman to no end. And this way, rather this _person_ was none other than Schrodinger. And her way to irk Pip was to grab Schrodinger and hug him to her chest, which she was currently doing. She could see the way that he bit the butt of his cigarette so hard that it was flattened. Schrodinger on the other hand, was completely happy and had wrapped his arms around the lycanthrope's waist with his head on her stomach.

Pip glanced over at him and sighed.

"So, how long have you been like this?" he asked. Hansa shrugged.

"A few days."

"So you haven't gone through…_it_ yet?"

"Hn?" Hansa was visibly intrigued and turned her head slightly to the man. Pip grinned widely and tilted his hat up.

"Ah, so you haven't experience it yet then? I should tell you then." Pip sat up straight and flicked his burned out cigarette, lighting up another one just as quickly. Hansa sat up and Schrodinger whined quietly as he adjusted himself in her lap. He hadn't gotten sleep last night because of a nightmare about giant cookies and tentacles and an exploding donkey. She still failed to see what in the hell went through Schrodinger's head on a daily basis. Schrodinger rested his head against her chest and the werewolf growled lightly.

"Tell me Frenchman, vhat is going to happen to me?" she asked. Two columns of smoke trailed from Pip's nostrils before he spoke.

"You're about to get Seras to _please_ you." Hansa broke his nose with a backhand to the face. And after a few seconds, he readjusted his nose manually and put a towel to it to soak up the blood streaming from his nostrils. He shrugged.

"Say zat again und I'll blitzkrieg more zan I did your grandfazer's house in ze forties," she growled. Pip's eyes changed for less than a second, but he seemed to think better of yelling at her and stayed silent for a few moments.

"I'm not joking. It's like going through super-puberty. You'll eventually give in and force her to do it. Either that, or I could-"

"If you even _think_ about zat, I vill chop _it_ off and stomp it to death!" Hansa yelled. Pip's hands immediately reached between his legs in a protective manner. Hansa looked down at Schrodinger and he looked up at her in an innocent way that made her smile.

"Kapitan?"

"Not you Schrodinger. Zat filthy pervert over zer. You can go back to sleep," she said soothingly. Schrodinger pulled himself up to her and whispered into her ear.

"I'll beat him up for you if he's mean," he offered. Hansa smiled gently and cradled Schrodinger's head in her hand.

"Zat's very nice, but no. Seras vould get angry if ve left him unable to valk." Schrodinger settled back in the lycanthrope's lap and closed his eyes again. Pip watched the two for a few moments and shook his head slowly.

"All of you are conspiring against me. I bet that butch she-vamp over there is going to kill me one of these days," he said nervously as Zorin glared at him from not to far away. And for a while after that, there was very little said between the two and Hansa thought that he would finally shut up for a while and leave her to actually relax. But, as if there were actually some higher power conspiring against her, Hansa's peace was interrupted. She growled softly as Rip tapped her on the shoulder and jerked a thumb behind her.

"C'mon, ze Major's got somezing to show us. Ve have to go." Hansa woke Schrodinger up and he groggily got to his feet, eyes red and hazy from being awoken form his short nap. He yawned like a kitten and pawed behind his ears. Hansa scratched behind her own ears and Seras hugged her from the side, a goofy grin plastered all over her face. Hansa smiled.

"Vhat are ve doing?" she asked. Alucard spoke up.

"Your Major has something to show us. I hope it's not another woman. This body isn't comfortable, and I can't see how you've adjusted. Your chest is bigger than mine," the new she-vamp said boredly. Hansa smirked.

"I vas able to survive _Operation Barbarosa_, I think I can handle a little body svitching," the lycanthrope snorted in return. They walked along the beach until the Major announced that they should run to the end of the nearest dock. Before anyone could move, Schrodinger was there in an instant.

"I vin! Wait…vhat do I vin?" he called out. Suddenly, something erupted from the water and Schrodinger flew sky high with a terrified scream. The Major simply clapped his hands slowly and what had thrown Schrodinger into the air was now clearly visible. It was a real German U-boat from WWII, probably one of the Major's trophies from the war. Damn, that man had way too many toys to play with. The U-boat settled on the water's surface and the top hatch opened up and out popped Alhambra the Card Man. He tipped his white hat to the bystanders.

"All aboard the _Schwerer Montana_!" he called out. Everyone gave the Major a sour look as he strolled down the wooden down and a gangplank was set down, a gangplank made out of Joker cards from Alhambra's many decks of cards. Alhambra was the card man after all, so he'd definitely have a few cards up his sleeves…or a few hundred. Whatever floated one's boat…submarine in this case. Hansa boarded the sub and as she stepped to the bow, Schrodinger came crying out of the sky and smacked against the deck, flattening his scrawny body against the deck. Alucard snickered as the boy teleported nearby and groaned, rubbing his head.

"You jerk!" he yelled at Alhambra. The card man flipped his hat up and turned to the Major, brushing off his white suit.

"Gut, zer gut Alhambra. Set sail for ze open ocean. Ve need some deck chairs. Luke!" Hansa caught Luke out of the corner of her eyes, being dropping into the bowels of the submarine by Yumie, her katana in hand.

"He's busy! Fuck off!" she yelled back at the stout officer. Montana shook his head slowly.

"Dok, make ready! Get ze engines online!" Montana ordered as the rest of the vacationers made their ways across the large deck. Hansa noticed that the scale of this sub was nearly twice the size of the originals. She didn't even want to think about what would happen if the Major decided he wanted another Bismarck in his fleet. It could very well be loaded with thirty-two inch guns! _A/N: The biggest battleship guns are 18'. 32' is just unfair._

"Hansa, vould you like to shoot some skeet?" the Major asked, the skeet launching machine over his shoulder and Jan with five boxes of the orange discs in his arms. Hansa reached down to her waist out of habit and was disappointed to find that she had no gun. The Major shook his head and pointed behind the werewolf. Hansa turned to see something that delighted her to no end: the sub's deck gun primed and ready to fire.

She immediately took her place behind the gun and grabbed both of the grips for the thing, feeling the familiar trigger on the right one. She looked at the Major as the sub started its journey into the open ocean. Jack loaded up the skeet gun and the Major aimed it out over the port side. Hansa waited for the flip of the gun and it launched one of the small discs into the air. Hansa swung the gun to the left and fired. The familiar boom of the sub's cannon sent chills down her spine and she remembered now why this was so fun.

Shooting bigger guns meant bigger fun! The orange disc exploded into dust and a small plume of black smoke filled the air where it had been. Direct hit for the lycanthrope. Hansa grinned widely and the Major fired three this time. Hansa fired twice and two skeet were blown out of the sky. She aimed again and blew the last skeet up just above the water. She literally howled with excitement and the Major fired off an automatic clip and almost a dozen of the orange objects soared into the air. Hansa gleefully blasted them out of the air and roared with delight as they exploded into dust and smoke.

The Major seemed to be enjoying himself as well, saying something about his joyful likeness to the werewolf in the art of destruction. Jan was forced to bring out deck chairs and set them up where everyone wanted them. He had two extras, expecting Yumie and his bother Luke to be back by now…but they were still absent. Integra scoffed when Jan asked where they were and Father Anderson put his head in the palm of his hand. Enrico simply set himself down in one of the deck chairs and stretched out his _very_ pale body. Nobody actually said it, but they all knew he didn't get out much.

Anderson was dressed in an unusual way right now, because this was the first time anyone had seen him out of his robes, including the other Vatican agents on the sub. Anderson wore a pair of swimming trunks of gray with a purple trim, and that was all. Anderson's physique wasn't much unlike Hansa's back when she had her _real_ body. His skin pigmentation was rather unusual though, being almost as tan as Integra without artificial augmentation, such as actual tanning under the sun.

"Anderson, why exactly are you so tan?" Alucard asked as 'she' shadow shifted behind the priest and wrapped her arms around his waist. Seras flushed bright red at her master's actions and Hansa smirked. Alucard was shameless! No matter what for the original was in, he was a shameless dog of Integra's. The Hellsing Knight groaned and sat down in a deck chair, unsheathing her blade slowly as the Major edged towards her.

"Take another step towards me and you get a blade to the forehead," she growled. The Major simply shrugged and fired another skeet disc into the air above the submarine. Hansa quickly blasted it out of the air with a grin on her face. She then turned around and leaned on the gun, the barrel pointing to the sky. She watched Alucard talking with Anderson, still latched onto him like a barnacle. The priest adjusted his glassed and a holy scripture flipped into his hand out of nowhere.

"Thou shalt not ask me why I am so tan, Amen," he said, slapping the scripture on Alucard's face. The vampire paid no attention to it.

"Well then, how'd you come to get a body like the wolf's? Surely you're not a pet dog such as he?" she suggested, long serpentine tongue flicking out and trailing along the shell of Anderson's ear.

"Thou shalt not like my ear, Amen," Anderson warned, slapping three more scriptures on Alucard's head. The vampire chuckled darkly.

"You think that'll stop me?" Anderson stepped forward and Alucard remained where she was, seemingly frozen. She furrowed her brow.

"You ass," she growled. Anderson flipped out another sheet of holy paper and stuck it to the wall with one of his bayonets.

"Just make sure not to move…I suppose I don't have to tell you that right now. I'll take them off when we get back to the beach. You just sit tight and sulk all you want," he said, lying down in a deck chair next to Heinkel and Jan. He closed his eyes and was soon relaxing as he had planned. Alucard growled and managed to bring out three sets of eyes, but not summon her demon hound. Baskerville's eyes seemed disheartened that at the fact that he couldn't go and play. Seras turned around and acted as if she hadn't seen anything. She walked over to Hansa and the werewolf smiled.

"Hey Hansa," she said cheerily.

"Gutentaag Seras. Vhat do you need?"

"Nothing really. I just wanted to test out the gun and see if it was as powerful as mine," she said half-jokingly. Hansa stepped aside and grinned.

"Herr Major, can I shoot skeet for Seras?" she asked. The Major turned around from talking to Integra (From a safe distance) and nodded. Hansa quickly picked up the shouldered the skeet launcher after taking off the stand. She fired off three and waited for Seras to shoot them down. The draculina hit all three just before they hit the water and chirped for more. Hansa upped the speed and fired two more. Seras hit those just as quickly and Hansa kept on firing skeet as the draculina continued to blow them to bits.

* * *

But after a while of relaxation and blowing the living crap out of stuff for fun…there was a slight setback to their vacationing. Off to starboard side the Card Man had spotted something that had flashing red and blue lights on it, and everyone's' mood soured as the sirens of the Coast Guard boat could be heard as the ship closed in on the sub. The Major, deciding that t would be best not to try and escape due to the fact that there was another vessel nearby, this one unidentified. The Coast Guard boat pulled up along side the sub, and Hansa was surprised to see that the ship was so big. It wasn't a boat, it was an actual ship loaded with National Guardsmen and those of the Coast Guard as well. A military officer stepped out on the deck.

"Unidentified submersible, you will halt all actions immediately. You are in Unites States waters and will surrender your vessel without a fight, or we will be forced to take immediate action!" the man stated. Major Montana turned to Hansa, who was idly standing by with the skeet gun in her hands. The stout major nodded to her and she grinned, turning to the officer and his crew aboard the ship.

"Just try and stop us!" she yelled back, swinging the deck gun to face the ship. She motioned for Seras to follow her as the crew of the ship scattered in all directions and the soldiers opened fire. Hansa dodged past bullets whizzing past her ears and hopped up on the barrel of the deck gun. She ran across it and jumped onto the Coast Guard vessel, unloading orange discs into the soldiers that were almost bewildered by her strange maneuver. Seras wasn't far behind her and Pip, who had been absent the whole journey out to sea, followed the two with a pistol in each hand. He grinned widely.

"This is what I get for tagging along? I should've stayed home," he said, firing into the crowd of soldiers. Fortunately, he'd remembered to bring some rubber bullets. Seras, Hansa, and Pip managed to scatter the soldiers and crew quickly and then hopped back aboard their own vessel as the Coast Guard retreated to a safe distance. Hansa spun the deck gun to face them. After a few moments, there was a voice on a loudspeaker.

"We will open fire with a tomahawk cruise missile if you don't hand over your vessel immediately!" the officer yelled. Hansa fired just over the bow of the ship and the crew scattered once again. This time, it was the Major that replied to them.

"Zen fire! I hope you can hit us!" And from the other vessel just on the horizon, there billowed a thin strand of gray smoke and a red-headed missile. Hansa aimed for the missile, but before she could shoot, there was a very odd noise emanating from the instrument of destruction. As it drew nearer, everyone recognized the noise and every single one of them face-palmed in unison.

"Yahoo! I have a big red rocket!" Schrodinger yelled from the back of the cruise missile. Pip suddenly burst into laughter and held his sides for support. Everyone looked at him and he fell over, kicking his legs as he laughed and laughed.

"Haha! I can't believe he actually said it! Hahaha!" All eyes turned back to Schrodinger as the missile neared the sub. Hansa continued to trace its flight path with the gun, to shoot it down if need be. Fortunately for her, when the missile reached the sub, it passed a few feet over the deck.

"Wheeeeeeee!" Schrodinger cried out as he held a cowboy hat on his head and held a robe tied around the head of the missile with the other. How he had managed to redirect a missile that was homed in for the sub, nobody would ever know. But what they did know, was that he was now redirecting it towards the ship it had come from, and the Coast Guard vessel was already making its escape. There was a deafening _boom_ coming from the horizon and Schrodinger suddenly appeared on the end of the deck gun's barrel, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"You idiot," Hansa said, tilting the barrel up so that the cat boy slid down the barrel and into her arms. She sighed.

"Job done Kapitan. Now take me for more ice cream!" he ordered. Hansa rubbed his head and cracked a grin.

"Just as soon as we get back. Herr Major, let's get out of here before ve have to face down a battleship," Hansa said, turning to her superior for confirmation. The Major nodded to Alhambra and the Card Man ducked back into the sub's frame. The engines revved to life again and the sub headed back for the beach. Alucard chuckled to herself darkly and leered at Anderson.

"You do know that once we get off this death trap, that you're mine?" The priest pulled out a bayonet from thin air.

"I got a whole lot more waitin' fer ye," he commented with a leer to match the vampire's. Everyone's attention suddenly turned to the back of the deck where Rip, Zorin, Dok, and Heinkel were sitting. They all yelled out at once:

"WHY DIDN'T WE DO ANYTHIGN IN THIS CHAPTER?!" Everyone else simply laughed.

* * *

_A/N: Well, hope you liked it. Reviews please!_


	8. Snacks and Suds

"You little shit! I'll wring your filzy little neck 'til you turn as blue as a fucking smurf!" Hansa roared at the top of her lungs, rounding the corner out of her doorway with Seras right behind her and Schrodinger running away from her in fright. Everyone on their floor poked their heads out of their rooms to see what was going on. Hansa growled so deeply that it really did sound like she was in wolf form already. She leapt at Schrodinger and grabbed the rim of his pants. She dragged him to the ground and put her hand on his head, forcing his face into the carpet.

"No! It vas an accident! I promise Kapitan! Have mercy!" the cat boy shrieked as Hansa grabbed the back of his neck and Seras grabbed her shoulder.

"Hansa, isn't that enough?" she asked worriedly. The lycanthrope turned and glared so hard at Seras that the draculina retreated back a few steps. Had looks been able to kill, Schrodinger wouldn't be able to believe himself out of that death. The boy shrieked again and began to cry as Hansa grabbed him around the waist and the neck, effectively pinning him so that he couldn't get away. Dok's failsafe came in handy every once in a while. Hansa snarled at Alucard, who was busy enacting a few explicit things behind the doorway. The werewolf could hear the 'ka-shing' of Integra's silver blade against shadow tentacles. Hansa shivered. She would _hate_ to be Alucard's roommate.

Once safely back in her room, Hansa deposited her captive on the floor and flashed her fangs to him. He didn't dare teleport away, out of sheer petrified terror that Hansa would do to him once she caught his cat boy ass again. He shivered and backed up to the couch, his ears flattened and eyes a bright yellow. That meant one of two things for Hansa. He could either be about to beg for mercy…or he could be trying to fight back. The werewolf licked her clawed fingers and grinned with malicious intent. She so much hoped it was the latter.

She would have fun torturing him for assaulting a superior officer.

"I didn't mean it Hansa. Please…don't hurt me," Schrodinger begged. Hansa knelt down between his trembling knees.

"Oh, but you did. Just look at vhat you did to it," she said, holding up her ice cream-covered greatcoat. Schrodinger had tried to replicate her ice cream-to-the-cheek-move with an entire bowl of the stuff when he 'accidentally' tripped and it had gotten all over her _only_ fitting uniform. After that, she had chased him and brought him back here. Hansa pushed him back against the couch with one hand as she placed the other dangerously close to a sensitive part of his body. He flushed bright red.

"I'm sorry. I don't vant to be killed again," he said in almost a murmur. Hansa grinned maniacally and let out a gleeful, evil laugh.

"Oh, but you _do_ vant to be tortured. Und you _do_ vant to be hurt and killed over and over again. Zat is exactly vhy you keep acting like a little pervert, is it not? I know just how to torture you until you _crave_ it."

Unexpectedly, instead of begging for mercy and pleading and crying…Schrodinger struck her in the face with a balled fist. Hansa rearranged her bruised jaw and looked down at Schrodinger, who was staring at her with a positively horrified at what he had just done. Hansa suddenly had a revelation about the boy. Not only did he have an inferiority complex around women, he had guts too. The lycanthrope thought it appropriate to warn him of the level of punishment he was encroaching on.

"I…didn't…"

"You do understand vhat zis means, right?" Hansa asked sweetly, scratching gently beneath the cat boy's chin with a sharp claw. "I can do things to you zat you've only dreamed of. Zer are much vorse things in zis vorld zan _pain_ torture. We could try edging, vhen ve wrap rubber bands around _it_ und make you unable to have a _you-know-vhat_. Und zer are such things as endurance thresholds vhere you'll be unable to deny yourself ze pain for the feeling you get aftervards. Oh yes, things get much worse from here on in. So, do you vant to hit me again?"

"I'm sorry Kapitan…" the cat boy replied, tears in his yellow eyes. Hansa couldn't see his ears they were so far drooped.

"You didn't answer me. So zat means you vant ze next tier of punishment. Seras, please get me two rubber bands," she said, turning her head to the draculina. Seras didn't move a muscle, simply horrified at what she was watching.

"HANSA! How can you even think of doing that with…to him?!" she yelled. Hansa smirked, unbuttoning Schrodinger's shirt. The cat boy cringed.

"Oh, _how_ is not ze qvestion here my friend, it's the amount of torture before he gives in. I do hope he lasts a few minutes at ze very least."

"I von't hit you again! Please, I'm sorry! I don't vant to be be a slave! Wah!"

"Who ever said you got to be a slave? No, zis is not on a personal level. Zis is purely punishment for striking an officer. If zis vere personal…"

"Don't…please. I'll clean your clothes Hansa. Just…I don't want to be tortured like zat. Don't do it," the boy pleaded, tears now streaming down his cheeks and hands clutching Hansa's undershirt. His head was turned down and he was holding back frightful sobs. Hansa sighed, knowing that he'd learned at least something close to a lesson. The next time he hit her though, it was all over for him. That would be the end of Schrodinger.

"Alright, but you have to clean my coat, alright? Und you can't lick it clean either. I know vhere zat tongue has been," she snorted.

"Oh my," Seras said, covering up her giggle with a hand. Schrodinger flushed red, knowing full well that Hansa was joking. But it didn't make the situation any better. The cat boy lightly pushed Hansa off of him and grabbed her greatcoat off of the floor, only to have more clothes piled up in his arms. Seras winked and Schrodinger groaned, opening the apartment door with his foot. Hansa and Seras followed him, knowing that this was going to be an enjoyable spectacle. There was the side note that they needed to keep an eye on him to keep his actions pure.

But once they got out of the doorway, Alucard poked her head out the door and deposited her large red cloak, pants, and undergarments into the cat boy's arms. She smirked.

"Okay everyone! Get what you need to the kid before he leaves!" In a few seconds, Schrodinger's arms were full of clothes that needed washing and he was left to do the job virtually by himself. Hansa and Seras each put a hand on his shoulder and he teleported them to the nearest Laundromat.

* * *

Schrodinger heaved a frustrated sigh as he sorted out all the laundry into groups. He put the girls' clothes on the left and the boys' on the right, shoveling each load into a washer. Hansa and Seras had just enough change between them to get everything started and only three cents left over left over after the dryer part was to be done. Hansa dropped the change into Schrodinger's awaiting hands and the boy started up the noisy machines. Hansa rubbed his head and turned around to leave the building.

"C'mon Seras. I'm getting somezing to snack on vhile ve're here," she said.

"But vhat about me?!" Schrodinger whimpered, tugging on one of Hansa's belt loops. The werewolf flashed her eyes yellow and the boy immediately backed off and went dead silent. Seras smiled at him.

"Don't worry. We'll be back in a little while," she said, trying to sooth the pained look on his face from being abandoned so easily by the woman he probably thought was a demon and the woman he thought was an angel. Hansa grabbed Seras' hand and literally dragged her out of the Laundromat, holding her up outside. The vampire grinned sheepishly.

"We really should have thought about what we were wearing before we came here, shouldn't we have?" she aksed. Hansa looked both of them over. Seras wore a t-shirt and short shorts that Alucard would have made lewd comments about had she been here. Hansa wasn't much better, and in fact, was probably worse. She wore a tank-top that your could see one of Seras' borrowed bras through and a pair of combat pants without a belt. Because of that, they hung low on her waist. She wore her combat boots as well, and Seras wore a pair of flipflops. Neither of them was really suited to go outside.

But then again, neither of them really cared. So Hansa flipped through the cash in her pocket, finding that she had about forty dollars left. After locating the nearest convenient store, they immediately began to search through it for snacks. Hansa immediately buried her interest in the beer isle as Seras went into the candy section and grabbed what looked like an armload of kit-kat bars and butter fingers and gum. Hansa bought a case of Guinness and grabbed two ancient pieces of candy that she hadn't found anywhere in a long while: Jawbreakers!!!

Both women walked up to the front counter and deposited their loads of items. The teen at the cash register stared at the mountain of snacks with wide eyes, and glanced up at the two women. Hansa waited impatiently for him to begin with his job and let them get out of here. All she wanted were some snacks, and quick. The teen began with the mountain of candy, which was going to cost a _lot_ more than what Hansa had on hand. Seras forked over her share, which was about fifty dollars, and the mountain slowly turned into several bags of candy.

The teen seemed to glance at both Hansa and Seras at every chance he could, particularly below their eyes. Hansa snorted.

"I don't have eyes on my chest, now do I?"

"Hansa," Seras warned playfully, stretching her arms above her head. Her chest bounced and the cashier flushed bright red. Both women smirked. After about five minutes, the cashier had all of their snacks ready and Hansa paid up, receiving less than eight dollars in change. Seras had really run up the bill with candy, but then again, it was _theirs_ to eat with Schrodinger. Seras slung the seven bags of candy over her shoulder and Hansa popped the cap of a beer bottle with her teeth, spitting it out of her mouth as they left. She took a big gulp of the drink and chuckled as Seras gave her a strange look.

"Vhat?"

"You shouldn't drink in public, certainly not the whole case," she said in a hushed tone. Hansa threw her arm around Seras' shoulder.

"Oh, vhy not? I can drink most people under ze table vit ease. Although ze drunks in an Irish pub are qvite persitant."

"I thought you guys hated us Brits?" Seras shot at the werewolf. Hansa grinned slyly and sipped at her beer.

"Ve didn't try to bomb Dublin, now did ve?" she asked in return.

"Oh, you jerk." They both laughed and Hansa opened the door for Seras, considering the vampire's hands were full. Hansa stepped into the Laundromat and quickly found that there was something wrong. It could just be a coincidence, or it could be the worst luck possible, but Schrodinger was in trouble. Hansa walked over near the cat boy and his ears perked up as she neared him. The three older guys by him turned to Hansa, expecting a person who looked like they could help the boy. Much to their surprise, there were two women in front of them. Hansa flipped a tuff of hair out of her face as Schrodinger opened his mouth to say something.

He was immediately cut short as one of the three pulled his boxers up to his shoulders. Schrodinger's mouth shut like a steel trap and he squeezed his eyes shut. He immediately teleported to Seras and the draculina hugged him softly. Hansa finished off her beer and set the bottle on the end of her boot. The three guys looked at her with befuddled looks on their faces. Hansa cracked her neck.

"If you don't go over zer and kiss his feet in ze next five seconds, I'm going to knock all of you flat on your asses. Zen I'm going to stuff you into ze vasher. So go, zis is your chance," she said, motioning that they should do as she commanded. They looked at each other and then laughed heartily. Hansa understood what they thought. They were all about twenty years old, and probably just picking on the weird kid that had a lot of laundry. But hell, that was _Hansa's_ job, not theirs. Before Hansa could begin to count, something flashed by her.

She realized it was Seras when all three of the guys were on the ground, noses bloodied and teeth clattering to the floor. The draculina stood, looming above them with her right fist covered with red blood. Her eyes had some sort of 'vendetta' look in them.

"Yeah, pick on the weird kid, eh? You wanna go over there and say you're sorry before I really get angry?" she asked. Hansa grabbed her arm and Seras spun around. Hansa easily caught her punch and Seras' look turned to one of embarrassment. The three guys dashed for the door, but Hansa grabbed two of them and Seras got the other…by their boxers. _RRRIIIPPP!!!

* * *

_

Upon returning to their apartment, Schrodinger was busy munching on the various candies that the two women had gotten for him and themselves (but was mostly being devoured by him) earlier that day. Seras sat on the couch and stared at the ceiling, tapping her bare foot on the carpet. Hansa finished off her last beer and eyed the inside of the bottle in vain hope that there was just one more drop left inside of it. She sighed and tossed it into the trash can.

"Vhat's been stuck up your ass for ze past hour?" Hansa asked. Seras heaved a sigh.

"I used to get picked on at the orphanage, and I even stabbed a kid in the eye one time because of something stupid and irrelevant. I don't want Schrodinger to do anything like that," she said. Hansa shrugged.

"Oh sure, he's in his sixties you know. He'll just use a gun or a bomb to do ze job. But it vas nice of you to stand up for him. That's ze first time I've really seen you angry zis whole trip."

"Hmph! Like I would just sit there and let that happen, fat chance!" She grabbed a butter finger off of the coffee table and opened it up. "I do have to ask though, what was with setting the bottle on you boot?"

"Oh that? I used to do zat vhen I got into bar fights. Flip ze bottle into ze air vit your foot and see if you can be ze last one standing before it hits the ground. Better yet, catch it too," she replied with a grin. Seras slowly shook her head.

"I'll never understand you guys," she said. Hansa grinned, opening up a jawbreaker.

"I don't think anyone will," Hansa replied. The door was suddenly flung open and all the men on the third floor barged into the apartment. All of them had angry red faces, save for Anderson and Luke who seemed to be the only level-headed ones present.

"Who washed our clothes?!" the Jan asked, a tick mark on his forehead. Seras and Hansa pointed to the cat boy, who turned around wiping chocolate off his face.

"Ja?" he asked. The Major held up a uniform, which had shrunken significantly, as did everyone else. Hansa suddenly looked at her own uniform, and found that it was fine. Enrico pushed past Anderson and Jan, grabbing Schrodinger by the collar.

"YOU IDIOT! YOU WASHED OUT CLOTHES IN COLD WATER!" Schrodinger grinned.

"Vell zen I guess it's a luck thing zat I washed my clothes in ze other batch," he replied, teleporting away. Enrico fumed and his face turned even redder. He looked like he could explode any second now. Hansa threw a jawbreaker at him and knocked the Archbishop of Rome out cold. Anderson caught him and nodded thankfully at Hansa, who relaxed back to the couch and put her feet up on the coffee table. The door slammed shut and Seras began to laugh uncontrollably. Hansa arched an eyebrow.

"Hahaha! Oh, did you see Enrico's boxers?! They…haha! They had little hearts on 'em! Hahaha! Master'll get a kick out of this!"


	9. Castle Wolfenstein

_A/N: Sorry for the late update. This one really isn't a funny chapter, but it's got a good bit of fighting. For those of you who've played __Return to Castle Wolfenstein__, I hope you enjoy the setting. I tried my best.

* * *

_

Over the next few days, nothing eventful happened, save for the fact that Alucard reverted into his male default and went on a rampage after having just been able to get Anderson to stab the former 'her' with holy bayonets. Fortunately, Alucard was subdued by his master and confined to their room until further notice. Right now however, everyone was resting quietly in their rooms. (Except for Luke and Yumie) Hansa's sensitive ears picked up the noise and she growled softly, trying to push the thought from her head. Schrodinger sat up on the opposite side of the couch and his ear twitched.

"You heard zem as vell?" he asked. Hansa nodded slightly.

"Zey von't shut ze fuck up. Ugh! God, it's too hot here! I vant to go home!" the werewolf howled with frustration. Seras poked her head out of the bedroom and furrowed her brow.

"Oh, don't go home Hansa! If you go, then everyone else'll go and I'll have to go home!" she whined. Hansa sighed.

"Zat's not vhat I meant. I vant to go home, back to my real home, in Germany, just for a vhile."

"Oh, that sounds like it would be fun. But…wouldn't it still be hot there?" Seras questioned. Hansa smirked.

"It's in Europe. My homeland is covered in snow right now, but here there's none. I vould like to visit my actual home for once. It's been over sixty years you know." Schrodinger stretched out his body along the length of the couch and let out something between a yelp and a cat meow. He flushed scarlet and immediately covered his mouth. Hansa broke out into laughter and Seras giggled softly. Schrodigner teleported away and teleported back in a few seconds. He had a wide grin on his face.

"Ze Major says you can go home today," he exclaimed, holding his index finger up in a 'eureka' manner. Hansa immediately stood up and grabbed his arm, but Schrodinger didn't teleport. He let out a chuckle and waved Seras over. She quickly scampered over to him and grabbed his arm as well.

"Alright shrimp, let's go," Hansa commanded. Schrodinger shook his head.

"I can bring whoever I vant. Rip vants to go too, right Rip?" he called out. In a few seconds, Rip strolled in, dressed out in her uniform and wearing her swastika pendant. Hansa grabbed her greatcoat and dressed out as well. Only Seras wore casual clothes, a shirt and shorts. Apparently she had ignored the fact that Hansa had pointed out, that it was snowing in Germany. Schrodinger grabbed Rip's hand and the four teleported away to Germany, the rural eastern border to be precise. When the four arrived, Seras immediately shivered.

"Yay! Ve're back in ze Fazerland!" Rip exclaimed, twirling about in the light snowfall, arms raised to the sky in a gleeful manner. Hansa was probably happier to be home, but didn't show much for it. Schrodinger seemed indifferent to see his actual homeland, probably because Brasil had been his home for the better part of his life. In Germany, he'd only spent his early months in a lab and then been shipped to Brasil with the rest of Millennium and the Nazi command. But, he looked happy enough to be here.

Hansa looked around for a moment, trying to find the path that led to her old home. It was rather difficult to find in the snow, but then again, since when had she failed to find it? She'd come back more than a few times before, and every time Schrodinger missed the mark by a few miles. She didn't understand what having powers of teleportation did for the boy if he couldn't get the right place on his first try!

"Come on, I'll take us zer," Hansa said, transforming into her giant wolf form. She lay down in the snow and Schrodinger clambered onto her back, along with Rip and Seras. Hansa stood back up and sniffed the ground for a moment, trying to find some trace of her previous trail home. And after a few moments of sniffing furiously at the ground, she found the trail and the right back. She leaned back and then took off in full sprint, not even caring to find the trail again. She already knew that she was going the right way, and of course she wouldn't miss the place. It was a small castle after all. How could she _not_ spot it?!

And when she finally did spot it, her three passengers were almost thrown off as she broke into a sprint and began to pant heavily with excitement. She was finally home! It had been nearly a decade since she'd returned to _Castle Wolfenstein_. She grinned happily and leapt up the path to the castle, jumping on top of the four-towered gatehouse and setting a giant paw on each of them. She stepped off and was in a slow run the rest of the way, dodging past sixty-year-old defenses from World War II. The castle wasn't completely abandoned though…unknown to the four entering it.

_A/N: Yes, I know that Castle Wolfenstein is located in the Alps, but it fits my story better if it's in Germany._

Hansa shook off her companions at the front gate and transformed back into her human form, picking up her comrades before she turned back to the castle. It had been a great many years since she'd roamed the halls at night, and it felt good to be back. There was a certain familiarity to this place that she couldn't ever forget. She pushed on the large gate and it slowly opened just enough for the werewolf to slip inside. The other three followed her quickly and Seras gasped when she got used to the darkness.

"There's bones here Hansa!" she cried, cowering behind Rip, who grabbed a large halberd from one of the statues to her right. She put it over her shoulders like she usually did her rifle. She smiled at Seras and perked up.

"Zat's because an American named Villiam B.J. Blackovits vas captured and imprisoned here. But he broke out und killed ze defenders, and eventually ze undead zat Himmler had managed to raise. He even killed Heinrich ze First."

"Who's that?" Seras ased dumbly. Hansa grabbed a large Danish axe from a suit of armor and stepped back, gripping the steel handle of the weapon tightly. She growled softly at the darkened hallway before her.

"He vas a varlord of Germany und vanted to conquer all of Europe. He still has a few trick up his sleeve," she said. Immediately, something shifted out of the darkness and screeched at the 'intruders' to the castle. Hansa swung the axe like a whirlwind and hacked the thing in half. Unfortunately, whatever it was, managed to drag itself back into the darkness and hiss out of earshot. Hansa grabbed the half of its body that hadn't left and held it up for Seras and the others to see.

"Is that…a person?!" Seras asked worriedly. Hansa tossed the lower half of a corpse at the draculina and she squealed with terror, holding Schrodigne rin front of her as they both cowered behind Rip. The sharpshooter tapped the thing with her foot and shrugged.

"Don't vorry. It's dead you guys."

"That's not why I'm scared!" Seras yelled. Rip glanced back.

"Zen vhat?"

"You saw that thing pull itself back into the darkness, right? It's not human!" Seras cried, shivering with fear behind Schrodinger. The cat boy put his hand to his chin and thought for a moment.

"Zat could have been one of ze _Ubersoldaten_ created here during ze var. Hmmm…or it could be one of ze undead, or somezing else," the boy mused. Hansa smacked the top of his head with the flat of her axe and growled at him. He was making jokes about a home-invasion by undead and unwanted guests. Not only that, but they were in _her_ home, not just a random person's castle. Hansa was rather angry at these undead. They didn't die like all the rest did after the war.

So Hansa shouldered her weapon and looked around for a light. She found an unlit torch and quickly struck up a flame, holding the torch in one hand and the Danish axe in the other. She motioned for the others to follow, but Seras and Schrodinger were far too petrified to follow. So Hansa left them where they stood and Rip stayed to guard the two. Hansa delved deeper into the ancient castle, torch held out before her. She suddenly found that she was following a thick trail of crimson blood…fresh blood. It drew her hunting senses out and her fangs flashed out, her eyes turning yellow.

She followed the blood trail deep within the castle and eventually found the one who had created it, indeed, one of the supersoldiers that Himmler had created here. The man was breathing heavily, trying to drag himself across the floor for a final escape. But Hansa wasn't about to let that happen. So she swung her axe down and cleaved the soldier into pieces, relishing the dying screams that he let out before going limp. Hansa withdrew her axe from the corpse and turned around, unexpectedly finding that there were three more supersoldiers, two of them with MP40s and one with a flame thrower.

Hansa threw her torch at them and swung the axe. The flame thrower launched a jet stream of fire at the werewolf, but she managed to dodge safely enough. She hit the two soldiers to the right and cleaved them into pieces. She shoved the haft of her axe through the flame thrower's chest and the soldier let out a cry in pain before being pinned to the wall and dying. Hansa's torch went out as it landed in a pool of blood, leaving the werewolf in complete darkness. She looked around, her night vision able to let her see effectively enough here. She picked up the two MP40s and made her way do the hallway again, holding both guns forward.

She turned the corner and found a locked door, which was soon an unhinged door as she kicked it in. The lycanthrope stepped into the room and looked around to see if there were any more invaders here. After finding no trace of any humans, she walked back out of the room, only to come face to face with a monster. Actually, there were over a dozen of them. All of them looked like patchwork creatures with deformed heads and arms as thick as Hansa was around. The things had the bottom halves of their bodies gone, in place were devices that emitted bolts of electricity.

Hansa hosed down the lead one with her machine guns, but they seemed to do very little against it. Most of the bullets actually bounced off if its hide. The werewolf growled and was suddenly shocked with enough voltage to fry a human being. She struggled to stand and hosed the things down again, but there were more behind it. She managed to score a few lucky hits in its eyes and its gaping, jawless mouth. The creature fell forward and the next one in line jumped over it.

Hansa ran out of ammunition quickly and threw the weapons at her opponent, which batted them away with one arm. It began to 'walk' towards her, more electricity skipping across the floor towards her. This time, Hansa ran the opposite direction in a sprint. No way in hell she was going face-to-face with anything like that! Even though she could go into wolf form, she would destroy her home, and she would get shocked to a crisp. Even the axe was useless, seeing as the haft of it was made of steel, a very good conductor for electricity. All she needed now was a stronger gun.

So Hansa went in search of a new gun, something stronger than an MP40 anyway. She didn't understand why such bulky armored soldiers had such puny weapons, but it didn't do much for her to worry about it. She kicked in a few doors, only earning her more foes to slay, such as a few more ssupersoldiers and a few with gas masks on. She had yet to find one that actually had a good weapon.

Eventually, Hansa found herself in the bottom of the castle with little else to do than hide. She now had about ten of those no-legged monsters chasing her about and three undead zombies, who kept shooting skulls of some sort at her and draining her strength. She was worn out, and still refused to change into her wolf form. She ripped open a few crates and finally found a decent weapon, a Sten Gun. She loaded it up with a full clip and turned around, only to find that there were no more creatures chasing her. Instead, there were five supersoldiers, all armed with tubes of some sort. Behind them were two soldiers, of much smaller stature, armed with miniguns. Hansa backed up and aimed her weapon, pulling the trigger. She hosed down two of the supersoldiers before they fired back, and the result was desastating.

Hansa hadn't expected them t be wielding guns that could shoot lighting at her. Even if she could regenerate most wounds, this hurt like a thousand needles piercing her gut. Hansa fell to the floor and barely managed to stay conscious long enough to see a woman step out from behind the soldiers.

"Oh, what is this? You've survived the tesla gun? I suppose we could have a little fun with you," she said. Hansa only managed to get out a growl before she passed out on the floor.

* * *

Meanwhile, the other three were trying to survive a battle of their own. Seras lashed out with her shadow arm and dismembered yet another masked soldier with a minigun. Schrodinger laughed maniacally as he held a flamethrower in each hand and yelled 'burn, burn' out at the top of his lungs. Rip happily sniped several of the huge armored soldiers with a sniper rifle she'd found. Seras was none too happy to be stuck with a Mauser C96 and her own shadow arm. She had wished for a heavy weapon like she was used to, but alas, it was not to be so.

She fired off three rounds and blew off another soldier's head before the rest fell back down the hallway. Seras was frustrated now and stomped down the hallway with Schrodinger and Rip behind her, covering the rear. Where in the hell was Hansa?! They'd been looking for her for the past half an hour and still found only a dead monster with no legs to prove that she had been here at all! The draculina fumed, and that's when Schrodinger's ears perked up and he stopped immediately, lowering his weapons. He looked around absentmindedly for a few seconds before turning back down the hallway and putting on a grim look.

"Hansa's in trouble," he stated.

"That's impossible Schrodigner. She's a werewolf. How could she possibly be losing?"

"She's in ze dungeon. Ve need to hurry!" Schrodinger cried, grabbing both of the vampires and teleporting to the dungeon. Seras checked the area for enemies, but could only find two dead supersoldiers. Schrodinger rushed down the hallway as fast as he could and Seras followed, Rip loping behind them with an evil glint in her eyes. She really was a sharpshooter.

As they neared a big stone door, Schrodinger phased out of existence and teleported into the room behind the door. Seras used her vampiric strength to kick the doors down. Rip stayed back a few feet, as every good sharpshooter would. Seras peered into the room, dimly illuminated by a large pentagram in the center with a woman lying in the middle of it, chained to the floor. Seras immediately recognized the woman as Hansa and became enraged. She dropped her gun and went into bloodlust mode, a huge fan of black blades appearing from her left arm. Her fangs were longer than before, and her right hand was clawed.

Schrodinger scorched the defenders with a few war cried in German, but Seras was most occupied with three woman that stood over Hansa, chanting something out of a big tome of sorts. Seras lunged half way across the room at them, but a creature that shot electricity moved into her path and threw her back with a concentrated bolt of the stuff. It didn't stop Seras for long, and she tore it apart easily. She headed for the pentagram again, but this time she was stopped by a blinding red light that enveloped the three women and Hansa. Seras batted away at the red light, but it held against her and she failed to help Hansa.

There was a horrifying scream and then Seras staggered back, holding her hands over her ears to help dissipate the noise. After that had died down, there was deep, bellowing laughter that Seras thought faintly mimicked her Master's when he was blowing the living…life out of vampires with his gun. The red light faded away, leaving Seras to realize that all of the soldiers had been slain by Rip and Schrodinger. The only person left was a huge man in medieval armor with a large golden dragon on the front of his breastplate.

He had scraggly black hair and a beard to match. His skin was a disgusting green color and rotting away, leaving patches of dark brown muscle beneath, filled with maggots and worms. The man held in one hand a large kite shield with a spike on the center of it. It was covered in blood and gore. In his right hand, he held what seemed to be a large one-handed axe with a spike opposite of the axe blade. The huge man turned to Seras and flashed a rotten, shit-eating grin at her. He dropped his shield in favor of something else, rather that be _someone_ else.

He held up Hansa by her blonde hair with his rotting left hand and looked at her, almost in a curious kind of way.

"You're not as vile as the last woman who resurrected me. But I suppose I can use you in all the same ways," he said, sticking out a serpentine tongue to lick her jaw line. Hansa slowly blinked in confusion, waking up from something of a shock-induced coma. She looked around, and upon finding that there was a long, disgusting tongue licking her, she blew a gasket. Hansa ripped off the man's arm and threw it against the wall. It instantly rotted away into nothing more than dust.

"GET ZE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" she roared, not caring at all that there were corpses lining the floor all around her. She punched the armored man with an uppercut that had so much force, the man crashed into the ceiling, about ten more, and then out of the castle's roof. And then he crashed down through about ten floors, came through the ceiling, and Hansa roundhouse kicked him into the wall. The man made a final grasp at life, but it was in vain as his flesh rotted away and his bones turned into dust. Hansa stomped over to the pile of dust and kicked it until it was spread out across the floor, fuming with anger.

And the moment she was through, the castle began to shake and pieces of the stonework above began to fall through the large hole in the ceiling. Schrodinger grabbed all three women and teleported them outside the castle. Hansa sat down on the ground and cursed darkly as her ancient home collapsed in on itself, years of scientific work and all sorts of ancient antiques crushed beneath tons of stonework and masonry. Hansa muttered and cursed for a few minutes before standing up. Schrodinger teleported everyone out of the snow and back into the room they had started in.

Hansa let go of Schrodinger and walked out of the room. Out of curiosity, Seras followed the werewolf to the Major's room. Hansa knocked lightly on the door and the Major answered with his trademark on his face.

"Gutenta-"

"YOU DIDN'T GET RID OF ZE MOZERFUCKING TROOPS LIKE YOU SAID YOU VOULD!!!" Hansa roared a him so loud that the man's hair was blown back. The Major's grin left his face and he took on a stern look.

"Capt-"  
"BUILD ME A NEW FUCKING CASTLE! OR I'LL SEE JUST HOW FAR I CAN KICK YOUR HEAD OFF YOUR SHOULDERS!!!" she roared, this time knocking the Major over. Hansa slammed the door in the Major's face and stomped back to her room, flopping down on the couch and letting out a deep, frustrated sigh. Schrodinger sat down on the floor next to her and tilted his head to the side.

"Zo…do you vant anysing right now Hansa?" The werewolf looked over at Schrodinger and laughed.

"I vant…I vant a nice hot bath und tickets to ze zoo," she managed to say before getting up and walking into the bathroom. Seras sat down next to Schrodinger and he looked up at her, a confused look on his face.

"She didn't hit me zis time," he said in an astounded tone. Seras rubbed his head and smiled.

"Maybe you're getting better about that," she said. Unfortunately, when Hansa reappeared behind Schrodinger with an empty bottle of Shampoo in her hand, the cat boy was proven wrong. Hansa put her hand on the top of his head, scratched behind his ears, and then crushed it into a million little pieces. After that, she went back into the bathroom, leaving Seras with an almost headless Schrodinger lying in her lap. She sighed. _Maybe he's not getting better about it after all. Oh well, at least he didn't do anything perverted this time._ Schrodinger reformed in Seras' lap and smiled.

"Her castle vas infested vit ze undead after all. And by ze looks of it, she seems to be back to normal."

"So is mine," Seras replied absentmindedly. Rip stood next to them, a questioning look on her face.

"Vait…zo she just kills you regularly?" she asked. Schrodinger nodded and Rip kicked the back of his head in, grinning her trademark evil grin. The tuff of hair that stuck off of the top of her head suddenly became more defined. She laughed evilly, a glint of bloodlust in her eyes.

"Vait!" Schrodinger cried. Rip took him by the neck and cracked his spine, only to have him reform again in front of her.

"Zis is for every little perverted thing you ever did to me!" she she-vamp roared, stomping Schrodinger into mush. Seras simply watched as the boy was torn to pieces over, and over, and over, and over again. And so killing Schrodinger became a regular thing for Millennium. In fact, it was almost like a new pastime for the vampires of Millennium form then on. And after watching something get slain a thousand times over, Hansa's mood actually improved. Of course, the fact that it was Schrodinger had absolutely nothing to do with it. That was simply an added bonus!


	10. Cosplay

Because Hansa was still in a bad mood the next day and tickets to the zoo were completely and utterly sold out, Seras, Alucard, Pip, Rip, Heinkel, Luke, and Yumiko got together to help her. They all gathered in Integra's room and sat down in a circle on the floor, brainstorming on ideas to get the werewolf's mood to improve. It wasn't like it was _their_ fault for her castle being destroyed, but they still needed to do something. If they didn't get Hansa happy again, then the vacation would surely end! She was the only reason the Major had initiated this whole thing from the start!

"Does anyone have an idea yet?" Seras asked, tapping her fingers together. Pip grinned.

"Maybe I could-" Everyone glared at him simultaneously.

"NO!" was the joint response. Pip folded his arms across his chest and grumbled about them being French-haters.

"How about a shoot-out?" Heinkel suggested. Seras thought it was a good idea, as did Luke and Yumiko.

"Nope, he's tired of shooting things for a while. After you guys told me about that fiasco at the wolf's house, I doubt he'd want to shoot anything for a while," Alucard said, blowing the idea out of the sky faster than a Luftwaffe over London.

"How about something with costumes?" Rip offered up. Alucard made a leer.

"Maybe we could get Pip in a French maid outfit," he said. Everyone looked at Pip and he glared back at them, crunching a cigarette between his teeth. He turned his eye to Alucard.

"Why me, you Wallachian ass?"

"Because it's more authentic if we have someone who's French wear the outfit," he shot back. Luke sighed.

"I got an idea," he said nervously. Yumiko hugged him and put her head on his shoulder.

"What is it?" she asked. Alucard gagged.

"Bleh! Love, I'm outta here. You two make me sick," he said, sinking through the floor. Baskerville was left in his place, the six-eyed dog's resting his shadowed head on Rip's leg. The vampire scratched behind his ears as she listened to Luke's sudden spark of genius.

"Well, the costume idea _could_ work. But there's only one way it _would_ work," he said. Everyone leaned in.

"Who?" Seras asked. Luke smirked.

"Which one of the guys on this vacation looks the most feminine?"

"Zat's easy! Schrodinger!" Rip answered. Luke nodded.

"Now all we need to do is find some costumes…" After a few moments of hard thinking, Baskerville's eyes closed and a black shadow blob formed on the floor, quickly reforming back into a human form with a larger fedora and red coat. Alucard flipped out his orange sunglasses and put them on.

"Anyone order a set of Nazi Youth-sized costumes?" Heinkel stood up and Alucard opened up his coat, revealing practically an entire cosplay shop's worth of costumes. She grabbed a few and looked at them oddly for a few seconds. She then turned around and held the two costumes she had picked out in front of her. Everyone began to laugh.

"What is this crap? Are we really gonna make that kid wear this stuff?" she asked. Seras covered her mouth and drummed her heels on the floor to keep from laughing. The now-hostile Yumie chuckled at the costumes.

"When you're done with those, can I have some? Luke would look so cute in the left one," she said. Luke's eyes went wide.

"WAT?!"

* * *

Later that day, Hansa was trying to sleep in her bed, frustrated at the fact that she couldn't sleep here. She was sad that her home had been destroyed, but more so about her condition. This was fun and all, but eventually, she would have to transformed back into a man. This vacation was up until the castle incident, the best time she'd had in decades. But it was something bittersweet due to the fact that she had to enjoy it as something she wasn't at heart. Right now, she just wanted to be normal again, to have her mind and her body on the same wavelength.

Hansa sighed and rolled over on her bed, slamming her fists down on the sheets.

"Wvy can't I sleep?!"

"Because you don't have anyvon to cuddle up to," Schrodinger replied from the balcony off to the right of the bedroom. Hansa sat up and got out of bed, opening the glass sliding door to stand out on the balcony with him. The cat boy smiled up at her as he leaned back and unbuttoned his shirt. Hansa rolled her eyes and he feigned being hurt.

"Missed your target," Hansa scoffed. Schrodinger shrugged slightly.

"At least I tried." Hansa leaned back as well and stared at the sky, watching three clouds floating lazily across the sky. Schrodinger smirked.

"You vanted to go to ze zoo because you could go see ze volves, right?"

"Yeah. I need somezing to cheer me up right now. After my house…after ze _entire_ castle falling, I'm not in much of a mood to be happy."

"Well then how about you come out here and let us do something nice for you?" a voice suggested from the bedroom doorway. Both animal-eared Nazis looked to the doorway and found Seras standing in it with Alucard behind her. She beckoned for the werewolf to come to the door, and so Hansa walked over to her, being abruptly pulled into the main room by Rip, Heinkel, Luke, Yumie, and Pip. They sat her down on the couch and everyone else sat down on the floor. Hansa was a bit confused, but went with it. And after a bit of yelling from the bedroom, a shriek in terror, and a lot of grumbling, Alucard walked back out and sat down on the floor as well.

Seras then walked out of the bedroom and a leer that resembled her master's very closely. She held her hand out to the bedroom door.

"And now, we have our very own cosplay master, Schrodinger!" she announced. Everyone clapped, and Hansa clapped slowly, still confused. What kind of cosplay was this? Certainly Schrodinger wasn't going to do what she thought he was going to do?

"C'mon already!" Alucard Growled.

"Schrodinger, come out here," Seras whispered furiously.

"Nein! Vhy do _I_ have to vear zis?"

"Because you're the only one it looks funny on," the draculina replied. After a few seconds, Seras grabbed him and pulled him out into the open. Hansa's eyes went as wide as the cat boy's and Schrodinger flushed as red as a rose. The cat boy was wearing (Probably involuntarily) a French maid outfit and had a feather duster in his hand. Seras pushed him forward lightly and the boy blushed redder.

Everyone broke out into a horrific cacophony of laughter all at the same time. Pip fell back against the couch and his eye began to water. He held his stomach with his free hand and simply laughed. Alucard even let out a dark chuckle, getting some sort of sick satisfaction out of this in a way. Heinkel was drumming her heels on the floor. Yumie and Luke were practically crying they were laughing so hard. Rip was rolling around on the floor, holding a hand over her mouth to keep from making too much noise. Hansa stifled a laugh before it could snowball. Seras pushed Schrodinger back into the bedroom and after about a minute, she pulled him back out.

"This time, we have our _naughty_ cowgirl Schrodinger," she said, giggling like a schoolgirl. This time, Schrodinger was dressed in a denim skirt and checkered panties. He also had a bandana tied across his chest and a cowboy hat on. He wore cowboy boots, pink cowboy boots in fact. He held a real revolver in his hand. His face was still as red as it could possibly get. This time, everyone busted out in a chorus of laughter, and even Hansa began to laugh this time. It was just too funny. Schrodinger was in a cowgirl costume!!!

Seras pushed him back into the room and then Schrodinger cried out.

"Vhat?! How can I wear zat?! It von't even fit!" There was much clattering and shuffling in the bedroom, and then Baskerville trotted in and everything went silent save for the ruffling of clothes. Baskerville trotted back out and sat down on the floor next to his master. Alucard now waited, a scowl on his face. Hansa was even interested in what was next. There was a small clatter, and then Seras pushed Schrodinger out for everyone to see. They all went wild when they saw him.

Schrodinger was dressed this time in a school girl's uniform and Seras had somehow given him pigtails big enough to cover his furry ears. His shirt looked too tight for him, and the miniskirt Seras had put him in revealed that he was wearing panties with stripes on them. Schrodinger's lip quivered and he rubbed his knees together, thigh-high stockings rubbing together as well. Hansa burst into a fit of laughter and held her sides. Schrodinger whimpered with embarrassment, the blush on his face ever present.

"C'mon, let's try on another one," Seras commanded, grabbing the cat boy by his pigtails and dragging him back into the bedroom. She laughed maniacally and there was a loud series of ripping noises before she came back out, dragging Schrodinger by the collar. He was dressed out in what looked like a carbon copy of Seras' yellow uniform, only a downsized version of it. Schrodinger whimpered as everyone laughed again. And after everyone was sufficiently laughed out, Seras took him back for another wardrobe change. This time, they saw the torso of a shirtless Schrodinger clawing at the floor to get out of the bedroom.

"NO! DON'T MAKE ME DO IT!!!" he cried. Baskerville trotted inside of the room and there was snarling and growling, only to be followed by Schrodinger latching onto the doorway. After a few more seconds of fighting, the wall tore and Schrodinger let out an blood-curdling cry in terror. Baskerville once again trotted back out and sat down next to Alucard. Moments after that, Seras pushed Schrodinger out of the room, and everyone was completely silent.

"And here we have a birthday present for Hansa. Schrodinger, tell her happy birthday." The cat boy was now literally wrapped as a present. But the only thing on his body was a long, winding red ribbon that ended wrapped around his neck and tied into a bow. There was a bow tied in his hair as well.

"H-happy birthday, Hansa," he said quietly. Everyone burst out into a chorus of laughter, but Hansa stayed silent. She looked into Schrodinger's pink eyes and he turned his gaze away from her. But she had seen it. He really _did_ want to be her present! Hansa smirked and Seras dragged Schrodinger back into the room again. This time, he was pushed out in something that made even Hansa blush.

Schrodinger was wearing _her_ combat boots, a pair of _her_ socks, and _her_ tanktop. Other than that, he had nothing on. He pulled the front of the tanktop down to cover himself and flushed madly red. Everyone laughed, but Hansa felt a little sorry for him. This had cheered her up quite a bit, but now Schrodinger was really getting embarrassed. Hansa smiled at him and stood up, grabbing Pip and Alucard by the collars. She smiled at Seras and the draculina nodded, an evil grin spreading across her face. She threw Pip into the room and held up Alucard, who leered at her.

"You wanna see me in that cowgirl outfit, doncha?" he questioned.

"You're zo eager Alucard. But I have ozer things in mind. Be Pip's costume." Pip and Alucard looked back and forth between each other and Hansa. But as soon as Hansa smirked, Alucard got the biggest grin anyone had ever seen him have upon his face.

"Oh, this is gonna be _fun_." Alucard shadow melded into the floor and Pip screamed like a little girl. Indeed, this time it would be Pip's turn to flush red, especially since he was going to have many more costumes to try out. He even fit the persona as well, having braided hair and all. Hansa and Seras sat down on the couch as Schrodinger reappeared with some shorts. He sat in Hansa's lap and they all awaited the Frenchman to appear.

"Hey, I don't see what's wrong with this one," Pip said as he appeared before everyone, in a full tuxedo and even a pack of Camels in his pocket. He turned around to check something, and then, everyone, had they not been more than normal humans, would have laughed themselves to death.

Pip was wearing……ass-less chaps.

* * *

_A/N: Hope you guys liked it. Reviews please!_


	11. The Zoo

_A/N: Okay, after a long wait, here's your update. Sorry for the long delay…my bad.

* * *

_

The very next day, everyone was up bright and early (Or about to pull an all-dayer in the vampires' cases) and at the California Zoo. Hansa handed her ticket to the teen at the booth and the boy simply stared at her. The werewolf growled at him and walked through the gate, cracking her neck as she did. Inside, Schrodinger was already waiting for everyone, a wide grin spread across his face. Seras and Alucard were waiting as well, and the latter looked rather guilty for sneaking in without paying.

Hansa could have cared less, and would have rather simply broken in and gotten through this entire thing for free. But alas, Integra made some of those present obey the law. And after everyone was in the zoo, Dok gathered up the large and abnormal group for an announcement. Whatever it was, if it was one of Dok's or the Major's schemes, it could not be _any_ good for everyone else. The enigmatic Nazi doctor-scientist opened up his medical coat and displayed to the others a small fire extinguisher-like object tucked away in the left side of his coat. He grinned broadly.

"Now, I have prepared somezing zat vill be very interesting to use in zis kind of place," he said, a glint of madness shining from his eye. Or maybe that was just the sunlight glinting off of his enormous glasses? Who knew? Maybe it was both?

"Vhat is it Dok? Could zat be some new laughing gas to be tested?" Schrodinger asked hopefully. Hansa kneed him in the backside and shut him up before he could say anything else. There was no way she was going to let Dok spray the kid with any more of his 'laughing gas' from the lab. Hell, all that crap had been last time was a smoke machine filled with hashish smoke. And that had made Schrodinger sing _Hosana in the Highest_ with a bottle of moonshine in one hand and spanking himself with the other. Hansa didn't know where Dok had smuggled the stuff from, but when she finally finished her investigation, the exporters would be dead. But for now, all she could do was listen.

"Now, I vill spray each of you in ze face vit zis formula, und it vill make you go to ze animals vit vich you are most akin to. Now, if you vould…" Everyone lined up and Dok immediately hosed them down with the strange gas. After a few moments, Hansa felt something strange welling up inside of her nose. She sniffed to make the feeling go away, and then she knitted her brow. What was this smell? She sniffed again and made an about-face. She suddenly recognized what this way, mostly because of her keen sense of smell. It was the smell of other wolves, a pack to be exact. She began to stroll in the direction of the scent's source, and very soon, the others began wandering off to go to their own animals.

Hansa took a long stroll, idly sniffing the air to track down the pack of arctic wolves here. And after passing through the nocturnal animals, where she saw Alucard and Dok going into, she found her wolves. They were in one of those big, open pens with no glass barrier and a huge wall surrounding it with a moat on the side of the wolves. Hansa put her elbows on the rail and her chin in her hands, a smiled beginning to form on her face. She whistled once, and all of the wolves immediately parked up, ears standing on end, noses pointed to the crowd. People started talking dozens pictures of the wolves, and Hansa whistled again.

This time, the wolves immediately turned their heads to her and Hansa flat out grinned with pride. One wolf lowered her head and put her paws over the end of her snout. Hansa was surprised that the matriarch was giving up this easily. But then again, Hansa was a werewolf, and probably able to rip apart this entire pack without any trouble whatsoever. Of course, being grown and raised in the zoo should have weakened the wild and protective nature of these wolves. But, if she couldn't get wild, natural wolves, these would have to do. Hansa stepped up on the railing and someone grabbed her hand. She saw that it was one of the zoo staff.

"Hey, get down from there, that's dangerous," he said Hansa broke his grip and jumped down into the wolf pen. She walked over to the nearest wolf and he growled lightly, a little confused probably. Besides, how could the scent of a matriarch be coming from a human? Hansa knelt down and growled back, causing the wolf to whimper and lay down. Hansa tilted her head to the side.

"_I didn't want you to fear me,"_ she said to him in the only language she figured he'd understand.

"_What am I supposed to think? You have such a scent of authority and you growled, which means that you're angry at me,"_ the wolf replied.

"_I'm sorry. I just want to take the matriarch out for a long walk, alright?"_

"_Take…take her for a walk?"_ the wolf stammered.

"_Yes indeed. Don't worry, she'll be back in no time,"_ Hansa said. And with that, she walked over to the current matriarch, picked her up, and leapt out of the wolf pen. The crowd that had gathered immediately scattered and Hansa set her wolf down, realizing that the scent that had led her here was the very scent of this wolf. The matriarch looked up Hansa and whimpered.

"_What are you going to do with me?"_ she asked worriedly. Hansa scratched behind her ear.

"_Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you. Oh, what's your name?"_

"_Cindy,"_ the wolf replied. Hansa's mood soured. Alright, Cindy was most definitely _not_ a wolf's name.

"_Well, your new name is…Felicie as of today. Your name means 'lucky' and you should be proud of that,"_ Hansa huffed. The wolf nodded.

"_Felicie…got it,"_ the wolf replied. Hansa smirked and the radio she had been given this morning blared with Dok's annoying voice. It was a transmission about how they were to meet up at the aquatic animals section. Hansa and Felicie moved through the panicking crowd without another word, simply growling at someone who was too close. And it was much to Hansa's amusement, that the zoo authorities tried to stop them with tranquilizer guns, a firing line of them. The werewolf heaved a great sigh and cracked her knuckles. Felicie lowered herself into a leaping stance, but Hansa whistled sharply. Felicie stood still.

"_I'll handle this. You just look pretty,"_ Hansa said as she transformed into a gigantic white wolf. The zookeepers immediately broke rank and fled as fast as their feet would take them. Hansa smirked and changed back into her human form, licking away some unruly white fur that had managed not to disappear on her wrist. She and Felicie broke into a run and made their way to the aquatic section…after a few mishaps with the local prontopup vendors, _mostly_ Felicie's fault anyhow. Eventually, the two met up with Seras and Integra, who had two strange animals.

"Hansa! Hey…your animal didn't change, you got a wolf," Seras pointed out.

"Of course, she's half wolf," Integra said. Hansa saw that Seras had a kangaroo with her and that Integra had a red elk. They waited at the section entrance for the others, which soon made their appearance. First was Dok, with a big owl on his shoulder. Seras laughed at him.

"He got an owl because they both have big hooters," she said giggling. Hansa rolled her eyes. Dok looked confused, massive glasses resembling the owl's huge eyes. Unfortunately, Dok had taken Seras' pun one step further and put glasses on the owl to protect its eyes from the sun. Next, Schrodinger and Alucard arrived at the same time, giving each other nasty looks. On Alucard's head, there was a vampire bat. Everyone present, including Integra, said the exact same thing.

"How surprising," was the unanimous, sarcastic remark. Alucard's grin faded and he shadow shifted over to Integra's side. Integra's red elk literally hopped away and the head of the Hellsing organization slapped Alucard in the back of the head, causing his grin to reemerge. Hansa looked at what Schrodinger was holding, and to no great surprise, found that he held a harmless house cat with golden fur. Seras giggled and made a _cute and harmless_ remark that devastated the cat boy entirely. Soon afterwards, Jan, Luke, Yumiko, Heinkel, Anderson, Enrico, and Alhambra arrived as well.

They all entered the aquatic section with their animals and met up with Pip, Zorin, and the Major inside. As soon as everyone saw the Major's animal, they all burst into an enormous chorus of laughter and a fit of cacophony. The Major, with a scowl on his face, raised his hands repeatedly like he was telling them to raise the noise.

"Ja, laugh it up…assholes," he murmured. Behind the pudgy Nazi officer, there was literally _laying_ at the bottom of the massive water tank, a manatee, better known as the 'sea cow' to everyone else. And after about three minutes, everyone had gotten out their laughs and giggles and they could move on to see what Pip and Zorin had. And when they got to Pip, very few of them were surprised to see him grinning about having a dolphin.

"Of course, Dolphins are the only other animals on earth that have sex for pleasure," Rip said, petting the panther that accompanied her. Its tail swished back and forth like a long centipede almost, and Alhambra's chameleon lashed out with it's tongue. The panther jumped into Rip's arms and she staggered back and forth to hold the beast. Alhambra stepped back to avoid the claws that swept just past his ear. The chameleon on his shoulder changed to the color of Alhambra's jacket and disappeared almost completely.

"Oh look! Zorin's got a…a fish?" Seras said, scratching her head as she stared at the strange fish before her. Zorin grunted.

"Oh, that's a Sheepshead Fish," Dok said with a leer. "It can change gender from female to male if it gets big enough," he finished.

"ZORIN CAN BE EIN MANN IF SHE GAINS VEIGHT?!" Schrodinger roared at the top of his lungs. Zorin swept her scythe across his neck and decapitated him, only to have the cat boy appear with his harmless kitty back at a safe distance. So, Hansa examined the rest of the group. Jan had a Boa Constrictor wrapped around his arms and running over his shoulders. The thing looked like it could eat him whole in three seconds flat! On the other hand, Luke had a mongoose in his hands, which was hissing and growling at Heinkel's Spitting Cobra. Yumiko had a cute, cuddly, albeit huge, panda serving as a chair for the schizophrenic nun. And last but not least, Enrico, whom had earlier boasted about being a grand ruler of the Catholic faith and said that he would have a great beast…had a black rat on his shoulder.

Before long, things began to take a turn for the worse as Heinkel and Luke got into an argument, which led to their animals getting into a full blown fight. Yumiko changed to Yumie and her panda started to attack everything in sight, and was only constrained by Jan's Boa. Meanwhile, Alucard's vampire bat scared the life out of Integra's elk and it kicked and whirled in an attempt to stop the little bloodsucker from leeching a meal. Anderson's hawk, while carrying the black rat, pecked and clawed at the bat and the elk both. Schrodinger's kitty, much like the cat boy, hid in the corner. Alhambra seemed to just disappear in a flurry of aces and wasn't seen for a great many hours after that.

The Major's manatee simply watched as Pip's dolphin went to look for another dolphin, and the sheepshead floated around aimlessly. Dok and his owl were simply trying not to get killed by the flurry of tails, claws, fangs, furry paws, horns, beaks, hooves, and saliva. And through all this, Hansa and Seras simply watched the chaos from the sidelines, their respective animals looking at each other in confusion. Hansa smirked.

"Glad we're not in that," she said.

"You and me both," Seras replied. They left the scene of chaos with their animals in tow, the two beasts looking back at the fight and then at each other. They both nodded.

"_Quite a ruckus to be had at a zoo,"_ Felicie commented.

"_Good thing we got out before we got dragged into it,"_ Halil replied, taking a few practice swings at the air. Felicie snapped her jaws at the emptiness. They both agreed that their masters were much smarter than everyone else for staying out of the fight. But, Seras, Hansa, Felicie, and Halil all mentally agreed that had they joined it, the fight would have been theirs, no questions asked.

* * *

Later that day, everyone was banned from every zoo on the planet…for life.


	12. The LAN Games

After the 'incident' at the zoo two days ago, everyone had been a little worried that something was going to break up the vacation and send them all back into being enemies. But after the Major had fallen asleep and hadn't woken up for over thirty six hours, they all doubted that they were going anywhere soon. And so, they all had proceeded to laze about for the past day, doing virtually nothing as they tried to think of something to do. Who knew that someone could get bored on a vacation?

Schrodinger sat on the floor and stared at the ceiling, silently letting Hansa and Seras both paint his toenails. Hansa had absolutely no inkling as to why Schrodinger was letting them do this, or why she even wanted to help Seras paint his toenails. But, seeing as there was this strange urge in the back of her mind telling her to do so, she had sat down and helped. She glanced up at Schrodinger's face, and saw that he had a blank stare in his eyes. Before long, a mass of black shadow appeared on the far wall and deposited a boxers-clothed Alucard onto the couch. He had his arms folded across his chest and an annoyed look on his face.

"Master?" Seras asked, almost surprised by his presence. Alucard simply grunted.

"Vhat happened?" Hansa questioned. Alucard thought briefly before replying coldly.

"Integra kicked me out, all because I peeped while she was taking a shower." Seras flushed bright red and Hansa shrugged. Typical Alucard to go overboard on a joke and get kicked out of his room. It wasn't one of the oddities that Hansa had seen on this vacation, not like that crazy animal fight back at the zoo. But still, Hansa liked this vacation. It wasn't all the boring, much unlike most of the things in her life, such as the Millennium South American headquarters, the army, plans, things of that nature. Sometimes it was just more pleasing to sit around and do what you wanted for a time. She liked it right now, relaxing, nothing to do…peaceful.

"VIDEO GAMES!" Schrodinger roared at the top of his teenage lungs. Everyone stared at him until he sat up, eyes wide with wonder, and looked back at Alucard.

"What?" the ancient vampire asked.

"We need video games!" the cat boy said, disappearing into nothingness. The remaining three looked at each other awkwardly until Schrodinger returned with four Xboxes and sixteen controllers. He disappeared once again, and then reappeared with five black boxes for Xbox Live. He then disappeared for a third time and returned with four copies of Halo3 and several two hundred ft. LAN cables. And after a few moments of staring at his unwired masterpiece, he turned to the other occupants of the room, a glint of insanity in his eyes that would have made the Major as proud as a real father. The cat boy disappeared for a fourth and final time, only to bring Dok back with him. He pointed at the pile of electronics and grinned like a madman. Dok looked at said pile of gaming material, and grinned much in the same way.

* * *

The next day, everything was set up in four adjacent rooms. Hansa and Seras's room was the base room and the internet router was duct taped to the ceiling, lights blinking and flashing as the four LAN cables ran from its cable ports to the Xboxes. Said white game boxes hummed in various low tones as electricity powered their cores. Various pieces and components whirred at set intervals as discs of Halo3 were read, currents lined up, visions displayed on the TV screens. The black boxes flashed tiny green lights and transmission frequencies were set for the same network. Controller lights flashed as they were set to their respective Xboxes. Truly, it was a masterpiece orchestrated by some genius…or by two madmen. Either way, it was a sight to behold.

"Vow, I can't believe Dok really just got us all free Xbox Live, all ze new Halo3 maps, und fully customizable Xbox Live icons. Und on top of all zat, you edited Bungie's game cap to thirty two. Vhat in ze hell are you?" Hansa asked, feeling a chill go up her spine. Dok smirked.

"A genius, now ve play Halo!" he announced, plopping down on the couch. Schrodinger and Seras picked up their own controllers. Hansa hesitated before picking up hers, knowing that once the game started, she was going to be hooked until she had won a hundred million times in a row. It had happened before…twice actually. Arms and fingers had been bitten off trying to get her (in her original male form) away from the Xbox.

"I'm going to Pip's room with Integra and Rip. Alhambra, Luke, Jan, and Yumie are in the next room. And across the hall are Anderson, Enrico, Heinkel, and Zorin. I suppose our teams are already set then," Alucard said, slipping beneath the floor and reappearing in the next room. And after everyone's profile had been customized, and everyone had joined Schrodinger's hosted game, they chose the map and set the rules for the game. Schrodinger chose Valhalla, and set the score to one hundred kills with no time limits and no switching teams. The four rooms divided into Red, Blue, Green, and Brown teams and the game started.

Hansa's vision focused entirely on her corner of the large screen as her Spartan appeared. Schrodinger's Brown Team spawned near the pelican and Hansa made a mad dash to the hill in the middle of the map, switching from her magnum to the battle rifle in secondary. Seras followed her, oddly experienced at the game to know where the man-cannons were going to let off their users. Hansa aimed and fired her battle rifle at Enrico, who had used the cliff-base's man-cannon. By the time he hit the ground, Seras had picked him off with her magnum. _Gained the lead!_ was stated on the TV. Hansa took her position on the top of the hill and fired down on Integra, who had used the sea-base's man-cannon with Alucard as backup.

Hansa got Integra's shield down and was then fired upon by both Integra and Alucard at the same time. She ducked behind a nearby boulder and tossed a frag. Integra's red corpse flew through the air and Alucard quickly backed away. Nearby, Schrodinger was in close-quarters combat with Anderson, who had picked up the shotgun near his base. Hansa saw blue plasma streaks tear up the dirt in front of her and switched out her magnum for a Spartan laser on the round. She aimed, waited, and downed Alhambra's batshee. She heard the card man curse from the other room.

The werewolf's shield went down in a second flat and she ducked. Someone was using the turret to her left.

"Kill ze fucker on ze turret, Schrodinger," Hansa barked. The cat boy growled back.

"I'm just now respawning. Anderson blew my brains out vit ze fucking shotgun."

"Got him, and his shotgun," Dok announced.

"Seras, can you get him?"

"Yeah, sur- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! I SO FUCKING DODGED!" the draculina roared back. Hansa turned to see the white vapor trail of a sniper that had apparently killed her comrade. Hansa turned and fired at the sniper. She heard Heinkel curse from her room and a grin spread across the werewolf's face as Schrodinger picked up the attack, closing in on the base. Dok, meanwhile, was creeping up on the base as well with his shotgun. Hansa was now getting annoyed that this idiot on the turret was still shooting at her. She crept over to her right and was immediately faced off by Pip and Alucard. A sniper trail whizzed by her head, signaling that Integra had taken the weapon from the sea-base.

Hansa fell back to the opposite side of the hill and tossed a plasma grenade, injuring both Pip and Alucard. She threw a frag and killed Pip, only to be taken out by Alucard a second later. She growled as the timer counted down to her respawn. When she returned to the battle, however, not even a second had passed before she was killed by a sniper shell to the temple. From the other room, she heard Integra yell.

"Booyah! Double headshot!" The werewolf growled again until she respawned, and then found herself and the cliff-base with Dok and a freshly killed Schrodinger. Zorin was Tee-bagging his corpse, apparently pissed off at her two deaths because of him. Hansa smacked her in the back with a magnum and dropped the green character. Hansa picked up her dual SMGs and moved onto the base's main platform. Dok killed Anderson in the lower level of the base, and Hansa quickly dropped Heinkel, who was trying to snipe someone across the map.

She traded out the SMGs for the sniper, reloaded, and scoped in. On the hilltop in the middle, she found Alucard and Seras doing battle, with Alhambra and Luke going for cleanup kills. She sniped Alucard and Luke with two headshots and Alhambra killed Seras. The Draculina growled and waited to respawn. Hansa missed the other two shots at Alhambra and the card man retreated over the crest of the hill, only to fly back over as a corpse when Enrico rammed him with a wraith tank. Hansa reloaded and sniped Anderson out of the wraith turret and Seras man-cannoned to the mid-center and lobbed her grenades. Enrico was soon boarded by Yumie, who killed him in his tank and was subsequently sniped by Hansa.

"Hansa, I've got your back, und Dok is at ze pelican. Keep sniping," Schrodinger stated as he smacked Pip's face in with the butt of his SMG. The Frenchman cursed in his own language and Integra seemed to have gotten another headshot. Hansa picked up the new sniper that spawned in the base and reloaded her empty gun. She returned to sniping as Schrodinger watched the rear of the base and the other two fought in the center, with sniper cover of course.

Soon enough though, the scores began to show the gaps in team coordination and skill. In the lead, Schrodinger's team had eighty two with Integra's team in a close second with seventy four and Alhambra's with sixty one. Anderson's team fought for third with a score of sixty. Hansa had died a few more times and was currently locked in a battle with Integra and Enrico over by the radio tower. Enrico was hiding behind the mongoose and Integra had taken up a position at the turret nearby. Hansa was hiding behind a boulder with Seras and Dok in the middle, the draculina with a battle rifle and pumping shells into both Hansa's current opponents. The werewolf tossed a frag at Enrico and killed him with the combined grenade and vehicle explosions. Integra fired at her with the turret she had ripped off, and Seras took her down after a few more shots.

"BULLSHIT! I KILLED THE WOLF!" Integra roared from the adjacent room. Hansa reloaded and turned around, heading through the rock corridor towards the sea-base. She fired at Jan, who immediately turned back and launched all eight missiles from his missile pod at her. She got killed by the fifth, and the last three killed Pip, who had just spawned.

"Double kill, bitch!" Jack yelled. Hansa respawned next to Schrodinger, and helped him get an overkill as they overlooked a battle between half of the Green and Blue teams. The cat boy roared with delight as his kill count went up. The game ended in the next few kills, after Seras had gotten a kill frenzy with the shotgun and the sniper on the center hill. Seras wrapped Schrodinger up in a tight bear hug and the cat boy nearly fainted, more out of lack of oxygen than anything else. After the final scores left the screen, everyone piled into the room for an argument more heated than the game.

"REAMATCH!"

"I SO GOT THAT LAST KILL!"

"I DODGED YOUR GRENADE!"

"CHEAP FIRST KILL HANSA!"

"I KILLED YOU SERAS!"

"NO WAY!"

"I SO FUCKING DID, I SHOT YOU WITH THE MISSILE POD!"

"I DODGED THE FUCKING ROCKETS AND SHOT YOU WITH MY SMGS!"

"WHAT THE HELL GUYS! YOU FUCKING SUCK!"

"LOOK WHO'S TALKING ENRICO, MR. LOWEST SCORE ON OUR TEAM!"

"FUCK OFF BUTCH LESBIAN!"

"I'MA KILL YOU FOR THAT ONE ALTER BOY!"

"QUIT FIGHTING!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP ANDERSON! NOBODY WANTS TO EHAR THAT PREACHER BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW!"

"VILE BLASPHEMY VAMPIRE! LET'S RUMBLE, AMEN!"

"BRING IT ON!"

"HEY, WATCH IT YOU TWO!"

"FUCK OFF YUMIKO!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

"DIE YOU FUCKING BITCH!"

"TAKE THAT, FUCK YOU ZORIN!"

"JAN, WHAT THE FUCK! I'LL CUT YOUR DICK OFF WITH MY SCYTHE!"

"TRY IT! SHIT, GET OUT OF THE WAY DOK!"

"COME ON, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE DOKTOR!"

"FUCK OFF, CRAZY BASTARD!"

* * *

And so ended the Halo3 LAN idea, at least for the time being. After everyone had gotten out all of their 'shits and giggles' they were back to Halo and yelling at each other with redoubled fury. And through all of the noisy racket and hubbub, the pudgy Major was fast asleep in his bed, weary from having to do all the work around this place. Hell, it had been his idea to do a vacation in the first place! He deserved a long-ass nap!


	13. Major's Nightmares I

_A/N: Well, It's about damn time I updated, eh? Read and review, hope ya like it.

* * *

_

It was the next night that everyone was worried, crowded in the Major's room with a ton of Dok's humming machinery and the mad scientist busily running form one to another to check readouts and other odd scripts printed out from them. Sweat beaded upon Dok's brow as he checked and rechecked the readouts. He then turned to the rest of the vacationers, a grave look upon his face.

"It seems that the Major, through lack of slaughter and bloodshed in his daily routine, has fallen into a dream lapse…a nightmare to him really. He's trapped in his alternate reality and will be unable to return to his normal consciousness until something is done about his overbearing subconscious fear that is controlling him."

"How do we do that?" Integra asked, leaning against the wall with a yawn.

"Well, over the past few hours, I have created several helmets that will allow you to sift through the Major's subconscious and find whatever is making his brain lapse into this current state. I have only three helmets, so only three of you will be able to go. And while in there, you will be unable to use any supernatural powers of any kind. Of course, that doesn't mean that your supernatural strength will be diminished, simply that there will be no shapeshifting, teleporting, or wolf-forming. So, Hansa, Seras, and Schrodinger will go into the Major's head and perform the task. Everyone else, we'll just have to give directions."

"So…what do we do once we're in, and what can we expect from…well, besides endless war? Anything we should be extra wary of, like nukes or something?" Seras asked with a shrug. Dok shook his head and let out a sad, regretful sigh.

"This is a _nightmare_. You'll understand once you're there," the mad scientist replied, all manner of German accent leaving his voice. He handed a helmet to Hansa, Seras, and Schrodinger. The odd trio put their helmets on and Dok flipped some switches on his machines. Lights flashed, fans whirred, buzzes of all manner and kind rang out. The mad scientist looked at the three and a mad grin appeared on his face as he grabbed a big lever on the glowing machine.

"Into ze pits of Hell you go!" he roared, slamming the lever down. Electricity flared and the helmets sparked. Everything went black for the three about to enter what may have been the most bizarre realm in the history of mankind…

* * *

Hansa awoke suddenly and sat bolt upright. Her head didn't hurt like she had expected it to, and her body felt fine. She stood up and scanned the area. In front of her were Schrodinger and Seras, both of them getting up off the ground groggily. Hansa wasn't at all expecting what was surrounding her, not in the slightest. Around her was a field of…cotton candy?! She furrowed her brow and found that the trees were not made of wood, but of chocolate. The road was made of gigantic slabs of what looked to be lemon drops. Schrodinger sniffed the air and his eyes went wide.

"It's…it's all candy…" he stammered bluntly. Seras looked around in wonder. Hansa shrugged. This was Major's _nightmare_ after all. Most people would think that this was paradise if they were sane. The Major however, was the furthest thing from sane. Hansa saw a city not but a mile away or so, and there were three little dots coming up the road. The werewolf knew that this would be the welcoming party…or whatever the hell was going to greet them. The Major's nightmare could really produce any manner of _good_ thing possible. Perhaps they would be chocolate bunnies? Hansa brought Schrodinger out of his daze with a kick to the face and dragged him down the candy road.

When they met up with the welcoming party, Hansa was rather surprised to find that it wasn't any sort of candy person that she had expected. In fact, she knew one of the people that had come to greet them. One of them was Hansa…in her original form. Hans stood before the three newcomers, decked out in full uniform and with his Mauser C96 on his belt. He wore gloves and his hat was pulled down to his eyes. His face was covered by the high collar of an MG42 greatcoat, and he wore steel-toed combat boots as well.

The person to Hans' right was a teenage girl, who looked oddly like Schrodinger. She had purple hair that was only about shoulder length, and put into two pigtails. She smiled brightly at the three newcomers and Schrodinger gawked at her. True, she was pretty, but she was only a girl, and there was no way that Schrodinger could be more attracted to her than Hansa or Seras because they were matured, well-blessed women. The girl wore a pink tank top and a short, black skirt complimented by red and white striped thigh-high stockings. She smiled broadly at Schrodinger.

The second person was a man, a little taller than Seras and with shoulders as broad as wagon. His entire body was built like a freight train, stocky and muscled. He had a barrel chest the size of an ale keg, which was remarkable. His had a big beard, bushy and dark brown. He had happy blue eyes and wore something that one would see on a lumberjack: checkered shirt, big leather boots, overalls, even the worker's gloves to match. He had a grin on his face, and he seemed the jolly type, like Santa Clause with a different beard and…less fat.

"Hello there friends!" said the barrel-chested man in a jovial tone, arms out as wide as they could be stretched.

"Yes, it's always good to have…_cute_ guests to our lovely city," said the girl, eying Schrodinger with a low purr. Everyone looked at Hans to say something, but he narrowed his eyes at them. Only Hansa didn't back down. If this really was her former self, then he wasn't going to do anything, at least not unless he had been ordered to. Hans stared at Hansa impassively for a few moments before the jovial fellow sensed the tension rising. Matriarch verses Patriarch. Neither was going to back down, not here anyway.

"Well then, I'm sure we'd all like to get to know each other! My name is Keras, and this is Schradinger. This is-"

"Hans, and I know him very well," said Hansa, putting a finger to her counterpart's chest.

"…!" Of course, there would be no reaction from her former self. Both of the others noticed the pressing tension between the two.

"Well…we should get going! I'm very sure that you all are eager to see Berlin, so let us go!" Keras said. He took Seras' hand and swung her onto his broad shoulders. The poor vampire wrapped her arms around his thick neck and giggled. It was like watching a father carry his daughter on his back. Both of them were laughing in a few seconds, and they seemed to be hitting it off well. Schrodinger on the other hand…

There couldn't have been a happier cat-boy in the entire universe. He and his new friend were hitting it off perfectly. In fact, Schradinger was all over him. They were playing tonsil hockey, and they looked like they could play the game through overtime. Schrodinger's ears perked up when his counterpart reached into his shirt and ripped it open. Buttons popped off and Schrodinger let out a satisfied purr. He looked like a love-struck schoolboy, and he would have been had he not already been employed as a messenger for an insane Nazi officer. Hansa looked up at Hans and the werewolf looked down with a look of weariness on his face. The look in his eyes lightened.

"_I can't keep up vit dis any langer,"_ Hansa heard in her head. She furrowed her brow.

"You…?"

"_Ja. Vit ozer verevolves."_ Hans snatched Hansa up into his arms and turned on heel to follow the others. Berlin loomed in the distance like a bastion of blasphemy and _un-_despoiled ginger bread and cupcakes and cake icing. Hansa was vaguely reminded of candyland…and this was a very evil, demented candyland. Hansa let out a frustrated sigh and resigned herself to be carried back to Berlin. This was not the broken World War II city she knew, and she didn't want any part of it. She could only imagine what the Reichstag looked like. Some fucking gingerbread house more likely than not.

And upon arrival, Hansa let out a deep, frustrated groan. Indeed, this was like a demented candyland. All the people were made out of gingerbread, and they all looked happy and jolly. All the houses were covered with chocolate paint and cake icing. The cars were made of hard candy and all the street signs were lollipops. Hansa cursed under her breath as she saw a dog made of ice cream run by. Keras set down the fledgling vampire on his back and whistled sharply. All the gingerbread people turned and stood at attention.

"These are our welcomed guests! Please make sure they are made comfortable while they stay here!" he bellowed with a laugh. The gingerbread people erupted into a chorus of chants and cheering at their visitors. Schrodinger looked at his new friend and she kissed him on the tip of the nose.

"It's alright, you can bite…and you can bite things other than me as well," Schradinger teased with a giggle. Schrodinger's eyes went as wide as dinner plates and he leapt upon a street sign, munching on it as if it were commonplace to eat street ornaments. Seras timidly broke a piece off a house and ate it. She squealed with delight.

"It's just like how my mum used to make it! Oh, jolly good!" she said in a thick British accent. Hansa snorted and kicked the legs off the nearest gingerbread man. The creature made no move other than to smile and try to hand his severed limb to her. Raspberry jelly leaked from the limb and Hansa slapped it aside with a low growl.

"Get zis crap out of my face. Ver ist die Major? Anyvon? Tell me vhere he is!" she ordered. All of the gingerbread people pointed to a building at the center of a large square. Hansa realized that the building was made out of actual stone, and a flag was hung from its large roof. It was the flag that had hung there pre-Russian invasion. It was the Major's flag.

"Up there, the Major rules this land from his great throne," one of the gingerbread people said happily. Hansa punched the small thing's head off. Hans grabbed her wrist and shook his head slowly. The other four "real" people were enjoying themselves immensely, laughing and munching on candy and chocolate and sweets of all kinds. Schrodinger had a huge stack of marshmallows, chocolates, and gram crackers in his arms. Schradinger took them and mysteriously made a stack of smores that the cat-boy pounced on hungrily.

"_Really? Is he alvays zat hungry?"_ asked Hans as he watched the cat-boy greedily munch on his sugary delights. Schradinger watched silently, smiling at her counterpart as he ate and thanked her and told her that there would many more kisses for her once he was through eating. Sera son the other hand, was to busy laughing at jokes and old stories to eat very fast. Keras seemed like the father she never had, and he was the perfect match for her. If one didn't know them, they would think the two had always been family and were catching up with each other again. Hansa looked up at Hans. The two seemed so alien to each other.

"You don't like me, do you?" asked Hansa. Hans shrugged.

"_I like you plenty. Ze fact zat you are here means zat ve should get along. But you know better zen to fall into zat trap, and so do I,"_ he replied with a slight grin. Hansa saw it now, that sense of loyalty and commitment that she hadn't realized was there in a long time. She saw her old sense of pride there too. Hans was the different one here, Hans was the victim of a messed up world. Hans was all alone again.

"Good zen. Ve have our priorities straight, so let's get going. To ze Reichstag?"

"_Ja, mein Kapitan,"_ replied the werewolf as he transformed into his true self and Hansa clambered up to his neck. They bounded off towards the stone building with the other four far behind them. She knew that some tings never changed. Hans would always be Hans.


	14. Major's Nightmares II

_A/N: After a long wait, I give you the next chapter and the finish of the adventure inside of the Major's head. Of course, the vacation goes on though. What kind of author would I be if I stopped here?! Still, I'm sorry about the long wait. Thanks to anyone to kept with it up to here. I know I'm an asshole, so read the chapter and give me a review! _

* * *

Inside the Reichstag, it was a very different story that was from the outside. At first glance, Hansa had thought that the place might be normal due to the outside being as it was in the real world. And she couldn't have been more wrong if she had tried. The entire place was furnished with chocolate furniture, lickerish drapes, paintings made of hard candy, pillars of candy canes, and a fountain of chocolate in the very center. All about, there were friendly butlers and servants lined up in neat rows for their guests. Every single last one of them was made of gingerbread. But these weren't your ordinary human-esk gingerbread people. No, these were actual people, with real features, depth, emotions…except for the fact that they were made of tasty bread.

Hansa refused to eat anything here, and she had good reason not to want to. Schrodinger was busily kissing and groping his near twin and Seras was happily laughing and conversing with her own friend. It had gotten worse since they had eaten the sweets, and they looked almost delusional. Hansa thought that it was the food, and so she hadn't eaten anything at all. Hans on the other hand, had nothing to fear because he was part of this world,a dn was therefore not affected by anything dangerous to outsiders within it. He was biting into a bar of chocolate that looked like something one would find in a box of field rations, just another commodity.

The guests found themselves in front of a huge double staircase that rose to the second storey. At the top of the staircase was an odd assortment of characters. There was Dok's opposite, and woman who was clad in a thick and frilly coat. She was thin, shapely, and looked like a prissy noble. Jan and Luke's opposites were odd, two girls that hugged each other and each wearing a white and black striped dress. They looked like sisters, and this time, Luke's had the piercings.

Enrico's opposite looked like Zorin did in real life, strong, butch and domineering. Anderson's was a short woman with a bright smile and a Satanist cross hanging from her neck. Heinkel and Yumie's were both timid men, shy and hiding behind Anderson's counterpart. Rip's held a short pistol and had a weasel look to him. The pistol was made out of candy cane. Pip's had short hair and a remarkably flat chest for a woman. She looked rather tired though, almost asleep.

Alucard's was the vampire's Girly-Card form, and that was that, no questions asked. Integra's was a rather large individual with a hyperactive disposition and a stick of taffy clutched in one hand. He had a goofy grin written all over his face. Alhambra's looked like a little angel, in a white dress and with bright red lipstick on. Zorin's was the most surprising of all: a beautiful girl with soft eyes and a happy look on her face. She smiled down at the guests and waved happily with one hand.

"Hello there, honored guests. Welcome to the Reichstag."

"Everyone, let's get something to eat! I'm starving!" bellowed Keras as he waved one big arm for the others to follow him up the staircase.

"But you ate on the way here," Seras scolded. Her counterpart burst into laughter.

"That doesn't mean I'm not hungry! Come now, let's eat!" he exclaimed, causing Seras to giggle. They made their way up and were greeted by all the rest of the imaginary look-alikes. Hansa and Hans were completely silent, and the two made their way past the mob of happy-go-lucky imaginary and non-imaginary beings. As soon as they walked past though, everyone else swarmed around them. Hansa growled for Girly-Card to get away, and then the vampire failed to do so, Hansa smashed a fist against the girl's face.

Unfortunately, it didn't seem to have any effect on the girl, and she simply smiled back as if nothing had happened. But the look in her eyes…it, it changed. For the briefest of moments, it had changed. Hansa narrowed her eyes and then turned to Dok, who was busy telling Seras about how this world had been transformed into something fun and beautiful by all of those present and how the Major was enjoying it so much. So enveloped into this world was Seras, that she failed to even realize that the Major was why she was here in the first place!

Hansa was forced to follow the strange and giddy procession down a few hallways and then into a massive room filled with all manner of sugary delight and treat and tasty snack. Hana face-palmed as Seras Schrodigner dove into the sweets. Hansa was told that she should go and enjoy herself, but she growled at any of the happy-go-lucky freaks that tried to get near her. Hans stood by silently, glancing around the room. Hansa too, was looking for the Major. He had to be here somewhere, trapped in a cage most likely. There was no way in heaven or hell he was enjoying any second of this crap.

Hansa watched her companions falling further into the trap, all the while waiting for the Major to arrive. But when Schrodinger began kissing all over Schradinger's body, and began to pull the pink tanktop from her body, Hansa had to do something.

"Vhen is ze Major getting here?" she asked. Anderson's opposite smiled at Hansa.

"You want to see our wonderful benefactor?" she asked with an all-to-perky tone to her voice. Hansa nodded and the short woman scampered off to the podium. She turned on a microphone and tapped it. Everyone looked up to the woman and she beamed proudly.

"Oh Major, it's time to see your new friends!" she exclaimed. And from the floor, there arose a large cylinder filled with green liquid. Inside of it however, there was a short, pudgy Nazi officer that Hansa immediately recognized. She ripped Hans' pistol from its holster and blasted apart the glass that held the dormant Major. Hans nodded and sprinted forward to catch the Major before he hit the ground. With a save worthy of an NFL football player, Hans caught the heavy man and laid him out on a clean section of the marble floor. The major coughed up green liquid and Hans tried to shake him gently awake. And then the Major said something he shouldn't have.

"Get off of me. Go fuck yourself." The Major coughed on the ground a while longer.

Meanwhile, Hans went ramrod straight and froze. He stood there for a few moments, his entire body unmoving at all. The other opposites stared at him with mixed expressions. Eventually, Hans turned around and strode back over to Hansa, pulling her into his arms and carrying her away bridal style. Hans struggled against her counterpart, and realized that her original form was much stronger than her current one. Hans' iron grip kept her still until he nudged open a door and kicked it shut behind him. He deposited Hans on her feet.

The she-wolf, now not trying to get out of Hans' arms, had time to look around for a moment. And when she did, horror filled her eyes. She was in a bedroom! Hans had taken the Major's command in a literal sense! They were technically the same person, to Hans was…about…to…

The werewolf began to strip off his clothes, first his greatcoat and then his boots and socks. Hansa looked for a way out, but could only see the door as an exit. In desperation, she tried to remove the wall with Hans' pistol, but it didn't work. The lead projectiles flattened themselves against the marble and left not even a scratch. Hansa punched the wall, only to have her knuckles badly hurt and bruised. She waved her hand around in a vain effort to disperse the pain, and then Hans grabbed her hand.

Hansa watched as her former self gently lifter her bruised hand to his mouth and stuck three of her fingers into his mouth. Hansa felt something within her body begin to stir. Hans sucked on her fingers, gently massaging away the pain with his tongue. Hansa flushed madly red and he let go, continuing to remove his clothing. And in a few moments, he was down to his boxers. He then began with Hansa's clothes. In a short while, after a bit of struggling, they were both down to their undergarments.

"Stop! Hans…me…vhatever ze hell you vant to be called! Stop! We have to help ze Major!" Hansa roared. Hans was entirely silent, and instead of replying, picked her up and gently deposited Hansa onto the bed. Hans crawled onto it, looming over the she-wolf like a predator over its fallen, pathetic prey. Hansa couldn't stop him, nor could she even convince him to stop. His toned, muscled body made the pit of her stomach feel strange. His face was handsome, and his eyes were sad. She…she couldn't barely lift a finger to him in this state. Hansa felt ashamed for being aroused by him. She was about to be fucked by herself for God's sake!

Hans slipped a hand beneath her head and pulled her body to his. Hansa pushed her forearm against his neck, but it did nothing to stop him. His adam's apple didn't even budge under the pressure, and he forced her head against his, a soft growl running up his throat. Hansa found herself pulled into a rough kiss and she bit his tongue with her canines, drawing blood. Hans didn't stop, nor was he phased at all. Hansa whimpered.

"HANS! GET IN HERE NOW!" shouted a voice so loud that the entire building shook. Both werewolves threw each other off and Hans drew his pistol, running out the door. Hansa wasn't as quick to follow, trying to regain her sense of, well…everything. She held the door for support until her head was in the right place, and then made her way down the hallway and into the room where everyone else was. She was shocked at what she saw happening in there.

Everything was a mess. The Major was standing on a podium and swinging his fists at Alucard, who was trying to get him down like he was a baby misbehaving in the kitchen on top of a cabinet. The others were all on the ground, either knocked unconscious by a thrown bench, or trying to recover from the apparent upholstery of furniture. It looked at if the Major had been fighting to save his own skin. And now he had his most loyal captain here to even up the odds. It was strange for Hansa to see her former self in action like this. From what she had seen, it wasn't going to be a very long-lasting fight for the others. Hans was all flesh and blood. They were gingerbread and jelly. Hansa walked up upon the scene as Hans closed with Zorin's counterpart.

"Kapitan! You're just in time to-" Three bullets ripped her jaw apart, and reddish jelly spewed from the wound. Zorin's face crumpled like gingerbread. She arched a brown and then swung her fist. Hansa was horrified by what happened next.

Hans' cheek split and jelly came out of the wound. He stopped, fired at Zorin again, and blew her arms off. She kicked him, and his ribs broke like candycanes. He stumbled, but managed to turn Zorin into a pile of mush with several kicks and bullets to the head. Hansa strode up beside her counterpart and put a hand on his shoulder. He leveled the muzzle of his pistol against her forehead and she winked.

"Not ze right time to be shooting your friends," Hansa teased. Hans nodded and continued on to the Major. Something had happened to this place now, something very odd. Sooth covered parts of the floor, and a flickering flame had appeared over one of the benches. Other places looked slightly damaged, others blackened like charcoal. It was all so confusing, up until Alhambra's counterpart roared to the others.

"He's breaking through it! Hurry, stop them! Do anything, just stop the gun!" A whirlwind of cards surrounded him and they shot out in all directions, plastering the blackened and damaged parts of the building with new, clean covers. Hansa grinned. She realized what was going on. This was the dandy-man's illusion. Violence must be the key to all of this!

She walked over to one of the benches and ripped it to pieces, grabbing a huge beam from its wreckage. She called over Schrodinger and his 'girlfriend' as well. They smiled at Hansa, and she smacked their heads clean off with one fell swoop. Something like a bombshell rang out and the ceiling fell in near the entryway. Hans saw the sky, darkening with clouds as she swung again at the catboy and catgirl. Raspberry jelly and red blood splattered all over the floor and Hansa roared with delight. The walls darkened with soot, and ashes rained from the hole in the ceiling.

She walked over to Hans and ripped the pistol from his grasp. She fired at Alucard, and scored hits all up the vamp's feminine spine.

The Major's eyes went wide as red jelly splattered all over his uniform. But it didn't run in clumps like jelly. The Major looked Hansa in the eyes and wiped actual, real, irony, red, thick _blood_ from his glasses. He raised his hand to the air and a halo of light surrounded him, followed by falling bricks and framework from above. The pudgy officer Raised both of his hands to the burning heavens and let out a cry that would have shamed a Norse Berserker for bloodlust and rage.

"Mein welt leben in krieg!" (_My world lives in war)_

"For ze Major!" Hansa yelled, blasting off one of Alucard's arms. The Major lowered his arms and a glint of battle lust came to his eyes. He pointed toward the blocked door and waved his hand as if commanding others to follow him.

"Forvard! Ze battle avaits us!" he snarled. Out of the doorway behind him poured troops, wermacht, SS troops, North Afrika divisions, and even a panzer tank burst through the wood and stone. Planes flew overhead and bombs exploded all over the poor city of Berlin. A general strode forward out of the mass of yelling soldiers, someone that even Hansa couldn't mistake. Erwin Rommel walked up to the Major and the pudgy officer leapt down from the podium, shaking the tank commander's hand with a bloodied glove. Rommel looked less than pleased.

The Major told him of the crisis that had overtaken the city in their absence, and Rommel nodded, muttering something about needing more tanks. Hansa realized then that she and the others had guns pointed at them. Hans glared daggers at the MG42 team trying to make cow in fear like the others, who were being blown to bits at the Major's command. Both officers looked at the werewolf as he ripped his fellow soldiers in half and took their heavy weapon. The Major pointed at him.

"Get him clothes. And her…it's time for her to leave vit her friends," he said. Troops dragged an unconscious Seras and a dazed Schrodinger over to Hansa and a firing line was spread out before them. Hansa looked worried, but the Major strode up to the three with a wide smirk. Hansa saw his hand reach up to her, and she shook it.

"Danke for ze help. Now allow me to get back to business. I have a vorld to take over, und I need my full attention on the newly-opened front," he said, turning to leave. The last thing Hansa saw was Hans nodding to her and the flash of a dozen guns in her face.

* * *

Hansa snapped awake in the real world and threw off her helmet, head aching and body sore. She shook the feeling from her head and looked up at the faces awaiting her. Alucard smirked and Dok blinked hard, as if trying to discern whether or not he was seeing something real of a hallucination. Integra's face flushed red. Hansa furrowed her brow.

"…?" was all she could say. Wait…_say?_ Nobody said '…' because it wasn't a word or phrase. Hansa was confused. The only reason she would have said that would be-

"YOU'RE NOT A GIRL ANYMORE?!" yelled a familiar catboy into Hansa's ear. She looked down, and her face flushed madly red.

Hansa was sitting in a torn mess of clothes that didn't fit anymore…and entirely naked. She also had her original body, the male one.


	15. The Maul

_A/N: Hey! I got two updates in one night! Didn't expect that, did ya?_

* * *

After a long rest and a mountain of food in the lobby, Hans was Hans again. His stomach growled fiercely as he fried up bacon on the stove of his and Seras' room. Since nothing of his had fit here, Schrodinger had brought him one of his greatcoats, a pair of combat pants, boots, socks, and his hat. Of course, still used to being a girl, he was only wearing the bare minimum when he wasn't outside. Seras was behind him, cooking up a Hans-worthy breakfast of five omelets, eighteen pancakes, and one can of cat nip for Schrodinger. Hans grinned.

It was good to have his body back. He flexed his arms for the hundredth time to see if they were truly back to normal. The hand of the skillet shrieked in protest and he bent it back into place. Yeah, he was back to normal. His bacon was soon finished and he slid everything onto a nearby empty plate. He turned around and set the plate down next to Seras. She piled on four omelets and three pancakes. Hans grabbed a bottle of syrup and drowned everything in the sweet stuff. He grabbed a fork and knife, waiting for Seras to set her things down and for Schrodinger to teleport into the room for his own snack.

Everything was ready and Hans tore into his food like a starved beast. Even though he had eaten this morning, he was still hungry as hell. It had only been three hours since his meager breakfast of twenty muffins and three bagels with cream cheese! No way that was going to hold him over until tonight! Seras giggled as an enormous lump formed in Hans' throat from the food he had shoveled in without chewing.

"Be careful Hans, you'll choke yourself if you're not careful," she teased, munching on her own omelet. Hans winked and grabbed an omelet with his bare hand. He opened his mouth and shoved the yellow, bacon-cheese-onion-and-sausage-filled thing into his mouth, swallowing it without chewing or even biting down. Schrodinger smirked.

"Been practicing that deep throat stuff, huh Kapitan?"

"…" Hans rammed his fork into the catboy's forehead and pulled another one out of the drawer across the countertop. Schrodinger blinked in confusion and then reached up tentatively to feel what had happened. He gave Hans a sour look when he realized what it was that had been rammed into his head while covered in syrup.

"Oh, real funny Kapitan. Zo funny I forgot how to do math!" he yelled. Hans flicked the fork and Schrodinger's eyes went blank. He fell back out of his chair and hit the floor, out cold. Hans chuckled silently and continued with what was left of his food. Seras was silent the rest of the meal, and only moved away from her food when she needed more blood packets to smother it with, and to see if Schrodinger was actually dead or not. Hans licked his plate when he was done, and his face and hair were covered with syrup when he was done. Nothing that a quick minute with his ehad in the sink couldn't fix.

After a quick fix and a bit of cleaning, Hans removed the fork from Schrodinger's head and brought the boy to his feet. Schrodinger looked dazed and confused, almost as if it had done some real damage to him. But after a bit of shaking and more catnip, he was busy suggesting things for them to do on their glorious vacation. One of the suggestions caught Seras by surprise.

"The mall? Hmmm…that sounds like fun. How about it Hans? You need some clothes besides that big coat and uniform. Let's get everyone together and go," she said. Hans nodded and they gathered everyone up to go, which was a rather pressing challenge because everyone was fighting…again. And after a good long agreement _not_ to destroy every last store in the mall, they were off via teleportation.

* * *

At the mall entrance, everyone checked the big map sign that held the layout of the enormous building and marked their routes. Alucard lurked on the floor as a black slipstream behind Integra as she went off to find some antique store with Anderson in tow. Enrico was off in a direction that nobody cared about. The Major was headed directly for the gun cage, and Dok to the book store with Schrodinger. Heinkel was with the Major, though for the reason of buying a new pistol for the one she had beaten Pip half to death with. Pip was out for the video store for obvious reasons.

Luke, Jan, and Yumei were off to the lingerie section, thought Jan was far behind, lurking just out of the crazed nun's reach. Alhambra disappeared, saying something about giving the poor boy at the magic store a hard time with his chameleon. (which eh had stolen from the zoo) Zorin and Rip went to the food court, where the Major was planning to be for most of the afternoon after talking guns and world domination with the gun store and Seras headed to the clothing section of the huge store.

Alucard followed his master silently, keeping pace easily as he slithered along the floor as a pencil-thin shadow. He could have followed her via normal walking, but what fun would that be? Anderson would be trying to stab him to death and his master would make him do all the work. Instead, Anderson could carry everything. And besides, what good would it be to have two large, intimidating men following a single woman? That would draw a little too much attention.

But with a look to Anderson and then the people around him, Alucard let out a silent sigh. Everyone was looking at his enormity, and his odd choice of clothing. He hadn't even cared to change out of his normal attire of priest vestments. He was getting a lot of odd looks. So much for drawing too much attention. Having the both of them walking beside Integra would just be awkward!

Further into the mall, Integra reached the antique store and began examining the items for sale. Alucard shifted into doggy-card and sat down next to Anderson, only two eyes open. The priest didn't seem to notice as he eyed a Celtic coat of arms, the words on it written Gaelic. He grinned widely and rubbed his poorly-shaven jaw. One of the store clerks walked over and frowned as he glanced at Alucard in Baskerville form.

"Sir, no pets allowed in the store. Please leave," the clerk said.

"Eh?" said Anderson, turning around to find Baskerville panting happily. The priest did not look amused.

"Please remove yourselves from this store. You'd have to pay for anything he breaks," the clerk snapped. Anderson narrowed his eyes.

"Y' mangy mutt. I'da never thought y'd do somethin' so underhanded. Integra, yer mutt's out of his cage again," Anderson said. Integra's head whipped around and she glared at Baskerville. Baskerville felt himself being pulled off the floor by the scruff of his neck and turned to see Anderson holding his large bulk with a single hand.

"Alucard, I swear to God, one more time," Integra threatened.

"You'll what?" Baskerville asked, baring a mouthful of long fangs and opening all six eyes at once. The store clerk screamed, the elderly customers screamed, Integra screamed with frustration, Anderson chuckled. Baskerville, knowing that there would be trouble, warped himself out of Anderson's grip and bolted out the door, skidding across the floor outside as his long black tongue lolled out. This was going to be fun! Terror had always been his best form of self-defense. And nothing said terror more than a six-eyed demon dog running around a crowded mall!

* * *

Meanwhile, Zorin and Rip were busy eating at the food court. Not much two vampire could eat, but there was still some good sushi and other raw food waiting for them. Zorin busily shoveled nearly three pounds of sushi into her mouth while Rip wolfed down a huge cheeseburger that had barely been cooked. _Thank McDonald's for making vampire food on accident_, thought the sharpshooter. Zorin tilted her head to the side and swalled everything in her mouth.

"Vhat do you zink real food tastes like?" she asked. Well this was a nice surprise! Zorin never had anything intelligent to say up until now.

'I don't know. Ze Kapitan enjoyed it, zo it must taste good, right?"

"Ha! Funny, zat volf could eat steel and like it if it were in a bowl," Zorin snorted.

"Zat's not fair to him. Don't be zo mean to ze Kapitan. He's saved your bacon plenty of times," Rip said, trying to defend the absent werewolf's name from Zorin. Again, Zorin snorted.

"He's also eaten my bacon too. He eats everyzing! He steals my food vhen I get up to get somezing. He goes for late-night snacks every day!"

"Schrodinger steals your food!" Rip corrected. Zorin ate more sushi and then sighed.

"Zis stuff costs a fortune," she muttered. Rip shrugged.

"You should have gotten a burger like me."

"Yeah, und get zunder zighs like you?" she barked. Rip flushed red with anger.

"I'm skinnier zan you Zorin! Und you look like a butch lesbian, who cares how fat you are?"

"Vell you look like a black-haired ginger kid!" Zorin hissed in return.

"You're both fucking stupid, get over yourselves," said a voice from the next table. Rip turned around and saw that it was a teenager about sixteen years of age. He was pale and his hair was black with two white streaks through it. He wore all back and had a chain hooked on his pants. This was the average American Emo kid. Rip frowned.

"You're emo, go cut yourself, freak," she growled. The teen shrugged.

"I'm planning on it tonight. Oh, and you should try it too. You really need to pretty up that ugly face of hers with some scars," he said, nodding to Zorin. The butch vampire lost it.

"VHAT DID YOU SAY?! GET OVER HERE UND SAY ZAT AGAIN!" she roared, picking up a table and throwing the round part away to leave four interconnected legs. The emo's eyes went wide. He almost flipped out of his chair and bolted away. Zorin gave chase, and swung the makeshift mace in her hand. But before the strike could hit, a huge black dog barreled into her and licked her face with a gigantic black tongue, leaving maggots and blood all over her. The dog began running again and Zorin wiped her face with one hand.

"Zorin…" Rip said, trying to wanr her friend about the danger of going berserk in a public area.

"DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!" (_YOU WILL NEED A NURSE_)

And with that, Zorin chased after Baskerville with an enraged look in her eyes. Rip could only hope that her friend wasn't going to get a baseball bat to the head or something else unfortunate. With a shrug, she returned to her food and grabbed a sushi roll from Zorin's plate. What did she care? Rip was hungry, and now she had twice as much food.

* * *

At the book store, Dok was reading up on his current physics formulas and theories for the Large Hadron Collider's recent success. There were a few dozen other science magazines and physics books opened to certain pages. Dok was taking notes with vigorous abandon, working his bony fingers to their limits as he flipped paged with a servo-arm from inside his coat, and wrote in two notebooks with both hands. Strangely enough though, a certain 'Governor Schwarzenegger ' came up in his notes a few times, and there was a discarded periodical about the governor lying nearby.

Elsewhere in the bookstore, Schrodinger was busy reading the second book in a Warhammer 40k series. Surprisingly enough, Schrodinger was able to read so fast that he had finished a two hundred and thirty page book in just under an hour, and was busy with another one. He hummed happily to himself as the lead Chaos Space Marine, names Luruk the Ripper, was busy slaying Dark Eldar and slaves alike with a chainaxe, trying to find the way out of a dark tower that was going to bring a warp gate to life after enough blood was spilled. Schrodinger found it all fascinating.

The first book had entailed the collection of certain items and skulls, like the skull and staff of Librarian Jeremiahs Reloc of the Blood Angels, a psyker who had succumbed to the Red Thirst and been locked in a tower in an attempt to have him healed, or at least brought back to sanity. Luruk had been sent via portal to the insane librarian's cell, slain him, and left with the skull and staff in hand. The second item had been located in the Eye of Terror, and Luruk had fought his way through a horde of Slaaneshi cult daemons to get it out of the hands of a greater daemon on a pleasure world.

Various other things had happened, and Schrodinger was entirely enveloped in his book. Luruk and his champions were fighting their way down a wide stairwell with Dark Eldar coming in from all around them, and warp beasts clambering up the stairs. Schrodinger heard a crash and looked up from his book, finding a large canine-like creature with spines and many eyes running at him. He screamed in terror and threw his book aside.

"NO! VARP BEAST, STAY AVAY!" He ran, and so did Dok when Baskerville rounded the corner of the book shelves and scattered all his books and magazines and various other things. Dok let out a small yawn and Zorin ran past him, a strange bludgeoning object in her hand. The mad scientist shrugged. It was time to get some sleep when he got back to the hotel.

* * *

In the dressing room of a clothing store Hans didn't know the name of, the werewolf was busy putting on various things Seras had picked out for him. There were a few shirts, some pants, shorts, muscle shirts, and a few pairs of swim trunks. Seras tapped on the door and Hans opened it. His eyes went wide when he saw Seras in a blue, flowery bikini that looked like it could come off her body at any moment. She smiled guiltily and a red flush came to her cheeks.

"I thought since I put you through all that…I would get something too. Does…does it look good?" she asked nervously. Hans nodded. Seras smiled and returned to the changing stall to get back into her casual clothes. Hans blinked in confusion. Has he really just seen that? _Wow…curvy_, he thought. Seras poked her head out of the stall and giggled.

"I didn't get to see much of you in that. Turn around," she said. Hans did so and immediately regretted it. Seras gasped.

"You have a tattoo!"

"…!" Hans turned around and slapped his hand over her mouth. He held a finger to his lips to signal silence. Just as Seras was mumbling something, Hans was literally thrown off his feet and slammed into the ground by a black mass of shadows and paws. He blinked in confusion as a big, six-eyed, mangy dog panted on top of him. It barked happily, and Hans furrowed his brow.

"It's me," Baskerville said after a moment. Hans gave him a look that said, 'I know' and grabbed Baskerville by the scruff of his neck. The dog shapeshifted out of Hans' fingers, but the werewolf roped his hand around Baskerville's neck and held him in the air. The dog barked again, and Zorin entered the dressing room, bent and twisted measure of metal in her hand. She looked like a Norse berserker.

"Give me ze damned dog," the snarled. Hans and Baskerville looked at each other. I'm not going to lie here. There is an unspoken, mutual bond between all canine and lupine animals. And there's no difference when they can turn into humans. So with that said, Hans threw Baskerville at Zorin and rushed the butch she-vamp. He shouldered her back and Baskerville finished the job with a bit of shapeshifting and raw power.

Everyone was now being either chased by Alucard, or by security, so they paid for everything bought, gathered up their strange collections of junk, and headed for Schrodinger. He promptly teleported them back to the hotel as security officers and small vehicles were heading their way. Luckily for everyone who got home, the catboy had thought ahead and gotten a bit of extra snackage for the vacationers. And by a bit of extra snackage, Schrodinger had taken the contents of half a candy store and brought it back to the hotel.

* * *

Later that day, the Major got a call from Governor Schwarzenegger demanding, in broken English and Schwarzenegger-ian, (yeah, that's a language) why California was blaming him for possibly harboring terrorists…


	16. Quit Beaching

Early the next morning, to celebrate the revival of the Major without ruining anyone else's great time, they went to the only place that they couldn't destroy: the beach. Yes, the beach. It had been nearly a week since they had laid out lazily on the beach, so they decided to do just that. Hell, you didn't have to pay for gas when you could walk to the damned place! The large group set themselves up across the beach. Their groups couldn't have been more at ease, considering the fact that they had chosen well who to sit with.

Alhambra saw sitting at a custom card table he'd 'magically' brought with several decks of cards via magic teleport-y card tricks. He also had aight chairs to fit the octagonal table, and poker chips. Rip and Zorin were with him, and they played an idle game for a while. It wasn't until later that they would eventually successfully scam several hundred dollars off of a few suckered-in chumps.

Another group was made up of Anderson, Jan, Luke and Yumie. Yumie pawed all over her vampiric lover as his hands were bound behind his back and a scantily-clad, schizophrenic, lovestruck, Catholic nun straddled his hips and whispered sweet nothings into his ears. Anderson finally got to relax without his uniform on, and even Alucard had admitted that the man was healthy. He looked as fit as the friggin' governor of California! He also had a rather embarrassing tattoo of him, Yumiko, and Heinkel holding up blades (and pistols) as the Three Musketeers over his heart. Jan was scanning the beach for a lovely young woman to toy around with.

And though one wouldn't believe it, Heinkel and Schrodinger were getting along nicely. The priestess had admitted that Schrodinger was a pest at first, when he had been making fun of her. But when he had started on everyone else…Heinkel had fallen into a laughing mess on her beach towel, kicking and squealing. Schrodinger was apparently reveling in his newfound friend and loving the attention as he poked fun at a certain overweight officer sitting not far away.

Speaking of the Major, he and Integra were sitting alone with very little to talk about. Though they had a lot in common when it came to guns, there was virtually nothing else to speak of unless it was about annoying subordinates. Alucard and Schrodinger topped the lists. Both organization leaders, though enemies, agreed that they would do their best not to fight and spoil the good time. Of course, that didn't mean that the Major could earn Integra's ire and have her hate his guts.

Far off down the beach where there were no clusters of people, and an entire street of hotels was apparently undergoing construction which seemed to have been halted due to the lack of noise, there sat Alucard, Seras, and Hans. There werewolf was nearly fast asleep in his new swim trunks. Seras was glad that nobody was trying to kill someone else and Alucard was idly staring out at the water, somehow mesmerized by the constant push and pull of the tides.

Somewhere off in the distance, _Enrico_ was busy being finally _**RESPECTED**_ by some Catholics that he had begun conversing with. Lucky him.

And that left Pip and Dok, who were in Dok's room with the perverted Frenchman strapped into a buzzing machine that had bubbling fluids and tubes and pipes running across its surface. The mad scientist had promised Pip that after a small experiment, he would be able to attract the most beautiful women for miles around and have them wrapped around his little finger. Pip had wholeheartedly agreed and was immediately strapped into a machine for the procedure.

And here he sat, an IV stuck in his arm feeding him a swirling mixture of blue and yellow and a purplish liquid with something that looked cooking oil. Pip smoked a cigarette as he waited for the operation to begin. He had one small electrical pad over his heart and another just below his belly button. Occasionally, they would give him a small, but pleasant, jolt. Pip didn't mind this at all, and only the wait was getting annoying.

"Eh, docteur, when is then getting done? I have a beautiful mon cheri to have swooning over me," Pip barked impatiently. Dok shrugged.

"Vhen it gets done, it vill be done. Now shut up und vait!" snorted the doctor as he idly flipped through files from a file cabinet. Pip folded his arms over his chest and scratched his ribs. He felt a tingling sensation run up his spine. He furrowed his brow. That had never happened before. He shrugged off the feeling and scratched at the itch again. This time, it was much more violent. Pip keeled over and grit his teeth.

"What's this feeling right here?" he asked. Dok's eyes shot up from the file and he cracked a grin.

"Zat ist your heart pumping zat fliud through your veins. Any second no-" A loud banging at the door accompanied by vigorous sniffing. Dok looked a tad bit too giddy for his normal, insane demeanor. He walked over to Pip and removed the IV and pad from his body. He pushed the shirtless mercenary to the door and motioned for him to open it. Pip didn't see what was going on, for there had been no operation or experiment. He opened the door anyway, and was immediately caught by surprise by a pair of buxom brunettes.

The one standing up had on a tight black blouse and a pair of very short, very thin black shorts on her hips. She looked anxious for some reason and stared right into Pip's single eye. The second brunette, who had been sniffing at the bottom of the door like a blood hound, was on all fours and staring up at him with longing. Her back was arched in a way that pushed her chest against the taut fabric of her tank-top. The cigarette fell from Pip's mouth and the kneeling woman caught it for him.

"Found him Melissa," she said, taking a long drag from the cancer stick. The first one smiled gently and put two fingers beneath Pip's chin. She turned his head so that she was looking into his eyes again. She smiled.

"We have breasts you know, not just eyes," she sighed. Pip was dumbstruck. He usually got caught for looking at a woman's breasts, not the lack thereof of said attention. Before he could even speak, the two women had dragged him across the hallway and into his own room. The second woman sniffed the air.

"It even smells like him. Oh, this is going to be very enjoyable, sister," she chirped with a wide grin.

"Wait…so, you two sniffed me out and dragged me into my room for…sex?" Pip asked, entirely confused. And it was a split second later that Pip entire vision of two beautiful, _normal_ women was shattered entirely. Both of them suddenly sprouted wings akin to those of a bat, with long bones filling out their outlines and thin flaps of black skin to flesh it all out. They both looked at him innocently, heart-tipped tails swishing around behind them. The first one giggled slightly.

"We're succubi, and there's something…_purple_ about you that I can't put my finger on. In any case, you're about to get the life sucked out of you," she said, licking her lips. Pip shrugged as if this were a very normal occurrence. Both succubi looked at each other confusedly.

"Hey, not to be a drag here, but I live with the original Nosferatu and his hot apprentice. I think two succubi shouldn't wear me down two badly. Besides, I have a fetish for two certain _things with wings_ standing right in front of me," he boasted, taking gently and kissing the first one's hand like a gentleman. She shuddered.

And unannounced to Pip, as he prepared to do battle with two soul-stealing Californian succubi, Dok was studying and recording the encounter with a laptop in his lap and a notepad in his hands. He could do so much if he had succubus DNA, and their recorded and carefully-monitored habitual doings. Maybe he could make an army of them? Who knew?

* * *

"Oh, Luke, you're such a dirty boy. I just can't wait to eat you up in public one of these days," Yumie teased her lover, trailing two fingers up and down his chest seductively. Luke could say absolutely nothing, especially when Yumie was like this. They both knew it. She was as horny as a Catholic schoolgirl and it was very apparent. Father Anderson spanned his fingers with his nose stuck in a Holy Bible that must have been ten inches thick and worn a cover the size of a hard-back, overpriced, overrated, and over-glorified Twilight book.

"Enough'a thaet nae, yer a wee bit early fer those impure games," he said, adjusting his glasses. Yumie glared briefly before Father Anderson's gaze fell upon her. He pushed his glasses down and stared her in the eyes. It was enough to make her pale in fear. Not even in battle with Alucard had Anderson been truly angry. Of course this wasn't even near annoyed, but he was serious with her. She was _not_ going to do that if he was alive. And she understood that very well with a single look.

Anderson turned back to his book and suddenly noticed that something was missing. No, nothing was missing from the Holy Bible…something around his was missing. He looked up from his reading and saw that Jan had left. He paled a bit (though difficult with tanned skin like that) and marked his place in his favorite book of all time. He stood up and turned back to the two lovers looking anxiously up at him, waiting for him to leave.

"Do what yer thinkin' while I'm gone, and I'll chop the damned meat rod off!" he growled. Yumie hugged Luke's chest tightly.

"You wouldn't!" she cried. Anderson gave her another look and she sat back up, putting her hands to prayer. Anderson nodded and turned to follow the footprints that led away from his beach towel. He would find that crazy Jan Valentine eventually.

Anderson followed the footprints until he came upon a small cut into a large outcropping that overlooked the ocean about fifteen feet below. Below him, in the large gulley cleft from the rock, there was Jan Valentine with a young woman beneath him. He had apparently obtained a knife from somewhere and was holding it near her neck menacingly. He had a wide grin on his face, and she had his hand over what would have been a look of horror and terror. She mumbled something against his fingers.

"Whazzat?" Jan asked, leaning in. She mumbled again and the vampire laughed.

"Really now? Kinky, but I guess it'll work. You just sit tight and…"

"Unhand her!" Anderson roared, leaping down from above the vampire and his human prey. From the inside back cover of his bible, he pulled a Hungarian bayonet and prepared to ram it into Jan's throat and drag him back to where he had been sitting earlier via the handle sticking from his neck. But as soon as Anderson landed, Jan leapt away and the girl hugged Anderson's chest tightly. He put a hand on her head as she sobbed.

"Oh thank goodness!"

"Easy child, I've got him under con-" He was interrupted immediately by her hysterical ramblings.

"You brought a bigger knife! I was bored as anything until you showed up!" she wept. Anderson nearly dropped his Holy Bible.

"She's a masochist. I was happy to do my duty to save a poor whore's soul," Jack sneered.

"I love it when a man talks dirty," the young lady said. Anderson detached the woman from his body and stared at her in disbelief. She looked so…so innocent, so pure and uncorrupted. His mood immediately soured when he remembered another rlittle, innocent, pure little girl that had turned out to be _the_ original nosferatu. Anderson threw his arms up in defeat and tossed the bayonet at Jan's feet.

"Take the damned thing. Curses upon all of you that need to be cleansed! You've all been cursed by a damned demon!" the priest shouted as he stomped back toward his beach towel a ways off. _Father, Son, and Holy Ghost_, Anderson prayed mentally. _Protect me from this nightmare._

* * *

Heinkel and Schrodinger sat under an umbrella and the nun-ish Catholic laughed wholeheartedly with her legs kicking in the air and arms wrapped around her bare tummy. Schrodinger bit his lip as he watched her. He hadn't felt like this since the Kapitan had done dirty things to him as a woman. Heinkel may have been mistaken as a man when she was wearing a priest's heavy and unrevealing vestments, but now, with only a bikini and a nigh transparent cut-off t-shirt, Schrodinger could see her curves.

She had the definite curvature of a woman; round hips and curvy thighs. Her chest wasn't much to scream about, but damn did she have perky ones! Schrodinger could see her lacy black bra through her shirt. It was like she was teasing him for sport! His ears had been reaching for the heavens the entire day! Any more and his human parts would be doing the same! Heinkel took a deep breath and stifled an oddly girlish giggle.

"And what about the Major?" she questioned. Schrodinger shrugged.

"Him? Ze 'great big round one' probably should have died at ze zoo. He and his manatee got into a who can eat more fight and zey resolved it by seeing who could open their mouth vider! Ze Major should be a snake; he swallowed ze fat-ass thing whole!" he cried. Heinkel burst out into laughter.

"Swallowed it whole! Aha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!" She burst into tears.

"Ate my damn cupcakes from ze mall too," the cat-boy muttered. Heinkel kicked her feet in the air.

"Too much! I hehe! I can't haha stop! Oh God, hahaha! Hehaha! Oh God, you're killing me Schrodinger! Get over here and lemme give you a kiss for that one! Hahaha!" Heinkel reached out, still laughing, and grabbed Schrodinger's arms. She ripped him off his beach towel and pulled him into a tight bear hug, still laughing as hard as anything Schrodinger had ever heard. The cat-boy felt two squishy, warm things on his shoulders and smiled.

"Almost ate my foot vhile he vas at it," he murmured. Heinkel burst out into more laughter and rolled around with Schrodinger in her arms, crushing him to her.

"Your foot! Oh no, stop please! Hahaha! It's too much! Haha! If, if you hahaha! If you tell any more, I'll die! Oh God, this kid! Hahaha!"

And it was at that moment that he realized something very important: her bra had snapped. The warmth on his back suddenly increased and he grinned widely. This was his chance to actually try his luck at making friends with someone who wasn't teasing him constantly or trying to get him to do something. Heinkel seemed nice enough when she wasn't trying to blow his brains out.

"And don't get me started on zat butch, lesbian, psycho-bitch, vampire he-she," Schrodinger snapped. Heinkel couldn't stop laughing.

"No more! No more!" she cried through her laughter.

* * *

Near the day-halted construction, Seras sat on a big black beach towel and tried to relax. Something about today had been off somehow. She couldn't place her finger on it, but something was off. It was like she had some kind of bad feeling or something. She looked back at her master, who was hiding from the ungodly-annoying sun with an umbrella, reading the personal notes of H.P. Lovecraft. For some reason, he had gotten off the subject of the sea and into the strange book, which depicted where he had gotten his ideas for all of his books. Alucard occasionally looked out at the sea with a manic grin on his face, but did nothing more as his eyes swept across the pages faster and faster.

Seras looked down at Hans and smiled softly. She had always seen him with either a stoic, emotionless look on his face; or he had been wearing a different face altogether, along with a body to match it. At the moment, however, Hans looked like someone who was in the middle of a massage. A slight smile tugged at his lips. Seras petted his hair like he was still a dog. His smile widened slightly and a snore came out of his mouth. Seras fell back to her towel in a fit of giggles.

Alucard looked up from his book and furrowed his brow.

"The wolf has nasal problems?"

"No, silly Master. Snoring isn't a problem. But I certain hope that the _he_ part is definitely not problematic. I like him better as a guy," she said cheerfully, stroking the werewolf's hair again, gently. Hans stirred very slightly, but didn't wake. He craned his neck and seized pressure from her hand against his head. He let out a long, pleased sigh.

"And exactly why is that?" Alucard questioned with a leer, pushing down his glasses with an ethereal appendage that emerged from his shoulder. Seras hesitated with a red flush coming across her undead cheeks. She bit her bottom lip and looked down at the werewolf's sleeping face. There was no way in hell that she'd say this while he was awake.

"Do you _swear_ on _your_ soul that you won't tell anyone, including the people inside of you?"

"I promise, police girl, on my own soul," Alucard replied.

"Well…he's got an _awesome_ butt," Seras admitted with a cherry-red flush spreading from ear to ear. Alucard's mouth opened to laugh, and it was quickly filled with a ball of slushy sand and shells.

"Not a word, Master, not even a giggle," Seras growled, another projectile ready to throw. Alucard nodded and the sand fell through the bottom of his chin harmlessly. Seras heaved a great, relieved sigh and relaxed again, the flush on her cheeks never once fading. She glanced down at Hans and realized that her hand was still petting his head. She withdrew her hand and blinked in confusion. _Get a hold of yourself Seras!_ The draculina didn't even notice when Hans woke up until she heard him yawn and got an eyeful of long fangs receding back into his gums.

"Well, looks like ending that handjob early really woke him u-" Alucard started and was cut short as two large balls of sand and shells smacked him in the face and buried themselves inside of his miasmic body. Alucard pushed one of his nostrils shut and jettisoned sand from the other. He cracked his jaw and went back to his book with a smug grin.

"…?..."

"No, Hans, I didn't do…well, _that_ to you. I, er, was petting your head, if you don't mind that is." Much to Seras' surprise, Hans smiled at her and sat up. He stood up with another yawn and Seras sat that all but four of his fangs had run back into his jaws and turned into normal teeth. He stretched in the sunlight, and Seras tried not to look at the tattoo on his lower back, or any lower than that either.

Then suddenly, Hans' trunks dropped to the ground and his arms immediately fell to his sides. His feet were magically ripped from beneath him and he fell only to catch himself with his elbow slammed against the sand. Seras looked back at Alucard to see the stolen trunks held in the grasp of a single little wisp of blackness. Alucard was on his back laughing.

"It worked! I can't believe it really worked! Listen to that wolf howl!" he roared in an entirely amused tone. Seras caught a low rumble next to her and through that it was Hans' stomach. She quickly realized that it was him growling, his face in a predatory snarl. Hans picked himself up and walked over to Alucar,d bare-assed naked, and held his hand out, fangs at their full lengths now. So long were they that his mouth couldn't close properly, and his face was turning into a snout.

"Master!" Seras yelled.

"What? You want this back? Come and get it," he teased. Hans' hand didn't move, and he only glared. The standoff lasted for only a few moments before a sharp whistle interrupted them. Both of them reformed anything that wasn't passable as human and turned.

"Yoohoo! Foreign boy! Over here!" cooed a feminine voice. Both Alucard and Hans looked over. (They're both from Europe) Seras too was curious and looked over to find what a surfer would call a 'totally stacked babe' waving shyly at the two. Seras looked back at her master and friend, seeing that one of them was entirely naked and the other was about to be if he wasn't careful. His swim trunks weren't real; they were made of him.

Hans grabbed his swim trunks and put them on, his usual emotionless demeanor returning. Alucard started toward the woman and she held up her hand as if it were putting up an instant barrier to him. She pointed over Alucard's shoulder. Hans furrowed his brow and pointed at himself.

"…?"

"Yeah you. Come here foreign boy," she commanded. Hans' expression didn't change at all and Alucard sat down on his towel again, watching closely from under his umbrella. Hans walked over to the woman and she licked her lips seductively. She pulled her sunglasses down to reveal her eyes, and Hans continued to give her an emotionless stare. She smiled with false-sincerity, tracing the bottom of the werewolf's chin with her index finger. Seras stood, hesitating to move from the umbrella's protection.

"What is she…?" Seras whispered to herself. The woman pushed her chest against Hans'.

"You know, I'm _very_ into the tall, Arian, and sexy type. Maybe I could show you around, say, my apartment for example?" she asked. Hans pointed over to Seras and the woman followed his finger to the draculina. Both women smirked.

"He wouldn't," Seras said to nobody in particular.

"I'm sure since there's no ring on your finger that you'd be able to ditch her for me. I can see from here that I have bigger tits," she said, squishing her chest against Hans' with more force. Seras growled deep in her throat and left the safety of the umbrella. The sunlight didn't hurt her, really, but it made her sick to her stomach. She was suddenly glad that she had forgotten to eat this morning. She grabbed the woman's shoulder and pulled her away from the werewolf who now looked curious.

"Back. Off."

"Oh, you're not so much more than a pipsqueak, eh? He's your boyfriend, isn't he? Let him voice his answer," the woman said. Hans shook his head. Seras smirked again, and the woman flipped her long, burgundy hair over her shoulder. She looked even more confident that she had earlier. Seras' blood got steaming hot when she took Hans' hand and put it to her breast.

"You!" Seras protested, but it came out as more of a wail due to her nausea.

"Now when you can feel my heart beating so fast, doesn't that make yours yearn for me?" she asked, putting her hand to Hans' chest just over his heart. A flustered and confused look came over her and she arched an eyebrow.

"…" Hans shook his head, putting a hand behind Seras' head and stroking her hair softly. Seras felt his big, warm hand smoothing out her unruly blonde hair. The woman frowned.

"It's beating so fast now…how…" Her eyes fell upon Seras.

"I don't take kindly to anyone touching Hans," she purred triumphantly.

"Have you two even kissed yet?" the woman asked. Seras immediately flushed red with embarrassment. Hans' cheeks tinted pink and his hand dropped to his side. The woman eyed them both and snapped her finger.

"That's no-"

"I see how it is, you're a tease, aren't you? I'd say he's been waiting for about a week now judging by how much just touching your head did for his heart rate. That's so cruel to do that to him. Poor foreign boy, if I had only met you first," she cooed, stroking Hans' cheek softly.

"I, what? I'm not a _tease_ lady!" Seras protested. Was everyone's first glance at Seras set to 'assume she's a bimbo' mode?!

"But you have yet to even give him a kiss. The poor boy is sweating."

"You want a kiss? I'll give you a kiss," Seras snarled, spinning Hans to face her. She grabbed his blonde hair and pulled him down to her with all the force in her body. She smashed her lips against his with a strawberry flush all over her face. Hans' eyes went as wide as dinner plates and he pulled her backwards onto the sand. Seras broke their kiss after a long moment. She slipped up on his chest and almost fell until she caught herself. It was impossible for her to blush any redder than she already was when she noticed that she was smothering Hans in her crotch.

"…!"

"I'm sorr- (burp) Oh God."

"I gotta tell the pervert," Alucard murmured as he sank into the sand and slithered away. Seras reached out in vain to stop him.

"Wait! Master! (burb) Oh…I don't feel so good…" Seras was suddenly glad that her Master was gone, seeing as she vomited right into Hans' hair.

* * *

The sun shone down mockingly on the draculina as Hans carried her back to their room in the hotel. _Damn the fucking sun,_ Seras thought bitterly.


End file.
